Posts Tagged With: love

Oh, you old heart, you never die do you?

Somehow my restless mind brings me back to you in times of vulnerability, generally 3am weeknights, (or I guess mornings) when I have lost all self restraint. At least this time I am not directly contacting you. Last I heard you were no longer single, and interested in rekindling the old flame that we used to create together. I suppose I am no longer interested either. Although, if I move back (for work purposes) it would be interesting to run into you and see what sort of conversation comes out of the awkwardness.

Somehow I found my way on your old blog, you are an excellent writer, especially when you are heartbroken, so theres that. One positive thing to come out of all of this. we both made plenty of mistakes, it wasnt just you. we were both young, and stupid, and well, here we are, maybe still soul mates, but forever scared of each other because of our ast. we remember the good days more than the bad, which is great, but I left on the bus that last time because nothing had changed, i still felt an object of adornment, rather than a companion, these days, its quite the opposite. I suppose we all like feeling like a pretty new $100 dollar bill from time to time, and you maddame give that feeling freely. and whole heartedly.

My first love has a baby, and a husband, my first crush the same. My first true love has visited paris with another, and I feel more alone than ever. Scared of my nomad roots, and scared even to dumpster dive. how did this happen? how did I become so afriad. i dont even want to go swimming in a lake anymore because of the alligators. god damn florida. but meh, i just keep trecking along, getting older, i am trying not to feel sorry for myself, and I guess I dont, wish I knew more vocabulary to make my writing as beautiful as yours, but then i guess it wouldnt be mine anymore would it. I miss you sometimes, and zach, whoever he is, was right, with hims nomadic comments on your blog. annyway I just wanted to tell you that, even though i didnt say much, i think you know what i mean.

sincerely, worhala waged

Advertisements
Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Tags: , | 2 Comments

holding on like a sticky note in the humidity

I love you, I honestly love you, i dream about you in my sleep, thats how embedded in my brain you have become. I want you. I desire you, your mind, your body, your company, you are the most attractive person to me in all the universe, and yet as you and I know we are not alone. There are more out there. There are more that I love, that you love, and, perhaps im being selfish holding on to you, all of you, for different reasons. For the same reasons. For the parts that I love, and not the parts I dont. I create one of you out of many. Is this selfish? If i treat the pieces equally? If I love your pieces whole heartedly, and devote my energy into each piece at 110%, will it create an atomic bomb? Are you loving me in pieces as well? If you were how would I feel about it? I havent had a chance to stop and think about that one yet. I know what it’s felt like to be a piece of the puzzle, and it sucks.

What the hell am I doing? It feels ok. It doesnt really feel wrong. I feel like im holding you up with damp sticky notes, trying to keep you there, even just barely, in case I need to use you for a quick note. 

On second thought, this doesnt feel real. Being so far away form you, communicating only through electronic mediums, even in close proximity, it doesnt feel real anymore. How do I not confuse the pieces? How do they not overlap at times? How has my life gone on this long, with so many different pieces, and never a full puzzle? Shit. Ide give anything just to see the fucking picture, 

On any given day, I love one piece more than another, but all in all, i love you all the same. 

Maybe some day Ill mix a chemical, and bond you all together, and have my fucking picture, until that day, ill keep burning up phone cards, and sleeping on bus lines, just like I lived 8 blocks away. 

I love you. I hope you find what youre looking for, even if its not from me. And I hope I make you feel amazing while you are hanging around for me.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Modest Mouse made my summer

You, my first, my stolen, my beating, my lungs, my butterfly stomach, you took me, made me forced me to change, took my virginity (literally), and then we fed the deer at the beach (or tried to anyway) even though the signs told us not to. That was the best summer of my life.

We frolicked, we ran, we fireman carried each other on our backs, we made out, we scratched our names on the park bench while feeding the ducks, we super soaked each other, we took pictures, we made out again, then we ran back to your bedroom,

god i miss your bedroom, i miss you. Where has the time gone? Where have you gone? You stopped returning my phone calls, you stopped writing me letters, you dropped off the face of the earth, and im stuck here listening to Modest Mouse reminiscing…. and i hate it. You are always my first. Always the break in, the break up, the broken, i wish i could see you again, but im sure youde probably spit in my face, and ide deserve it. But god you could kiss. You were the best. Ive been back to your neck of the woods several times since that monumental summer, but could never seem to locate you, in a city of millions upon millions, the world is not small enough to find someone who doesnt want to be found.

I wrote this for you, but cant remember if i gave a copy to you or not, so here it is, in case you check in from time to time silently.

“i dont know how to start this or what to write, dont worry its nothing bad, i just thought if i started writing you something would develop so far its not working, im just filling up a page with random nonsense. its hard to tell you what i want to tell you. its hard to have to say goodnight. its hard not being there next to you smelling your morning breath, when you wake up next to me in the morning. who will make sure i brush my teeth? wash that hard to reach place on my back (picture inserted in notebook) its so hard not to be able to see you or hold your hand or watch you laugh or smell your burps, or carry you around on my back or chase you around on a bed or a store or kiss you or hug you or play with your hair or give you massages or lay with you and watch movies while making out, whenever i get the urge to do so (which is quite often i might add…)

its so hard to be apart from you, but it will have to be like this for a little while yet. I hope we will survive this distance and come out on top. even though the odds are against us. i hope it will only make us stronger. but i also know life takes many turns and just as fast as we met and fell in love things can fall apart.

so im taking this one day one step at a time, and im loving you more and more each day, and even though i get jealous sometimes its a good jealous it makes me stop and think and realize i dont own you, and you dont owe anything to me, you are still very much free to do as you wish and i have to respect that about you and accept the fact that we may not always be together.

im in no way wishing we would end our relationship, i love you very much, and do not wish to make that mistake again. all im saying is that i have to bite the bullet sometimes and mind your freedom, and understand that you love me, and youre not trying to hurt me, and that i shouldnt try to control you, and i need to let you have your space…..”

and just as it ended there, we were hanging by our last threads, only to break them shortly thereafter, and never speak again.

The strange thing is, the same band modest mouse, was relevant in my future, but on a down note, as the thing i feared you were doing to me, actually happened. Maybe i cursed myself. either way, i lost you, and everyone else, and i have nobody to blame but myself, and modest mouse.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I missed out on you

I missed out on never ending play on jones beach, feeding deer, and tackling each other in the sand.

I missed out on midnight train rides to and from NYC, on the Long Island Expressway.

Vaginaface, penguin butt, monkey face,

you were mine for a short while, and i missed out.

I couldnt keep things together, when you loved me, and now you dont even acknoladge my existance.

I lost you among the world, and in the numerous times i have tried my best to find you again, i have always failed.

I live among the walking dead.

Without you, i am singular.

You made that summer my very best.

They say you never forget your first, i guess they are right.

Since i left you, ive been many places, with many people, in many different frames of mind, and i always find myself back with you.

Except, im not.

Im here and you are someplace else.

I miss you.

I love you.

I missed out on you, and i lived to regret it.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Wish you were here…

As the sun sets…
on the beach of the gulf coast,
i cant help but think what it must be like to be anywhere else in the world but here.

Why havent we invented teleportation yet?
Why must I wade in this warm choppy surf without you beside me?

You love the beach as much as I do.
Youre always talking about it.

You tell me you cant live without a beach nearby.

I imagine chasing the seagulls
as you run after me smiling and soaking up the warm sun.

But you are not on this glorious beach with me,
you are 3000 miles away right now.

And i am sad.

Nothing follows.

But maybe a hopeful smile,
that we may be together again soon.

p.s. Made you tilt your head, like a confused puppydog

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.