Ideology and epiphanies

Times are not tough for dreamers….

Every now and again, one comes across a fellow dreamer. Whose spirit and genuine lust for all things small and overlooked make them a prime candidate for a recharge when one’s own dreaming batteries have been depleated.

I have found such a person in the proverbial haystack,
and I highly doubt they will be the last I come across.

None the less, I thank you, in my own little way. I hope our paths cross again soon, but if not I know you are out there somewhere dreaming, and enchanting, and that makes me happy to be alive in these strange days.

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I am a 9-5 savage animal

How am I any different than my ancestors,

hunting, stalking, killing, consuming my prey, resting, waking to survive another day or be left behind.

I inhabit a controlled climate i f I can afford it, or I work hard enough to maintain that climate.

I slave over my workload, for pennies upon the dollar, I pay my taxes to knights, and kings in far away lands, who claim to protect me from outside threats, none of which I have seen yet. Mostly due to them being in the same survival mode as I am.

Office spats, routine maintenance, honing of my skill sets, increase my level of success and move me up the totem pole,

and yet tomorrow is a brand new day. Who knows what the weather might drag in. If I don’t perform at peak level, I may not be able to feed today.

Time is of the essence, and fast food beats cooking when you are always running behind.

Eat on the run, in my car, on my desk, eat in my element. I eat only what I can catch / afford / have time to hunt.

My body runs on adrenaline for emergencies which outside of my realm seem benine and downright silly to anyone else. But walk a mile in my shoes. I bet you have similar emergencies in your tribe.

 

I am surviving, because what are my options? Stop working? Then I cant pay the rent, I cant put food on my table, and besides you have to own the land you live on these days, and dont even think about hunting / growing your own food in this day and age, you will face fines, crimes, and famine if you try out of season.

 

Nicotine and alcohol are my only outlets, and they are over taxed because the knights and kings know this.

Religion is outdated,

God exists only in black outs and hard drive crashes.

 

I sit here crouched over Indian style, in my hotel room scarfing down a bucket of fried chicken, I didnt cook, wouldn’t know how to if I tried, but I can crank out an excel spreadsheet in seconds, and type up 85 wpm.

But at the end of the day I still have to eat, shit, and sleep. And in order to do all three of those comfortably I must slave, hunt, and defeat my enemies.

 

To all of you out there just trying to survive……

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Long time gone….

A long time I have been gone. A long time from the city that broke my heart.

And now I mean to return… Of course I am terrified. Terrified I might run in to you again. Would I lunge for you for a long overdue embrace. Would I be received or receive a slap in the face? Or would I duck and run for cover? Na I owe you an apology in person. I’ve ran long enough. You were the love of my life and I gave you up. You didn’t give me up so easily. But eventually …..

well.

I am passing through and I should be so lucky as to be offered a chance to apologize and lay this heavy heart to rest

so that maybe someday I can finally say I love you to someone again

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Hello again!

I haven’t written on here in a long time, not because I haven’t had things on my mind, far from it, but rather, you know, people take this so seriously, especially people I know. It’s just a blog, just a place to organize my thoughts on life, love, and whatever else I find needing to be written down for future reference, its also nice to hear from people in similar situations, or having similar experiences, its a anonomous or almost anonomous support channel.

 

Some day soon I may start writing on here again, I hope so, I love it. until then, keep safe, and stay classy!

Andy

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Cool high tech gear for a low tech living….

Check out these really cool items to make your opossum living high tech green and sustainable.

First up, the Gravity Light:

gravity light

http://deciwatt.org/

This light is powered by none other than gravity. Pretty ingenious way to bring light to people with no electrical grid. Check it out!

Next up is the Ultraviolet Water purification water bottle by camelback. A bit pricey, but think of how fast it will pay for itself. Uses UV light to purify your drinking water, pretty neat. Solar powered too….

camelback uv bottle

http://shop.camelbak.com/all-clear/d/1208

Here’s a cool little stove you can use to power your usb devices as well. Minimal fuel intake maximum fuel output.

http://www.biolitestove.com/campstove/camp-overview/features/biolite

Of course backpack solar panels are really neat too….Recharge your rechargeable batteries etc etc etc.

http://www.goalzero.com/small-guide.htmlgoal-zero-nomad-7

If you have seen some really cool high tech low energy gear let me know and I will add it to this page…..

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Oh, you old heart, you never die do you?

Somehow my restless mind brings me back to you in times of vulnerability, generally 3am weeknights, (or I guess mornings) when I have lost all self restraint. At least this time I am not directly contacting you. Last I heard you were no longer single, and interested in rekindling the old flame that we used to create together. I suppose I am no longer interested either. Although, if I move back (for work purposes) it would be interesting to run into you and see what sort of conversation comes out of the awkwardness.

Somehow I found my way on your old blog, you are an excellent writer, especially when you are heartbroken, so theres that. One positive thing to come out of all of this. we both made plenty of mistakes, it wasnt just you. we were both young, and stupid, and well, here we are, maybe still soul mates, but forever scared of each other because of our ast. we remember the good days more than the bad, which is great, but I left on the bus that last time because nothing had changed, i still felt an object of adornment, rather than a companion, these days, its quite the opposite. I suppose we all like feeling like a pretty new $100 dollar bill from time to time, and you maddame give that feeling freely. and whole heartedly.

My first love has a baby, and a husband, my first crush the same. My first true love has visited paris with another, and I feel more alone than ever. Scared of my nomad roots, and scared even to dumpster dive. how did this happen? how did I become so afriad. i dont even want to go swimming in a lake anymore because of the alligators. god damn florida. but meh, i just keep trecking along, getting older, i am trying not to feel sorry for myself, and I guess I dont, wish I knew more vocabulary to make my writing as beautiful as yours, but then i guess it wouldnt be mine anymore would it. I miss you sometimes, and zach, whoever he is, was right, with hims nomadic comments on your blog. annyway I just wanted to tell you that, even though i didnt say much, i think you know what i mean.

sincerely, worhala waged

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Does anyone really notice?

Does anyone really notice all the effort you just spent trying to be presentably professional? Did your future employee just brush you off the potential employee list because you could only afford a dress shirt from Wal-mart instead of Macy’s? Does anyone see how poor you are, and yet how optimistic your outlook appears to be? Does karma really exist? Will all your humble efforts to be something you are not for people who couldnt care less be stripped away in one lonely car ride back to your one bedroom bills scattered about dusty blue collar HOME!?!……… REALLY!?!

After all is said and done, where do those who cast the first stones go to sleep? I bet it’s not too far from the tone of your own dwellings…..

***An internal reflection of the pan out of a 4 hour encounter with a stranger in an alien environment yesterday.

Image

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Ode to my wonderful mid-content middle-aged wolfdog,

Life with my mid-content middle-aged recently adopted wolfdog….

Everything is scary to him, fast movements, trucks, buses, children, knocks on the door, dropped plates, sneezes…. etc. But it’s getting better. He is not toppling over himself nearly breaking a hip to get away from these things like he first did. (as much anyway)

Hardwood floors (for the above reason) are not recommended. It makes traction darn near impossible for a frightened all muscle fur footed scared y cat. (Not to fear though, we just invested in several carpets placed strategically in all of his favorite resting spots, which has helped tremendously.

Nighttime was the worst in the beginning, due to his poor eyesight, and sheer terror of anything after dark. (Nothing a few night lights couldn’t fix.)

So far, he has only escaped the house twice, off leash. Both times I thought I was going to have a heart attack!!! (No time to think, do not chase after him yelling, calmly follow him quickly, and stay with him until you can corner him someplace, then carry his heavy butt all the way back home, barefoot, since you didn’t have shoes on when he escaped, and of course no time to grab a cell phone, or leash.)((the other thing that helped, was to get him familiar with the neighborhood. Walk him on the same path all the time, so when he get’s out that’s where he goes first. To check his spots.))

He of course is a picky eater. only the finest ingredients, or he refuses to eat, and when he is living with a mini dachshund (a.k.a. hot dog) the last thing you want a half wolf to be is hungry. This of course is expensive, but well worth the money saved in sickly dog vet bills. (so far)

All the freshly planted flowers we put in the backyard are his to pee on. Apparently.

No he is not a watch dog, by any means. Unless there is a fire, (sam) in which case he runs away whining!!! Best fire alarm ever!

All my shoes, socks, school books, homework, food, etc are his to play with whenever he feels it would effect me the most.

He MUST be taken to the dog park at least 3 times a week or the above is much more frequent.

The car ride is a nerve-wracking often dangerous experience. but it is getting better. No Zorro, you can not drive. (A confined space, a good leash, a window down, and LOTS of car rides to fun places are your friends)

Ohhhh the hair…. nothing I own is safe from it. Invest in a GOOD vacuum, and friends who are dog / cat people. No seriously. Your house will never be fully clean again.

He has only locked himself in the bathroom, ate a whole bar of soap, and clogged the running sink flooding half the house once. (Dear god, once is enough).

The hardest part about having a dog with a fair amount of wolf in him is the Alpha pack mentality. If you want a dog who sits on your lap, and gives you endless kisses when you get home, a wolfdog is not the dog for you. I have to remind myself when he avoids direct eye contact with me let alone comes to me when I call him or shys away from letting me pet him that it is just not a normal thing for an alpha (me) to do with a subordinate (him). He is always looking to me as the leader, he moves out of my way when I walk over to him, he nervously awaits the chaince to get away when I pet him, and he just doesn’t act like your normal house dog who lives to serve you. he has an agenda of his own, and I have to respect that.

At the end of the day, we all love him dearly, he keeps our lives interesting, and he is really coming around. It sure is fun to see him play with the dachshund, enjoy the dog park, sit for his food (sometimes), and start to have a recall with me. It gets better monthly (not daily), but I am ok with that. He really seems to enjoy it here, and we don’t mind spoiling him. After all, who knows what he had to live through before he got to us.

To our wonderful mid-content middle-aged wolfdog,
Zorro.

Love your new family.

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Strange Times we are living in

Upon yet another restless night tossing and turning in bed wondering what I could possibly give to the world as so many of our ancestors have thought, I determined what is there actually left to give to an audience with dwindling attention spans and even shorter memories?

Science is crafting time machines as we speak (for real)

Medicine is curing cancer (even though it is expensive, and thereby unobtainable to those who need it most, but that too will change soon)

Capitalisim sells out people and products so fast nobody can keep up, so one persons “as seen on t.v.” miracle product is replaced nearly before it reaches stores

ideas are easily misquoted, recited to impress rather than to benefit, and because of this, are generally as worthless as the books they are written on sitting in the stores which are going broke due to people not wanting (or able) to read them anymore.

I could create a perfect food dish, but it would be eaten only by a few, and if mass produced, would be degraded beyond recognition.

I could make a fantastic movie, even a smash hit short video, but it would get lost in the abyss of the endless stock already in circulation.

i could write an inspirational song, which would only become so overplayed it would lose its message in a sea of other white noise.

I could teach, but where can you teach what people really need to learn without it being a sermon, and who really takes sermons to heart after they exit the church?

All this depressing stuff is unfortunate, but isn’t that what we humans do? We express our deepest concerns and joys and let the rest of our life float on by us.

Since I last wrote in this blog I really haven’t done anything worth writing about. I decided to get my life “on track” and go back to school. And boy have I learned jack squat. But I sure do(nt) have some wild stories to tell about the places I hav(nt) been, and the wonderful people I hav(nt) met.

How do we win? How do we find our nitch on this earth where we feel we can make a difference without wasting the majority of our life looking for it?

Some day soon I will be re-vamping this blog, so people can look at it if they wish, maybe get inspired, maybe not, but at least it will be a bit better organized.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 1 Comment

As i walked over the dying field of yellow grass…

(feb 14th 2006)

….under a gray cloud-filled sky, i was under attack. I could feel the air choking my neck hair as it tried with all its might to take with it my worn out body back with it to the burial grounds where all the living things that fall from the grace of a stronger race. …………………………………………………………………………………………………….This world we live in is composed of a few emotions. Love being the weakest, and aggression being the winner in all contest. Anger, hate, fear, oppression, judgment, immorality, all spur from the primal instincts of survival of the fittest. Love, an emotion which hinders the strong, and cripples the moderate, prevents natural selection. How unfortunate an event such as war. An event which, from an elevated species such as man, is no better, or worse then a pair of silver-backs slaughtering one another for the chance to mate, and carry on their DNA……………………………………………………………………………………………………… Why is it man has such authority, and means to carry out these atrocities? Man is just like any creature, from the plants, and the trees which devour minerals in the soil, and deplete precious water from the calm summer breeze, to the insects that devour the plants and seeds. From the gazelle who graze upon the lands and multiply immensely, to the lions who maim and eat those who are not fit for living. The slow and the weak, the honorable, the compassionate, the caring, all get left behind in the struggle for the omnipresent race. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………… People are no different then every other living thing. We need water to stay alive like the plants. We need to feed off the plants and animals to stay in good shape. We need space to roam, and play, to gain the skills needed to compete with our fellow inmates. We need to lie, steal, attack, and abandon the meek. We need racism to ward off adversaries. We need wars to cut back overabundant populations. We need genocides, biological and chemical weaponry to take our place one step ahead on the staircase to immortality. We need cars and roads to drive them on, running water in our homes and shredded trees to wipe our selves clean. We need Clorox and sulfate to prevent invasions of bacteria and darkness and disease. We need constant stimulation, we even have t.v. to keep our children entertained on the way to the convenient grocery store where we no longer need to hunt our meat. We need cameras watching our every move, microphones listening in on every word we speak. We need to control our every muscle spasm, and when we try to revolt by donating our food, our money, our lives to help the weak, we are giving in to the top elite… …………………………………………………………………………………………………………… I don’t want a single fiber of my being in that top 10 percent. I do not understand this world. I do not comprehend this survival jargon, as all living things must die one day anyway. Why should i waste my time on earth walking on the backs of those in need? I don’t want anything to do with this nonsense that revolves around survival, and i aim to change my ways.

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Why I joined the Army and Why I Want Out

(old post from Mar 29th 2006)

Many of you have been curious as to why I joined the army, and why I am so against it now. Well, ill tell you.

Why i joined the army huh? Well, you might laugh, but i wanted to be a film student. I was poor, had mediocre grades, no scholarship money, was lazy, hated my hometown, wanted to meet people from all over the world to generate ideas for movies, and i wanted a job where i could make easy money to buy a nice digital camera, and an apple computer.

I took the asvab, scored 2 pts below where i needed to be (supposedly) to get the photography job i wanted, but my recruiter assured me that after basic training, i could change my job (blatant lie). It sounded fantastic to an ignorant, excitable 19yr old guy.

I had no political views at the time, and was told i was going to be put in a job that would never get deployed. (soon to find out, all jobs are deployable, let alone the fact that jobs tend to change, based on demand).

Everything sucks you in in basic, there is a smidgen of brainwashing there. If you have a strong mind, and have known camaraderie outside the army, you will come out fine. If you were secluded all your life, the army is your new life. With it you can do anything. You are generally accepted by everyone, and you are willing to die for your battle buddies.

I loved it, but i had that kind of friendship on the outside, and knew when things got silly, and understood this too shall pass.

It did. I gained my political stance the moment i stepped off the plane coming home from leave from korea. That country is so poor, but i never really noticed how poor of a country it was until i came back and saw so much gluttony, so much capitalism, so much me me me. Gimme Gimme Gimme.

As poor of a country korea is, almost everyone is extremely nice, and overwhelmingly giving. They will give you the clothes off your back in a heartbeat. Try finding that emotion here. You cant even park your car for free.

When i went back to korea, i started to notice how poor those people really were. How americans, not knowing any better, treated them like savages. We refuse to learn their language, their culture, their hospitality. They must accept our currency, they must speak english, they must learn to deal with our obscenity. (and obesity)

I realized why people around the world hate America so much. We have everything. We have 24hr buffets where one or two people come in, and eat, then the throw all the food away. We have SUV’s to take us 6 blocks to the super-walmart to buy us cheep clothes, fresh groceries. We have all forms of art, which we do not appreciate. We are greedy, we step on our brothers backs to get just one more thing. We go to those countries, and force those people to comply with our rules, our customs, and if they dont we get angry. (and retaliate)

I love america, parts of it, but i also see their side. We have the biggest, badest, military on the planet, and we use it to pillage countries, populations we feel are not doing the world any good. There is such an intricate web of good and evil in this world, i do what i can to stay out of the spiders belly.

I hope that answers your question.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 2 Comments

Communisim scares peacocks

(may, 03, 2006, one of my old rants)

Communisim scares peacocks,
But embraces penguins

Communisim scares the peacocks of the world who must have the fanciest cars,
most beautiful apartments,
biggest pockets full of money
to attract the attention of the females who feel the same
Communisim embraces the penguins of the world who find that pulling equal shares,
working side by side,
sharing all the tasks at hand,
to attract a life partner who feels the same.

Which bird are you?

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Forced Sabbatical

Forced Sabbatical

The choices I have made in my life recently have led me once again to sleeping in the back seat of my car. I chose to hold out against minimum wage slave labor in order to free up my schedule in case my true passion (movie making) reared its ugly head and asked me to work on a movie related job.

What I failed to realize is being its summer time in florida at present, there is little if any film work available. Who wants to work in this sweltering heat? I could no longer afford rent, and I was living in a garage for crying out loud, I couldn’t afford to live in a garage which had no a/c. Well now living in my car I no longer have to worry about drug dealing loud mouthed psychopath roommates eating all my food, and using all my toilet paper afterwords.

All I have to worry about now is having leg cramps rolling out of the back seat in the morning, being hassled by cops, and insects, and not having immediate access to a shower. A small price to pay I say for not having to work my ass off to pay rent.

All the more reason why I would prefer to live in my car than work some dead end slave job to what? pay rent in a place i dont even want to come home to? no sir, i would much rather have the freedom of my car, which ironically i was basically living in before anyway.

Im happy as ever, and you know what? not only is october my favorite month, due to halloween, where even the weirdest of creeps are welcome in society, there is free candy, not to mention candy corn my favorite, its my birthday month, and the film industry will start seeing a boom, and because i am living in my car, i am free to  go and work wherever I please.

more to follow.

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Midnight in a perfect world

DJ Shaddow haunts this bewitching hour of mine, the time, 4am, the date, who knows, it seems like its always 4am in my world lately. If its not 4am, my new appointed bedtime, then its 11 am my new awakening,

I am living paycheck to paycheck which isnt really a paycheck since its the gi bill, all i have to do is apply for classes for the smester and i get the money. I no longer have to work, i therefore have no purpouse, or destination, i no longer have a girlfriend to revolve my days around, my only friend lives on the other side of the country. this solitude is getting to me. i feel as if my youth is slipping away, and at 26 years of age, who wouldnt? I am expected to be grown up, my body shows signs of irreversable wear and tear, and yet my mind still thinks as if i am in 9th grade. my tactics for courtship sure havent changed much since then thats for sure, no wonder i dont have a girlfriend.

the heat is getting to me as well, i have to spend large amounts of my time out on the town in order not to die of heat in my room which is a garage, more like a sweat box during the day, i have to get out of florida. i cant breathe here. i need to move somelace where its acceptable to be a kid at 26. but where is that?

nothing follows…..

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 3 Comments

These are the days…..

Of our lives. You only live once, nless you believe otherwise, which is entirely possible, but thats besides the point.

ive been sleeping a lot lately, and im not sure its doing me any good, but it IS keeping me a bit more stable I suppose. Ive been frequenting Rollins College a lot more these days, and I really enjoy it. I need to get out of my garage more often. This feature we are working on at school is really getting on my nerves. I am no longer interested in it. I realised early on in this program that I do NOT want to work on feature films. The stress level involved is immense. Everyone is tense, and there is too much money on the line for things ot be relaxed. I much prefer short films with small intimate crews. I will love being a high school tv production teacher.

(I realise this is way more like a personal blog entry than an ephinay, but honestly, who cares, its my blog, and i can write out whatever i need to in it….)

Listening to Rollins Radio, in the underground cafeteria, drinking honest tea of the jasmine green variety, shoes off, still wet from walking in the rain form my car to the building, letting out gas, needing to take a crap, still giddy from the short but oh so wonderful conversation i just had with a pretty cashier at whole foods who has been trying to get me to talk to her and look her in the eye for a few weeks now, and finally got my attention, le sigh, and just plain happy to be alive right now at this moment.

My mom has started hugging me when I leave her company for the first time since my father died, and it really makes me feel closer to her. Im glad I made the choice to stay in florida and go to film school here. It really makes her feel good knowing im just 45 mins down the road, doing something positive something I love with my life. but after next semester, im going to hit the open road again, I want to go to the mid west, and check out new mexico, see if the film scene is going good there, maybe stop by california to visit a dream girl for a spell, Not sure what else will go down in the next few months hopefuilly I can make (finish) some much better videos to post on my youtube channel.

Im making it a point these days to learn french, ive been studying in my car, and maybe soon i will be able to post a video response or even better have a real conversation with the french girl on youtube i love so much. I always have to write to her in english and im sure she doesnt or cant understand me.

speaking of my videos, i want to start making video swith meaning, or at least some social impact, i love politics, but political videos just dont have the social impact they might have had in the 60s, so i decided i want to make videos about love, and happyness, and hopefully they will brighten peoples day, and refresh their standpoints on romance, and invigorate shy people everywhere to go out and get what they want, or something along those lines, can you tell im still working on the pitches?

hmmm what else what else….

cant think of anything although im sure i have more to say.. but im boring myself so ill quit at this point.

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Ah paris!

My life, every A-typical, which I guess makes the chaos of it all in a way constant, as in constantly different,

I have been having some experiences in the past few months that have been changing my perspectives on lots of things, women, sex, education, work ethic, getting older, where im going, etc etc etc…

I suppose I should update this blog more often but I am finding making things personal, no longer just affects me. it seems a have a small following of people reading abOUT MY LIFE, PERHAPS EVEN EXPERIENCING, AND SELF REFLECTING (sorry bloody caps button) upon their own lives through mine.

I havent much to say in this entry, except, thank you. Thank you to anyone who reads this garbage. Cause thats all it honestly is. me dumping thoughts i cant figure out how to tell to someone, anyone, face to face, but you my beloved reader, you sit here and listen. And for that I am ever greatful. I love you. You are my best friend, and I dont know what I would do without you in my life, experiencing all that I am, side by side with me. Life truely is better shared isnt it.

with that, i bid you adieu for now.

Muah!

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Cant sleep. Bendryl not working…..

Cant sleep.

Bendryl not working…..

been having another atypical week.

women are again ruling my life, and making me unproductive. I hate it. but im sort of stuck for a while. and at the same time, i love hardly having to sleep alone but a day or two a week. when i get sleep. these days, its a rare comodity.

just got back from planned parenthood, had a “wonderful” time.

so far so good.

understanding the female species more and more, and long term is boring to me at this point.

out of shape, big time, have dangerously high blood pressure. could have a stroke any minute. sometimes i feel like it. never knew why.

still enjoying life. every fucking second of it. even the sad parts. make for an interesting day.

have been having life experiences, changing my mind on some things, proving i was right on others.

still as much of a hermit as ever.

trying to change that via the internet, but how much do 1’s and 0’s give back?

trying to find amelie, but no where near headed to france at this point.

school is my life, strange feeling,

26 and still living with roomates, cant stand it, trying to change it, hate nosey people, and thin walls,

allergy season. sick for three months straight.

love my mom, somehow i feel closer to her than ive been in a long time, hugged her for the first time in a long time yesterday. think shes doing good. getting old, getting tired of fighting, liek the rest of us. hate it, hate the gray, hate the sore muscles, hate having to take naps, hate having no energy. getting old sucks.

cant sleep. bendryl not……………………………………….

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Do prostitutes still believe in “the one”?

I used to believe my body was my temple, i was protecting it against the evils of the world, i never ( and still have not, save a few slip ups) poured, inhailed, or ingested, intoxicating or inebriating substances into my temple. I didnt lose my virginity until I was 21. I had never really had a real girlfriend until then (i guess a real girlfriend constitutes some sort of sexual relationship). The girl who “stole” my virginity was uber aggressive, and we met via the internet, where subsequently i would later meet all the girls ive let into my life. (when you dont drink, smoke, do drugs, or enjoy the highly sexual nature of clubs what business do you have at them?) Therefore internet dating became the norm.

I always knew i was insecure. Im not entirely sure where it manifested from. Maybe my homelife, My family was never very physically affectionate, my father died when i was 8, and my new step dads were really very standoffish as are most step parents, since they didnt actually give birth to you, they are skeptical, and weary of giving the wrong impression, or something like that.

I soon found out, the internet provided a safe haven for the shy, the meek, the straight edge of age, and above all the insecure. There is no real fear of rejection via the internet, there are so many fish in the digital sea that if someone doesnt return your emails, there are a billion more that might. You can be “available for chat” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and there is never a face to face social let down. In other words, you will never have to fear being humiliated in front of your friends, or the general public ever again. Its perfect! Why wouldnt anyone not want to try internet dating? Course friends and family are still very judgemental of meeting people online. The news still tries to portray it in the negative light it received in the days of aol chatrooms where perverts, pedophiles, rapists, and gasp, murderers. Which i suppose they are still there lurking. Peoples deepest darkest desires bubble up via the impersonal 1’s and 0’s of the internet. You dont have to hold back because there is no fear of rejection and maybe, just maybe someone will say yes. Even then, you dont have to follow through if you dont want to. its not always meeting up in person that really matters or is even the desired end resolution.

Thats the stage I am at now. I “meet” people online and write them some of the strangest things, things i dont believe myself. things i could never say in person. just to see what “could” happen.What I realized was that playing this courting game was doing nothing but attempting to boost my underinflated ego. I was becoming a narcissist, people were becoming les and less human, and more and more like the number count on someones facebook friends list. The individual means nothing. The number count of how many women i could get to contact me back became the goal. With no intention of ever meeting most of them in person. Because i was sidestepping the self esteem boosting, i was merely “alleviating the symptoms” of anxiety, and low self esteem. Persuing the fairer sex via the internet has become my new drug of choice. Strange, I never once wanted to try drugs, of any kind, and here i sit day after day, laying in bed, searching craigslist casual encounters section begging women to contact me. and when they do…. i refuse to meet them because i am ashamed of what i have become.

One day I stopped to reflect upon these actions. This online persona was taking up too much of my time. I wasnt getting anything done, I was no longer in the shape that the women i was contacting were looking for. I had been intimate with so many women in real life i had met via the internet i had felt disgusting. Dirty. Like used goods. Like no respectable woman would ever want to be with me again. My body has fallen into dismay, who knows what diseases i have, i cant bare going to the clinic to find out, i just self inspect. Who knows if i have illegitimate children someplace. Who knows anything anymore. In my efforts to boost my self esteem, and that of other women i found i just kept making the same mistakes. I let my insecurities get in the way of opening my heart up, and i always blame the girl for things she has yet to prove me right about. I ruin other peoples insecurities like a junkie ruins his friends and families lives.

I used to believe in the beginning, and I still do to some effect, that by being that romantic, that gentleman, that knight in shining armor women are looking for, that perfect boyfriend, i can change the world one broken woman at a time. the problem is…. eventually i burn out, i can only act the part for so long until the women do something, say something, or give up freely some piece of their history i cant stomach, and i start getting anxieties, and i lose myself in pessimistic thought, My dr jeckle turns into mr hyde. and well…. any hope for changing her self esteem level goes the way of the buffalo.

I want out of this cycle. I want to get my life back. I want to do things for me again. I want to get off the fucking internet, and meet women in public again. I want to build up my courage, my self esteem, my stamina. I want to stop producing mind garbage. but how do i free myself of the internet in an age where EVERYONE is online and thats generally the only way to get a hold of them? How do i venture back in time to a place where the revolution took place in fields, and parks, and streams? How do I unplug both myself, and my future soul mate?

In the same way a hooker has to drop her form of income after her body is tired exhausted worn out beaten and disgusting, how do i find love again? I am calling from the sexual gutter. Is anyone listening? Would anyone take my extended hand or would they all just walk the other way?

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 2 Comments

new year, same old bullshit

Sometimes I feel like the appocolypse already happened.

Sometimes I feel like the real living breathing, thinking human population has already been taken up to heaven in the second comming, and those of us left here wandering the streets, and shopping malls are mere shells scurrying about dim lit post modern ruins.

Recently, in the past few months, I have had numerous out of body experiences. All of which occured when something tramadic, or emotional was occuring in front of me. Sometimes things other people were going through, sometimes things I was dishing out myself. Im not sure how else to discribe it, but as an out of body experience. I suppose I have been meditating a lot in the last few months, becoming more and more of a hermit. I have been self reflecting so much and observing the lifeforms around me and not interacting with them I have become somewhat impartial to the direction the wind of mankind is pushing both myself and those around me.

I dont know what else to say except I wonder how many other people out there who rely nowadays on the internet for intimacy, and “real life” for physical survival. Where are we going from here?

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Strange world we live in

God bless adbusters for showing me there are other people on this planet that feel the same way I do about the issues concerning our mental well being in this day and age.

The best fucking magazine on the planet as far as I am concerned.

This months issue deals with how the net is shaping our world. Our dependance on it, our use of it, our net culture so to speak.

strange I was going to write a blog earlier in the month on that very same topic, and here i am reading it in my favorite canadian based poli-socio-economic periodicle.

i was curious how people have created duel personalities being able to hide behind the fourth wall so to speak, having lost all fear of social rejection under the anonomity of the internet. As with every balence in the universe something has to give way for this shift to occur. In this case, the case of the net and how it affects the human psyche is that in exchange for losing the fear of rejection, something drugs, and drinking in the past could only help ease the pain, we now find ourselves so easily distracted by the next big relationship fling on the internet we have stopped taking the time to build real long lasting relationships in person. we live though the internet. and we just sort of walk about our day in the real world. the internet is breaking down social bariers but creating emotional ones we couldnt even fathom before. according to the article, the best example of this can be found in metro japan, where youth are no longer interacting with one another in person after generations and generations of repression to curb such impulses, they now rely so heavily on the use of the net to feed their urges they have lost the ability to interact in real life. I fear i am slowly lsoing that ability myself. it makes me want to move someplace far away form technology, but at this stage in my life i have become so heavily dependant on it myself, that im not sure i could funtion without it either.

i mean i am one of those people seeking a soulmate via viral solutions to my problem but all i am finding is more women going through the same motions i am, using the net to satisfy my urges on the spot, never letting anything build up to the point of something real, love invloves hate, and dispair, and longing, and heartbreak, and anger, and all these things are so intertwined in such that it becomes impossible to have one without the other, and yet somehow the internets main goal is to break every possible link apart. like one giant scientist, inspecting, scoping, tearing, killing, and disecting so that we may better understand the parts, when in reality all we are doing is losing sight of the whole picture.

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Winter heat

Like northerners this time of year, who keep themselves warm by the fire, us floridians keep ourselves neutral through air conditioning and massive fans. Of course the air in my house broke, and i tend to fall asleep driving unless i have my hand out the window, so ive become climatized to the florida heat, and although this has always been my favorite month, not just because my birthday, not just because i have to renew my tags as a generous gift from the department of transportation, not even because dressing up as scary clowns, and silly disney charicters seems like a lot of fun, even the christians get into the festivities with pumpkin pathces, and hay rides, no i love october because its one of the only times you can get candy corn in mass quantities.

the air starts to chill, not very often but on occasion, hurricane season is coming to an end, and the heat although not terribly unbareable in the summer, but certainly swealtering, has started hidding its tail between its legs,

although this has been a really awesome summer for me, i mean camp was and always will be the best summers of m life, this one was pretty darn awesome,

and im sure this fall will be much of the same.

but ill surely miss the heat, theres something comforting in it. girls wear less clothes, everyone sweats, and everyone smells like a million bucks been dropped into a pig pen,

i love seeing other people enjoy the heat as i do, arms out the window, dont care if they are sweaty and stinky, i think everyone looks more seductive with some perspiration, looks like thehy have been going at it, just some sort of sex appeal in the heat, its a strange thing, more to come,

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what a strange week its been

contacted by half of my ex girlfriends already.

all of which conversations began in a sort of “want you back” esque mood, ending with me angry, and them remembering why they broke it off with me in the first place.

and me why i am no longer with let alone talking to them as well.

funny the women i love and would love to talk to never write me.

i imagine when they come around to it, it just wont matter anymore.

for the rest of them, i gotta learn to stop being a marter, and “loving” people because they “love me” and i feel obligated to “love” them back.

maybe someday my relationship with a girl wont be like that.

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the rapture

last night i had a dream.

last night i drempt i was smack in the middle of the rapture. it happened like a george a romero film. the world started dueling god vs evil, the good urvived without harm, the few of us about could walk through fire, but witnessed first hand the death and destruction of the evil. the neutral (yes there were neutral) were the ones being killed off. in some of the most horrific gore scenes ve ever encountered. hollywood aint got nothing onthe rapture.

i drempt i was in grade school again, my teacher was good, pure, she had ironically dreamed about the rapture the night prior, and was in the middle of warning us about it, sort of like i am now, and during her speach the class got up and started running in a circle, uncontrolably, then the deamons started taking over the students. they started maiming but not killing just mutilating one another. somehow i escaped with a few others.

we made it to the subway, the guards were hassling us at the subway enterence, one of the people with us was a demon, we didnt know it, things were in such disaray, nobody knew what to do, except that some of us had the power of god over the deamons and they left us unscathed.

i remember the government knew about all this, they knew it was going to happen, and some text someplace told them they needed to make a huge cross, and take it up twards the heavens, they rebeled, and made two crosses, the plan of course then didnt work, and the crosses were destroyed, and like what was happeneing down below the hellicopters flying the crosses upwards, some of the crew members started tearing apart other crew members and some of the good crew members started taking another hellicopter back someplace.

you could see the earth, it was exploding, the earth had become hell.

there was no down below, it was hell in every sense of the word, fire, explosions, screaming, knashing of teeth, etc.

the good could walk through the flames and were chanting songs in every language, almost unaffected by everything about them. while the deamons were running rampent. this was the most vivid dream ive had in a very long time.

does it mean anything? who knows. but i figured i would at least write it down.

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I light in the Attic

I feel good. Damn good.

For some reason, I feel the best ive felt in a long while.

maybe due in part to the Decembrists humming in my ears,

reminding me of the innocence I used to chase around in the form of a blind early 20something russian foreign exchange young woman, in my personal oasis, where I gradually found myself, the real me, beyond the fancy ties, and name tag shirts, the me that could be as happy stitching a peace sign on a green sweatshirt as crafting mini secret admirer messages on tiny ninja men and lobbing them at unsuspecting girls who were studying in the library i frequented more than any other building ive ever been to.

I just swore a calloused heart to my long time soul mate, and i feel ok about it, maybe this is how nina felt, i hope so, im sure she is doing just fine these days. post andy sipe.

at any rate, tom robbins, richie havens, and film school is taking up my time, and i couldnt have wished a better group of friendly interests.

funny, sometimes its ok to go without a warm bodied neighbor, sometimes a good book, a beautiful background noise, and a sense of direction is all you really need to be happy.

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I find it found

The mind plays tricks on us,

not the kind of tricks we see in magic eye 3d posters, not the kind where the wheels on a car mysteriously rol backwards, not even the kind where we finish complete strangers sentences,

no the mind plays much harsher tricks on us.

tricks involving ideas.

Ideas come like a meteor shower, like hail in the night, they strick, usually all at once, and when there is no paper or pen around to copy them down to save them for the moment you can act upon them accordingly. They pound the soul with enthusiasum, with anger, frustration, excitement, resentment, greed, devotion, lust, and only the souls which react upon impulse of these troublesome ideas seem to make anything of themselves. Painters, writers, musicians, these are the people we love, we admire, because we have lost that ability to translate ideas on the spot to something universally beautiful as they can do.

Or have we?

even now while writing this, i have lost the idea which inspired a blog entry.

what was I going to write about?

how being published yet censored in what I thought was the finest periodicle ever created both uplifted, and shamed my spirits, I was exstatic to find out I had my name in an international political magazine, and cracked the cat-o-nine tails on my back after I read what they posted.

Adbusters. A magazine known for its free speech agenda, censured my editorial. My two page long essay on how people who follow the magazines left wing extreamist political preachings would more than likely not have a permanent address, as they would be living under the caplitalist radar, and therefore have to pick their periodicls up from local sources.

In reality, those local sources have been all to familiarly muscled out by the only store to still carry this anti-capitalist magazine, barnes and noble.

This is the cliff notes of the essay I wrote, and what was “left out” of my snipit. My name appears under a three sentence childish fluff script which does nothing but say how much I love the magazine. I sound like a 12 yr old girl at a backstreet boys concert in my first published article in my favorite international political magazine.

jesus.

what a fruitful day for white out.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 1 Comment

Downtime kills

I have been super busy, so much so I havent even had time to breath,

let alone think.

but here i am, terms over,

projects are finished, and

i am looking you up on fucking google.

asking for closure, which you gave me. a long time ago.

i love you. I wasnt ever lying.

oh sure, i had times where i thought you were out to get me, and i was anoyed by you, and i couldnt fucking stand to be around you. but at the end of the day, i still fucking loved you.

i miss you. i always missed you. we could spend an eternity together, and the moment you left my side, i would feel deserted again.

i guess people call that being needy. and i suppose it is. and i can understand how it could eb draining. i needed to get away from you. i needed to breath, i needed to get my life back on track, and here it is, im making movies, and busy as hell on film projects, in film school, doing what i always wanted to do, but it feels like something is missing.

that something is you,

i miss having you bitch at me, i miss having you dump your days problems in my lap, i miss being able to dump my frustrations in yours, and then we both make out, and curl up together falling asleep feeling better that someone understands our pain. that someone wants to bethere right next to us through it all, and someone just plain loves us, no matter how ugly, gross, or smelly we get.

life goes on.

and i fear it will go on without you, for a very long time.

but thats the choice that was decided upon, and thats the choice that was officially made.

i might as well forget, like i do everything else, except this time my mind is as sharp on the subject matter as if it were happening this evening.

not much i can do, but go get distracted again.

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Life is rushing full speed…

I  guess I have always been a night owl, or maybe just an afternoon to say 11:30pm owl, but im generally lying awake in bed, lights out till much later than that.

Recently, it’s because I have so many ideas. The artist embeded within me, from some anchient time, reincarnated, keep s me awake, my body, and my functioning brain are to grogy to do anything about these ideas, save for the few moments I get up, turn the light on my computer screen, and type something.

type. TYPE TYPE TYPE. I feel like im always tying. Always dreaming. rarely ever doing. I just had to chose a profession in film didnt i? being an eternal hermit, i had to chose an artform which takes most of the time, several people to create magnificent pieces.

Dont get me wrong, i try my damndest to get people involved. but nobody ever bites. everyone is lazy. or self centered. or in it for the money and the glory. its rare i ever find someone in art for the expression it brings anymore. People have myspace, and facebook for expression. smily icons for expression. who needs film?

at any rate, for the first tim ein my life since say oh, 12th grade when lowenstein took the tv club to another high school to show us off, have i felt like my path is back on track again.

in film school. around dozens of macintosh computers, final cut, photoshop, and after effects installed and at my fingertips, freelance jobs comming in like rain in an open window, more ideas than ink in the pen to write them down with,my mind will not let me sleep.

I miss all my past girlfriends. I love each of them dearly, and wish some of them would respond to my emails. Well, one in perticular. but she wont. ah well. love only gets in the way of dreams.

unless you dream about love.

at any rate,

here i sit, my mind in far off places, everywhere but where it should be, asleep.

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The weekends

I hate the weekends, my mind is full of empty nostalga, my body full of caffinne, and my bed empty with things im sure to regret when i wake up from this dream. Already this weekend, i have tried to re-establish contact with most of my past ex’s if not re-establish, I checked up on them through the internet which i blame mostly for my insomnia. I have watched mary poppins, played video games, eaten several more pounds, gained weight I will not burn off, spent money I dont have to spend, accomplished little, wasted more than my share, and its only  friday night! I hate living in solitude, but I equally hate living with other people, i get anxiety attacks, i become bipolar, i wish i were living in my car on the road again, but im getting to old for that shit. I dont want to be homeless. I dont know what I want any more, but what i do know is i want something to keep my mind occupied. I want this fucking weekend to be over. I want the month to be over. I want to stop wasting time, waiting for the next big event to happen in  my life. I want to be moved in to my apartment already> I want to stop fucking around with pre-reqs. I want to have one good friend, to hang out with on a regular basis, ide prefer a girl, but the ones i would get along with, are pre-occupied with all the other guys that are in love with them. And guy friends I am not attracted to, and am in no way interested in in that way. Fuck, life is really random. I hate fucking waiting, i feel like an old lady in a nursing home. I saw myself in a mirror for the first time in a while today, i look like shit, no wonder you saidwhat you said about me nina, you were right. Its so fucking hot in florida, i miss the summer on the lake in minnesota, I miss camp. Of course i was to old for camp also. But i miss hanging out up there. i miss adam, as much as i hated him. he was a good friend. i fucking cant stand being alone. i cant stand living in orange city, i cant stand myself at times like this. i dont regret trying to contact you melissa, but i have to admit, the penny didnt land on heads the first time when i was using it to make my decision. Why is gas so expensive? why is the weekend just short enough to prevent a road trip, and just long enopugh to make me want to take one? why is the internet so prevelent, why is it so easy to find all of you women that have changed my life , and yet so fucking hard to make myself realize talking to you through a google search isnt really talking to you at all is it? im weak on the weekends, they should have named them weakends, dont you think? I even tried to visit my tv teacher at high school, walke dright up like i was still in school there, felt like it, but im not, and the kids dont see me as a student, i look like an old man, with grey hairs and all, yet i still dress in the same clothes i wore to high school. is this a mid life crisis? i know where i want to be in the future, i have known since i met lowenstein, in 10th grade, i wanted to be a tv production teacher in high school. i have made poor choices, and have half assed my way around and now im on the right track, it seems all i am doing is fucking waiting. waiting out the calm for the storm, waiting out my weekends, in solitude, an hour away from my new friends, whom i dont even really know yet. because outside of school i cant hang out with them, cause i live so fucking far away. and even then. everyone drinks, and parties, such activities i dont want to partake in. i like being different, but sometimes i want nothing more than to fit in. where do i draw the line? i need sleep, and you (internet) wont let me. you wake me when my eyes get heavy, and i find something new and exciting on you and wake right up again. fuck.

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i love people who love music

because music is the sound of the soul.

All music holds some value, but good, finely crafted music, is like a well versed vocabulary. It has a much better ability to describe the soul than bland pop hits.

All art is beautiful, All art is a window into the soul, but music, now there is something of the magnificent. music moves us. and its this ability which helps us find ourselves in times of joy, times of stress, times of lost loves, times of found love, etc.

music is the soul speaking to us directly.

and there is no finer art form on earth.

thanks last fm, for introducing me to so many wonderful musicians. not to mention the people that love them as well. its like being connnected by a higher means. to know someone else loves this song as much as you do. no matter how obscure.

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In the middle of the night

Its times like these, long weekends, nothing to do, the silence of the night, a lonely solitery house which acts as a cinfinement for the mind, a prision full of thought. When i remember you. All of you, the good, the bad, but mostly what life is like without you. Im sick of being alone. Its midnight thrity, and i need to be in school. i need to be doing something else with my mind than writing about how empty everything feels. Out of shape, mentally, and physically, i could easily slip back into a depression. How do I avoid that? how do i stay out of arms reach from the black lagoon where the mind is only free to wander about aimelessly, toiling with ideas that never see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to drive. ide like to travel again. Ide like to start fresh, to pack up and go. I love the road. been reading about route 66, ide like to go visit, but even the glory of route 66 has succome to depression, and solitude. it no longer stretches accross this beautiful country like it once did, its been broken, much like the hearts of those sitting alone in the dark, dreaming about nothing. nothing at all. what is the fun in life without dreams? what is the purpouse? no.

no, no fuck no, im not going to slide into that trench, im not going to fade wither away and die off like i have so many times. fuck no. i hate that state of unbeing. I fucking hate it. And i refuse to go back there. Please god help me avoid the blackness that befalls upon us in our darkest hour.

i need good music, good friends, structure, vision, and a purpouse to keep ahead. and i will get there. again. wake me up from my slumber, i am ready to go out andconquer the world again.

but for tonight, let me grieve the loss of a best friend, to another failed attempt at a relationship. sleep, sleep is what i need, but you wont let me rest. i need to repent, and wake a new cleansed again. please god let me fall asleep soon, i used to love this hour of the night, i thought it productive, now im gettin golder i understand why people sleep through it. It is literally the haunting hour when old spirits old deeds, old reconings come to claim your mind for the dead. Dead to those currently asleep anyway. but for those of us awake, we may as well be dead. at least wede be better off.

god help me sleep tonight, help my week get started again. help me realze my worth, my value on this earth. make me feel alive again. like the pheonix, cast my soul into the flames, only to be born again, from the fire.

i have had so many of these sleepless nights, thanks to my inhearant bad decisions, i have paid the price, please give me back the life i once had.

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read

im going to start reading again,

preferrably off the internet,

ide like to do some things away from my computer again for once. maybe act in a play or take up a pottery class. im going to start my old anti military columbia sc phase all over, tomorrow. thanks rest stop goddess.

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Dear Adbusters…

In a time of instant communication, and equally instant gratification, we have lost. We have lost more than just feeling, more than just emotion, intelligence, & intuition. We have been bought, sold, and enslaved into a society in which facebook updates, twitters, and text messages have taken place of phone calls, and most importantly human face to face interaction. In a time when tv sets have replaced car bingo, which got kids actively involved in the beautiful scenery beyond the confining windows of the backseat. When energy drinks, pushed into market faster than the fading FDA can regulate the contents, are replacing the bodies vital intake of H2O. In a time when everybody has, or is developing some form of cancer. When the power of one of the most powerful mediums, film, has wasted its position of storytelling and mass ideological persuasion, on shock and awe graphics, which subsequently get brushed off the shoulders of an ever increasingly calloused and cynical audience. When thesaurus.com has more advertisements than synonyms. When the wee hours of the late night “morning” spent “wasted” on wikipedia through hyper-linking, have been replaced with hours spent on youtube watching people get drunk and fall down stairs. When musical, and theatrical talent have been washed out by electronic special effects. When the future of our society living in schools, community colleges, even universities are losing funds to support an overextended military. When your magazine is only easily found living on the shelves of global corporate book stores which are eating up local community owned ones, we need you. We need your voice. Your tangible words. Your inspiration. Your sense of belonging. Your readers, your writers, and your interactive audience. You give those of us who feel helpless, and lost in the undertow of this devolution, a sense of community. You provide us with cover-to-cover ideology and epiphanies, but in such a way we feel involved, and part of something in which we can relate, as well as partake in. We only ask one major thing. Please push out more of your magazine than the current bi-monthly publication.

On a side note, I personally would like to see the following topics discussed between your readers / writers…..

The psychology of txt messaging – how it has produced emotionless relationships through dumbing down descriptive language, the period of time it takes to think and respond appropriately, and the loss of emotional interaction which is heard in the voice through Paralanguage, and witnessed nonverbally in the reactions of the body and face. . (I recently asked my girlfriend to perform a little experiment with me. Instead of txting me periodically throughout the day, I wanted to revert back to the art of paralanguage, through telephone calls. (our schedule, and current economic situations prevent us form face to face communication on a daily basis otherwise that would have been the experiment, but that is an entirely different topic of interest all together.) Just in the past week, we have become closer to one another than we have in the entire year we have known each other.

How graphic imagery, and instant communication has calloused our population into a dormant state of passive acceptance of inhumanity, violence, and abuse. On all levels.

Im sure ill think of more later.

Till then, thank you for being one of my many inspirations to keep on living outside the system, through dumpster diving, turning my radio off, buy nothing (almost every)day, avoiding blockbuster movies, and having conversations with my toll booth operators, mailmen, janitors, and other isolated blue collar workers of the world, which by the way I recommend, they always have the most interesting things to converse about.

Andy Sipe

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No regrets…..except

I love you. Thats why I had to let you go. Those familiar words mechanically chime in for the n-teenth time, as true as the last time i spit them out.

“Its not your fault, its mine.” as i hang up the phone, of course Cosmo would deject assuming this means it really is her fault, but in this case it means…. I could no longer take the anxieties bestowed upon me. The worrying I would be dumped either in the near future or the distant for someone who held some common interest with you I did not. Some common ground, some sport, some knowledge, some passion, some opinion, anything that connected you with them over me. i felt inadequate, and this self belittlement drove me to hate you. to hate myself for not being that person, with their pitiful little privilege i just couldnt fathom, i just couldnt grasp, i just couldnt believe, i just couldnt partake in. and it all makes me want to fucking vomit even now thinking about it.

I tried so fucking hard to give you everything i was told women want, need, desire, and still, i found i didnt give enough, i found you enjoying the company of another even for a milisecond and it made me feel like all that time, energy and devotion was meaningless. this is the rational that takes place in the mind of a lunitic. its not rational at all. i devote myself to you right off the bat, and i expect you to do the same, and when i find out you have other interests, other friends, other people you share your daily secrets with i feel second rate, i feel used, like a fucking whore, and it drives me to loathe you. which once i snap out of it, after i forget what i was upset about, thanks to a blessed short term memory issue (i think brought about by being dropped on my head on numerous occasions when i was little) im ok again, and i love you whole heartedly like i did the first day i met you. Except my irish temper, (explosive,  and short fused) and german vendetta (thanks dad) creep in after every installment of self doubt, and self mutilation, brought about by these often times rational confrontations between my heart and my brain which distorts situations im uncomfortable with to be something socially unacceptable, and therefore unacceptable by my standards.

I dont go out, i dont drink, i dont party, i dont smoke, i dont do drugs, i dont go having sex with people im not in a serious relationship with, if i have sex with someone its because im planing on having a long  term relationship with them. and if it happens right off the bat, like with you, its because they are pushy. I do my best to keep my pants on. (untill im comfortably well into the relationship with the person, or they have broken the ice and took them off for me at some point, i figure after that, ive silently been granted the ok from the party.

i am quirky, painfully shy, and typically socially awkward, i find it nearly impossible to look another woman in the face until ive gotten to know her very well, and feel she has opened up to me enough to where i wouldnt feel like a creep by doing so. (this has always been a nagging constant on my mind with women, i always fear they think im a creep of some sorts, for no reason, i dont spy on them or some weird shit like that, i just am so fucking afraid of rejection, i avoid conversing all together.) ((this is why i love amelie so much, she is just like me in these character traits.))

when i meet someone new, if they initiate contact, i great weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and i will go out of my way to thank them for it, not directly, but indirectly, as in i will make them feel like they are the most special person i have ever met. Im good at this too. sometimes it gets me into trouble, because i take it to the extreme, in so much that when flags arrise later on, they think im lying when i tell them i dont feel as they do anymore.

flags…..

flags go up when….. any of the following occur.

I catch them in the act, or hear them casually talk about ;

drug use, being drunk or even just drinking in general, having straight opposite sex friends, being bi-sexual, or obsessing over a subject, activity or person i have little or no experience with, and no desire to learn. these things make me feel (in order)

(drug use) scared i might get busted if they get caught for being an accomplice or whatever the term is and afraid it might affect any children we may have in the future i mean shit i never partook, so if the kid comes out with down syndrome it wasnt my bad choices that caused it, why would i want to risk passing on my bad choices to my children, why should they have to suffer because i felt the urge to get fucked up? thats whats really fucked up. i want to give my children the best possible chance of coming out healthy and in mint condition…..(drinking) some of the same reasons as above, and then some, i am going to do my best to always be in full control of my actions, i am not interested in allowing a forign substance to manipulate me in any way, or impair me in any way, i make enough mistakes as it is. and alcohol of all things, it fucking tastes like shit 90% of the time, and it makes people obnoxious, stupid, and “open up” in situations their own anxieties would have previously impaired them to, well fuck if you wouldnt have partaked in some activity or conversation if you were sober, why would you fucking want to do it fucked up? i never understood that philosophy. i fucking hate more than anything when people who are drinking do their best to coax me into drinking with them, i assume because they realize they are doing nothing good, wasting money, and looking like asses, and feel like shit about it when im standing there sober and being a buzzkill by not joining them. (having straight opposite sex friends) ha! i love this, its a much heated debate, well, my personal opinion is this, an attraction will occur the more you hang out with them, the more you share with them, the more you open up to them, the more you interact with them. and im not interested in being left to the wayside of other more interesting opposite sex straight friends. so if you have a bunch of them, chances are, you just got flagged. (bi-sexual) if you claim to be bisexual, first off, im going to call your bluff, and say you have more psychological issues at hand than figuring out which sexual organ you prefer to interact with. secondly, im going to feel even more anxiety, because not only do i have to defend my significant other from people of my sex, but now i have to defend them from people of the opposite sex as well, so now, im not fighting 50% of the population, im fighting 100% of the population, fuck that shit, thats too much stress and im not going to deal with it. No im not interested in a threesome, and no im not interested in men, i want the person i share myself with to give me the same respect i give them, and only share themselves with me as well. (obsessing over a subject, activity or person i have little or no experience with, and no desire to learn) having seperate interests is expected, its healthy, this is the least of my worries, this is usually the tip of the ice berg. this comes after one or more other flags listed above comes to light. i combine one or more of the other flags with this one and blow it out of proportion, this is where i spin out of control. and this is generally where i justify breaking up.(oh and did i mention cheating, cause thats an almost immediate grounds for breakup, its almost impossible to come back from that in fact i think it is probably impossible to come back 100% from that, not saying a relationship isnt possible after, just that trust is never fully regained, and therefore the relationship is destined to never be what it w=once was or acheieve maximum potential.

All in all, after everything is said and fought over, i have no regrets. I have loved you with all of my heart, and gave our relationship my best shot time and time again, and even after one or more flags were raised, i tried again and again. I used all different methods, i tried to erase things, i tried to change habits, to work around them, to offer you suggestions, to talk it out, counceling (officially once, it was expensive, so i resorted to online counceling and from friends and family) but the flags just hid for a while and sprung up again. So here we are. both of us in love with the other, but unfortunately not compatible, (even if you seem to think so) if im not happy, how can we ever be happy together?

some day i will find my amelie, and life will be better, not perfect but better. she wont raise a flag until long after we have been together long enough to overcome it, and i will treat her as i have treated you from the beginning, like the best thing that has ever happened to me. and you were. dont ever think anything different. but things change, people change situations change and things come to light we just can not avoid. i have no regrets, except that im not sleeping next to you tonight, hopefully tomorrow i will feel better about this, but tonight it fucking sucks.

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(not) a lot on my mind

I havent written in a while, perhapps due to there not being much interesting happening in my life to write about. daily life has become mundane, and not very productive. when at work, i have become a slave to the grind like most minimum wage workers, and more or less a zombie. when at home, i am usually too tired to do anything extra curicular.

No new loves in my life, no new passions, in fact the only thing new at all is a close up picture of audrey hepburn i got for about 66 cents from work. she stares at me when i grab something out of the fridge. and i dont know if i like it. she’s gonna make me go on a diet. but she sure is good looking.

however in the past two days several fragments of thought have crossed the dusty plains of my mind. since they are not complete thoughts i figured i needed to get them out someplace, and what better place than an online blog?

first off, getting older sucks. thanks army for ruining my knees. they are starting to bother me more often, and not having any sort of insurance, my bones, and my teeth are starting to need attention, but i cant afford to give them propper care. same goes with my car. i guess this is the real world. for people without degrees. paycheck to paycheck, and no credit. its not the happiest of life paths, but here i am at 25 working part time and dumpster diving to eat. without diving i dont know what i would do.

i had a dream last night about two people i dont know. two guys, one was retarded. they were best friends, the problem was, the retarded guy never grew up in his mind past say 12, and the other guy had to deal with life. the retarded guy somehow managed to always mess things up and get in the way of the other guys life, causing his wife to divorce him, him to lose his home to fire, etc. but the retarded guy just didnt know any better, and was always very sorry, i woke up crying. it was a really halmark esque dream, and i felt bad for the normal guy, and the retarded guy, it was like whats eating gilbert grape. but a bit different.

i fucking hat ethe fact that most people i meet have to rely on some sort of substance in order to cope with social situations. they feel without the social use of drugs or drinks they are not welcome in social situations or something. its really disapointing. when i find a new friend, i learn they are highly influenced by these mind altering substances, mostly due to peer pressure, and it sadens me. and repells me from them. its offensive to me that people feel they can not interact with me fully aware of everything. they need superficial confidence through slight intoxication, or some sort of high, to partake. I dont, never have, never had a desire, never will. So i dont see why they feel compelled to.

i have been thinking a lot about my exes lately.

i know some of them might read this, so i better list names this time around so there is no confusion.

melissa y, its been a LONG time since we have even talked, and im sure you will never speak to me again, i like to hope its because you have found the love of your life, and just are no longer interested in anyone else. i should just record my self appologising and play it back for everyone i have ever met once daily until they die. had i known and experienced what i have since then, at the time we were dating, things would have turned out much different. but i didnt, and they turned ou tthis way. i still love you. and think about you often. Its hard to forget your first. and i hope i never do.

melissa l, we had some good times, and you taught me apparently contrary to popular modern belief guys naked bodies are just as attractive as gals, thanks for doing your best to make me feel attractive. Im as hetero as they come, so i still dont see it, but none the less, i always feared i swayed you twards your political stance, and that always bothered me, because i didnt want to create an opinion in my sig other, i had hoped it would be there. I seem to have toned down a bit since we last spoke, funny my horoscope said that would happen, im curious where you are at these days politically, maybe someday we can speak as nothing more than friends.

renee, the inevitably tradgic love of my life. sometimes i think crossed my path early, before either of us knew we were soulmates. before either of us knew how to keep a solid monogomus relationship. instantly in love, inseperable even by several state lines, it was a fucking rollercoaster. hard not to enjoy and be afraid of at the same time. i love you to death renee, you will always be the love of my life, but at the same time i dont regret leaving. I can no longer talk to you. period. Even if i want to, even if i long to see your beautiful face again, you are not the same renee i fell in love with. Im in love with the renee in your green book. so i guess in theory, im in love with a fictional charicter. one i sort of created. life is so random isnt it?

Brittany h, its hard not to call you gnails. I heard you have a boyfriend now. good. do me a favor, and abstain from any sort of sexual relation with him as long as possible, you have so much more to offer, i know because you are young you think that is the way to a mans heart, but thats quite the opposite. just a tip. anyway, i miss you, i hope you dont miss me,

nina, you are by far the most attractive woman i have ever even been friends with let alone in a relationship with. you are im sure going to be the best girlfriend i have ever or will ever have in the future. if it wernt for that messy little thing that was the reason for our breakup known asfailure to communicate, maybe we would still be together. but i was kindof sleezy as you put it, and maybe you eventually realized i was right, you were better off without me. ive been debating whether or not to give you your key back, but i figured you made it with me in mind, and since its really just a physical figure of speech, i think ill keep it. besides, you told me not to contact you. funny, most my relationshits end up in that fashion.

im looking forward to getting into a real school in june, thanks mostlyto a guy i met on a recent student film set. i have high aspirations, as usual, i just hope not everyone at the school is on some sort of drug to “cope” it seems i picked the wrong industry for straight edge co-workers.

I still have trouble sleeping at night, but its becomming more infrequent. i hope to pick up surfing soon, when i save up enough money for a surfboard, and new tires, and rent, and this and that and blah blah blah…. everything cost money. at least im starting to either enjoy being here, or just coming to the realization i can no longer aford to travel like i did two years ago.

i feel secluded, i alienate myself from most people, i just get anoyed with them. the only people i meet that dont do drugs or drink are devoute christians, but their drug of choice is religion, and the more i read about religion the more i realize it was created by man to satisfy a yearning for something higher than everyday life. to justify pain and suffering and death. so its hard to feel compelled to be a religious freak, its just another drug. someday ill find a friend that doesnt nor has ever partaked, and we can be friends. until then i guess ill continue being a hermit.

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Asleep, Awake, and Upset about it

here it is 2am again, and ive accomplished nothing of substance.

Downloading music illegally, bands which i try to sleep by but find myself becommin gmore and more involved in,>Obscure music, poets with beats, from the other side of the universe, (or wall map) who rap spit, scream, or cry lyrics that dont even make sense. they keep me awake, they reach out to me like the hands of lost lovers in flashy dream sequences,

video blogs of friends in far away places who dont know how fond i am o fthem except the few words my sluggish brain can muster to type in a response box that fills up daily with others seeking acceptance from these isolated windows  into their minds and hearts we lonsome nightcrwalers long for laptops in beds with us like a loyal dogs, awaiting our petting of the keyboards,

I blame my insomnia on youtube, and lastfm, and the plethora of other sites that keep my mind awake, while my body tries to sleep. I love it i hate it, i dont know how i function when the power fails me. Strange how I have become a part of the internet. Just tonight someone called me a loser over this medium, and at the same time i called someone else a token black guy. Strange how people stand up while sitting down. Strange how people connect farther and farther away while avoiding eye contact in person. Strange how it becomes this medium which the earth revoles around. Strange to think any future protests have to come through this medium. Strange how being inside all the time is ruining my immune system.

My mind is awake, while my body sleeps. and my mind isnt even doing that great of a job any more.

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dance hall turned into feeding pen

Saw streetlight manifesto tonight, been waiting years to see them in concert. It was an all ages, doors open at 6pm show on a sat night at a local night club. The club outsold the venue by probably 750 people and there was absolutely no room to dance to this dance band. Lots of pushing, trampling, and digitizing of it all. (i saw iphones taking pictures, sending directions, video cameras recording for youtube, everything you could want.

The best part, in this digital age, the sound quality was aweful, the entire show, of course the mic check took roughly 20 mins, and it still sounded like shit.

The crowd was mixed in age, but mostly the people my age, mid 20’s and up stayed to the back by the bar, to view, fuck that shit if i ever become that guy, what the hell is the point in going to a show? might as well watch it on youtube.

the kids in the pit tried to revive the skank, and the moshing crowd surfing was common, but the rules of the game had changed. first, since there was no room, anytime a few egar old school kids tried to start a skank pit, for an obviously slow song skank worthy, the new school kids with their spray on pants, and $500 fashions jumped in thinking it was mosh time. the dance has changed. the etiquite has changed, the set has been reduced to roughly 45 mins for the headlining band, 4 bands were pushed at us between 6pm and 10 pm, and hour a band to include setup tear down, and soundchecks, this gave us 20 mins for the first 2 bands, 30 mins for the 3rd band which sucked ass, and 45 mins for the last band, and lots of closed curtain time.

the place was packed, too packed, and thankfully the air conditioning was turned on the last 2 songs of the headlining band. the encore was air conditioned. the venue couldnt keep the overcrowed show cooled, and its a wonder more people didint die of heat stroke.

we were shuffled in one 2 door enterence which was also the only exit, like a heard of cattle, we each paid roughly 15-20$ per ticket depending if we got them at the venue or online, (with extra fees for convenience) and i realized, this is the future of concerts.

we are producing shows for money. Shows are no longer about the bands. bandseven though they are the main attraction, they are shoved aside. Turns out, there was a show starting at 10pm, a different show the same venue, so we were quickly shuffled out the exit after the show was cut short, so they could clean up for another onslought of adoring paychecks.

this isnt how it always was.

and the worst part is, fairly few people in the crowd noticed any of this. they drove on.

I saw one kid get up on stage to sing with the band, a common occurance encouraged in the mid 80s, but he was quickly pushed off stage by security, and the band didnt do anything, didnt even appologise, actually called him out for the guards.

sooo many things i could go on and on about i saw at this show, but its just going to bring me down.

it just sucks that bands i love, and grew up on, the scene that i developed from, is pathetically ending, and the new generation hasnt developed nor improved upon it in any fashion. it became a buisness, and i suppose we did it to ourselves.

we ignore until its to late.

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ode to the letter X

There sure arnt many words in the english language that start with the letter x, but there sure are a lot of emotions tied up in it.

When we find ourselves in a situation reguarding an x quite a bit of interesting ideas emerge from within. We feel the huge loss in the form of an empty bed mold where said x used to comfort us at night, we find we tend to remember only the good after the bad is hacked up using the letter x, we want nothing more than to have one more night with said x, and sometimes we do, but things get weird dont they? because the letter x has a way of interrupting the normal flow of the language of love. after all, its sure tough to pronounce the word love with an x in the middle of it. I thought i was calloused to the letter x, i thought if i were the honorary letter x messanger, i could avoid being the recipient of the effects of the letter, but this is untrue, in fact the guilt of having to be such a messanger is compareable to plowing over an innocent child with your vehicle, even in good intentions people get destroyed, and on the giving side of the fence this is one time ide rather be the recipient. But this just wasnt so with you. I gave this dreadful letter, and i now sit in somber silence, curtains shut, lights out, darkness inside and out, and i feel these things above mentioned, and i want nothing more than to call you, and beg your forgiveness, and for you to come back into my shallow life, and lift me back to earth form this hell i brought forth upon both of us. but i know this is not black and white, and i love you, and i cant plow over your inner child again, it kills both of us a little more each time. so what have i learned?

well… lets see….

reneezy: i learned i have much more in common with you than i origionally thought, and in fact the same imorality you posess i left you for, i too have found is a trademark of my soul, and the irony is i now understand why you do these things which i dispise so very much, i fucking love you to death, and will never find another soul so intune with my own, but we both are not loyal enough (and its not nessicarily our fault) to hold a steady relationship. so here we are, x marks our spot, my heart breaks for you, tough love, and there isnt much i can say i havent already written about you, to you, for you, you are the love of my life, and i will be lucky to find another of half your worth to me.

melibeli: ohhh how ironic as well, i should quote you years later of how men and women who share intimacy with one another, never ever release those endorphins for one another to the point where a stickly plutonic relationship can exist between the two. the human heart rips and tears, and scars up, but will never forget. This unfortunate event keeps us form conversing, and this is aweful, because we share many of the same interests, be it due to your imersion in my culture durring our relationship, or you just having roughly the same path laid out in front of you. You may be small, but you are strong, and have resisted my spell on several occasions, where i could not resist yours. Thank you for your strength, and i wish you the love you sought in me elsewhere soon, if you havent found it already.

penguin the pumpkin: you may never speak to me again, and thats fair, as i said and did some horrible things to you, you were my first, and i thought i was going to marry you, oh but fate sure led us down a different path, i etched a place for you in my soul, like you for me on that lonely green park bench so long ago. I have tried to contact you since then, but you wont have it, and its probably for the better. Boy have i seen some fucked up shit since then, and if i were as experienced as i am now, when i was with you, maybe things would be different, but that word maybe, it seems to follow the letter x doesnt it? and they never quite get together do they? i love you mysterious m, but ill never get to appologise enough for what i did. i learned form you that people can do some fucked up shit in their life, but we have to accept that as the past, and take things one day at a time, and look twards the future, because dwelling on the past is a fucking nightmare isnt it?

katie: getting married now eh? yet you are finally contacting me, complimenting me? sounds like you are going through the widthdrals brought upon by the letter x. You were my first love, my first kiss, my first heartbreak, and the reason i couldnt date again until i was 21, thats a record, 15-21, how many years is that? damn 6 of the best years of my life, wasted chasing you around, and now you want to chat, with a band on your finger? wow, the letter x sure is powerful.

niner: god you are gorgeous, i mean, fuckinng drop dead gorgeous, like impossible not to touch beautiful, this is why i fled. I just simply couldnt resist you, and even now, i cant look at any pictures. we became friends through intimacy, strange way isnt it? then, i needed breathing room, needed friend conversations, but you cant always have those type of conversations with the one you sleep with. well, long story you know already short, things just got weird, and i couldnt talk to you, but i couldnt keep my hands off you either, this is why i had to run over your inner child, i hate myself for it, and want you now, in my bed, helping me type this, but how can i ask that of you? you deserve better, like you hate to hear me say, and i have to suffer living with knowing someone else in this world will have your beauty to themselves, and i can no longer partake in it. I love you niner, you have felt it too, but it was a love that grew on me, wasnt there in the beginging, and has become not lust, but love like a companion, more than a life partner. again, i can never appologise enough. but i learned sometimes opening up to strangers is the only way to feel alive these days thanks to you and your beautiful dimples. you really are fucking gorgeous niner, i mean absolutely fucking gorgeous, never ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

there were flings inbetween, and all along the way, and some were important, but these are the holes in my heart thanks to the letter x, that can never be replaced, and i go to sleep a bit emptier thanks to them, if i can ever fall asleep these days.

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curse words just are fun anymore…

Thanks Eminem for giving us catchy blatant language mockery, the language we use to only hear in anger. We now lip sync in front of a post modern youtube video screen. Wal-mart the list triumphant guardian against trashy sailor language, is the reason many people curse under their breath across this beautiful country. Swearing has become a joke, we have become so calloused that we try to outdue each other with more lenghty more disgusting combinations of potty humor, and it only slightly amuses the recipent. What do we say these days when we stub our toe on the coffee table? What do we shout at people who cut us off in traffic? What should we say in protest, a president given right to our decaying community, when we have been wronged? this is a disgrace. Language has dumbed and numbed itself down to the point where nauseating language slips out of the mouth like butter, and nobody gets offended anymore. This is the new generation. Hipsters patrol the land with sarcastic cynicism which spills out of their encrusted minds with perfect precision, and yet, nobody skips a beat. nothing feels real, nothing can penetrate our shelter in which we are waiting out life to die. Again, thank you Eminem for giving us salvation from the last hoorah we were fighting.

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Working retail is playing god under artificial lights

I love working retail,
no sick days, (unless you can call in some other sap to work your slave shift, which is just about as impossible as it would be if it really were a slave shift)
no respect for those who ARE sick,
job security in the form of the passive aggressive threat of the 3ft high stack of filled out applications for your position by the multitudes of other starving countrymen (and women) looking to do your job for less in order to make any money at all. (which is more than they would be making)
Never ending mindless drivel, and manual labor.
constant waves of buisness, which wear on the mind like the sand on the beach.

40,000sq ft, or 400,000 square feet seems endless to every warm body that strolls inside “your store” but to you is a never big enough cage that haunts your dreams at night, and the ringer on your phone when someone tries to call in sick.

I love it though. I get to play god under florescent lighting. I create the changing seasons, of course this action begins 2 months in advance and ends 2 weeks before the actual start and finish of the seasons, but we have to beat god, otherwise we are being led by him, and we cant have god involved in retail. Heaven forbid! (no pun intended)

I am accused of shoplifting for “damaging out” equipment i need to do my job, which is not provided by the management, (sharpies, tape, staples, etc) and can ultimately be fired for it. Yet the management “damages out” and completely destroys sometimes by compacting, thousands upon thousands of products each month because “we would rather destroy these things, than sell them at a discount after the season has changed.” and “people would wait for the discounted price, and stop purchasing the product at bloated retail prices, so we are doing our part to prevent miserly behavior.”
But the people who would wait for the discounts (the smarter ones) would wait anyway, or just go and dumpster dive these things, or worse shoplift them anyway.
Most people can afford, and are happy to pay full price, theres some psychological effect happening in the brains of most people that says “discounted items, MUST be defective, or blemished in some way, and therefore i prefer to pay full price.”

But what people do not realize is, the companies only pay maybe 15% of what YOU pay in these stores. This is why a 75% sale STILL does not hurt them. They are still breaking even. And when people purchase these things for more than the 15% the store paid for them, the customers are now paying things like employee pay, store maintenence, damage and theft, and other misc. things.

Retail work IS playing god, and even better in my opinion, as we control the weather, the seasons, the maximum capacity, the sanitation, both the necessities and the luxuries, and in some cases the soundtrack to the consumers life. And everything comes with a fake smile, and a make believe feeling that we actually care about you, and your shopping pleasure.

All we ask you to bring is your wallet.

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I was done with you and ok about it

I shouldnt of let myself see you again. I should have bene an asshole and said no to pick you up, its always this way, im not sure why i thought this time would be different. Nothing happened. And thats good. a start in the right direction, a rarity for me. So many mixed emotions. Do i touch you, do i avoid you, do i not make eye contact? i try to avoid any contact at all, but thats impossible in a car. N wonder i was biting my nails, i can handle stress, i can handle pressure no problem, i can even handle being yelled at for long durrations of time, but driving an ex 40 mins down the highway makes me lose my mind. I love you, i enjoyed oyu in my life, and i was serious, we dont have much in common and it really sucks, but thats why i broke it off, because we are too distant, and i hated it. I hate being in the next seat over from you, and having to bite my nails to keep my hands off you, my mouth from your lips, but i had to do it. I have fallen for that trap two other times with the exact same outcome, and i dont forsee the future any different. Im sorry, but im going back into hiding again. This was too much for me. Please understand, i dont hate you, but when im around you i want you, but for the comfort you provide me, and thats the wrong reason. You deserve better than that. and im avoiding you so you can let me go as well. 

im sorry. my butterflies are turing back into catapillers.

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Alien fetus

Ive been thinking a lot lately about having kids. Im getting older, and although i dont have a steady job, i can provide enough. The problem is not having kids, its finding someone I want to share them with. I use to be a big flirt, i suppose i still am, running aorund doing my thang or whatever, but im looking to settle down, i want to go back to camp this summer, but of course a different one, thanks to mine going under, i love kids, they are too much fun,im still a kid at heart, but my body is starting to get older, and i cant run and play like i want to, i dont want to wait too long and not be able to chase my kids around the yard, catching snakes, jumping on trampolenes, taking swimming lessons, skateboarding, you know, 

i suppose i should have taken several different paths in my life so i would have had them already, but honestly its the path i chose that got me here, so at any rate, ill find what im looking for soon enough,

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I gave you my all, what more do you want?

Sure things didnt work out, theres a reason for that. I didnt like being watched when I came over, feeling like i was always on stage, being referred to in the third person, addressed as if you were telling your imaginary friends about my while i was standing right in front of you. Sorry, but thats rather awkward. I thought it was funny at first, then I realized you were just being entertained by me. its funny though, now you want your entertainment back. Tupraware, movies, anything else you left here, ill give it all back, i have no problems giving you anything, i gave you everything, but i guess these things i forgot, but none the less, ill give them back, 

the only thing you cant have back, due to the fact i dont know how to give it back to you, is the last few months we had together. I learned a lot from you, about myself, and how to open up to people, even just working retail. And its doing me some good. 

I tried to love you, even felt it a few times, i did my best, i came back for you several times, but eventually i realized. 

Im sorry if i couldnt take being your diva anymore, im over it. I got out of theater because i hated repeating myself. I hated being the nights entertainment, and going home alone afterwords. 

All in all, i dont regret, whatever, chalk it up i suppose, yet another notch on my empty wall, my  shallow existance right? call me whatever you like, just dont call me again.

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There’s beauty in that rotten pomogranate

There’s beauty in that rotten pomogranate, 

Life is full of rotting fruit, gems of the forgotten, jewels of the disguarded, dumpster diving, i come accross such reminders of inner beauty vs asthetics, and it reminds me of those things i fell in love with over time as opposed to instantly. I never liked the smell of ciggarettes, but you, you conditioned my senses to relate the smell of stale butts to youre bedroom, your balconey, your presence, and i cant shake that butterfly stomach effect associated with them. Or is that rather a potential vomit i feel comming up?

We all die. This is true, sometimes we escape taxes, this is also true. Hopefully we each find love, be it in a person, place or thing, and i think we generally do, and those of us who chose to ignore the bruised beaten and decaying intestines of a pomogranate tend to live a much more agonizing life. Notice the usage of the word life as opposed to death, because whether you ignore that innocent beauty or bask in it, you still have to live beside it. Like I will always relate the butts i come accross to you, and youre eternal youth, forever etched in my mind, forever grateful to have had that chance to be with you, at least long enough to learn to love your ugly habits. Those habits that comfort me when youre not around to do it yourself.

One of my co-workers Phil, had a stroke the other day, shes back to work today as void of life as she was while she was convulsing on the floor benieth me, waiting for the paramedics. She makes sloppy melting cakes, nobody touches, cause they look like someone deficated on them, but she always comes in with pearl earings, eye shaddow, and lipstick, as if reaching out to some middle aged man that she still tries to impress, and still begs for their company in her lonely bed at night. She is beautiful, like the pomogranate we spoke of above. 

Another co-worker, my friend kathleen, works with fake flowers all day long, yet longs for the real thing. Dont we all? who can resist the beauty of a fresh flower? Why else did you think they were so popular? Even those who dispise flowers and try their best to convince themselves all day long that flowers are the devils work, know deep down they envy the beauty of a flower. 

When purchased they come in many forms, fresh haircuts, expensive clothes, botox, but do they really bring happiness? however when given, in such forms as double coupons, a fat tip, a smile form the girl in the red dress on the subway train, the comfort of grandmas quilt, they can live on for eternity, etched in the mind as ideas of beauty, as opposed to the real thing which fades. 

Kathleen overcame cancer. her cure in addition to all the modern technology, radiation, gizmos, gadgets, etc, was more her spirit than anything, kathleen is strong, but soft enough to love, and the love she gives, gives back to her threefold, she beat her cancer, or so she tells me, through the shit eating grin on her face, kathleen is pretty in comparrison to phil, she tries to be beautiful, she tries masking herself with flowers, and sometimes its attractive as all flowers can be, but phil, doesnt need flowers, her beauty shines in her graceful dedication, to her peers, to her friends, to her loyalists, 

nobody rode with phil to the hospital, she was alone, and disorented thought it was still 2006 in the back of the ambulance, nobody carried her, cradled her in their arms through the whole ordeal, and now, a week later, shes back at the daily grind. never said a word ton anyone about it, just simply endured a,d drove onward. everforward to her grave, she is beautiful. not because of her servitude to the tainted system, but rather her determination to face the rugged slopes of life doing somersaults, boucne back up, and still feel pretty enough to wear her pearl earrings, even though her face is showing its wear, 

life is fucking tough, and its never getting easier, but i wouldnt have it any other way. ive seen death firsthand on several occasions, stared it dead in the pupil, its cold, its dark, and its lonely, like a johnny cash song, but its not the worst part of life, and i am no longer afraid, thanks to people i meet like phil, who protect me from the fear of death, thanks to my friend the dumpster dived pomogranate, 

and my endless supply of stale cigarette butts, to remind me of you.

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Today

Today I realized. Today I learned something about life. People are cordial, sure, people smile, and pretend to be happy, especially when purchasing some nice shiney item they have absolutely no need for had they been stranded on a beautiful but desolate island somewhere out in the pacific ocean. They bitch when you take too long to ring them up, because waiting in line is the last thing they want when they have this new item they are going to take home play with for a short while, and let the dust bunnies do their work on. 

This is the same for all human interactions. All human related objects of lust, impulsive passion. We breath these “desires” in then exhale them back out again, and the further along we tread in life, the more reliant on impulse we become, and the less we truely long for something, giving it the real passion we would desire. We dont need that wait, the only wait we have these days is in the checkout line. The cashier is the worlds defender of passion, the block, the reason we love our items at all after we purchase them. The cashier is the only person who sees through our bullshit, chooses to ignore it, chooses to ignore that piece of ghiridelli chocklate you just had to have, that bag of candy corn, that pint of ben and jerrys, that condom, that photo of you and your boyfriend going at it, that dildo, that porn magazine. We see life, for the reality it is. Sad, and pitiful.

As a dumpster diver, i have evolved to elude the pretentious cashier, the gatekeeper, i have ridded my life of the majority of my impulse, and i am a happier person because of this. I have spent many a nights looking for something. some item of my desire, my dreams, and when i find it, glory be the day, i can wait forever to find a stash of yogart, a pair of fitting shoes, a decent shirt, a new flashlight, and when i get it the wait makes it even more special to me, and even harder to let go of, but i find a way, since i no longer have to pay homage to the cashier, i give these beloved gifts freely and make even more people happy, you see, happyness can be recycled, as can any other emotion, but why recycle the bad? why give anger and hatrid for christmas, sadness for valentines day? 

I have many theories as to what life is all about, but what i tiihnk it really boils down to is not your 5 mins of fame, but rather your ability to learn the difference between happyness and sadness, anger and pride, these things create a well rounded soul, someone who even with their add, or ocd, or compulsive lieing, or deciet, and so on and so forth can still learn how to recycle the good things in life, 

the planet is going to collapse, it has before, its really not the point, mother nature can take care of herself, but to find a shread of glory, a shard of happiness in the gray is magical, you dont need to go out and buy it, i promise it isnt going to make you happy, it will only occupy your time. 

what you need, is to recycle the things in your life that make you happy to others who are less fortunate. with this your life will be that much better. 

I love you, i miss you, i will never forget you, i may be hurt, i may be jealous, i may be a pain in the ass form time to time, but its going to fade, my memory fades, and i have found thanks to the above, the more i recycle the good, the bad in my life fades away. there has been tons of good in my life, and the bad can never replace it, but the good is what sticks much longer. 

its 7:15 again, and again i ant sleep, i have passed that point several hours ago, thanks in part to my friends on youtube, and other places that keep my mind from sleeping, i dream when im awake through the internet, i love when awake through the internet at times, sometimes more so than in person, now im rambling again. 

maybe someday ill go back and edit these, untill then welcome to my restless mind.

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Im glad your well, im well too…

You know i love you, you can deny it all day long, but at the end of the day you also know why im not with you. You ARE self involved. I treat you like a queen, and you come to expect nothing less. Well, you are not a queen, and i am not always in the mood to treat you as such. And on those days, you shit on me for not being your slave. Fair enough. I still love you. And i still consider you on the top, but im gone, and you are starting over. Good. Im glad. Im happy you can so easily pick up and move forward. By the way, not everything in here is about you. Im sorry if you think i spend my life writing about you. Cause i only spend a portion of it. And even then, most of that is because you pissed me off. And i used writing as an out. We ARE very alike you and I. We both express our frustrations through art. And violence, and crying, and isolated depression. We are each others drug. We create highs , then we fucking crash, then we are addicted to each other. I hate it. I fucking hate being addicted to you. You are my love, you hold my heart, my body, my soul, and even my mind at times, and it consumes me, to the point where i neglect myself. I fucking love you, and i hate what it does to me. I hate being vulnerable, weak, clueless, and i hate playing the veiled fool, and i hate that you have changed so fucking fast, you have turned around, you have been true to me, and i am still suffering from shit that ended ages ago. Why? WHy cant it be like it was when i was stupid? Why do i have to continue to suffer? fucking christ i love you to death, and i cant be with you because i make myself sick around you. You want to talk about torture? this is fucking torture, self imposed torture.

I did my fucking best, i tried so many times, im still fucking trying to change, to get over it, to love you with all my mind all the time as well, but i am weak, and i stab myself, in your name, and slide backwards in therapy.

I want to be with you. i want to love you like i did that first time we met, i want to be ignorant agian, to blindly trust, to boldy share, but i cant, and thats why i left. and thats why i think i should stay gone, we both deserve better, maybe someday i will change, and you will still want me, but i doubt it, as you even said, there are so many other guys that would give you what i gave you, that you can chose from. well, i hope you find your happyness,

in the meantime, im going back to school, im getting a job, im working on my future, and trying my fucking best to not think about this addiction of mine. Im making my life the most important one. No longer someone elses.

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funny the chaos in life

Advertising has its perks, as we all know if you dont advertise you dont get results. Directly or indirectly, it works. even a fucking online blog gets results even when you least expect it will, its fucking 6:25 am and i am feeling better, whether it was writing my drama out, and showcasing it to the international anonamous public, or having the intended directee recieve the message loud and clear, either way, it worked, i like adbusters, but they got one thing wrong, advertising is vital for a healthy mind, even if your mind is far from healthy, what the fuck m i on about, it must be really late cause im hungry for some mac and cheese, and i cant think straight, sorry if i offended anyone.

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Another fucking morning without you

Im glad you had a happy holiday, i hope you got your costume together. I hope you had a party, and got some.

Im sorry i seemed to have wasted your time, but fuck you. I came back, for the unteenth time, trying to make it work, i forgave as much as i had it in me to forgive, but did you care? fuck no! You were just happy to have another dick in your life. The last one dumped you in new york, i hope he fucked you, and then dumped your ass, cause you sure made him a nice notebook, much better than the one you were making me. I also appriciate you stealing a good bit of ideas form the one I made you. You fucking pathetic waste of life. I hate you. But for some fucking insane reason, i love you and, here I am another fucking night without you, feeling like shit, and im not sure what feels more like shit, being dumped by you for any other guy that flirted with you when i wasnt at 150%, or being without you, the most amazing woman i have ever met, and by far the most perfect for me, except that one little fault. your self esteem.

I did my fucking best to boost it, as did ben or so i thought, maybe he didnt, who fucking knows, but this isnt about ben, its about you, we spent close to a year, and countless wars, and recoveries together, we traveled the country together, we fucking had some times didnt we? we should have a movie, you should be played by winona ryder,  with all her clepto twisted glory, and i by john cusack in high fidelity, except only the part of him that hates you then comes back to you, you are the cusack that constantly cheats on his girls, looking for something to satisfy your low self esteem issues at all times, cause your art has run dry, your job sucks, and you have no friends except guys who want to get in your pants, and you probably let them you are a habitual liar, and i fucking hated you for it. The more you felt like shit about yourself the more you did stupid shit, and the more you lied about it, and the more we both felt like shit creating our downward spiral.

you want to know why i left? i told you all over the place. but im sure it doesnt even matter to you now, cause im sure you already have someone else, good for you, but they will never make you as happy as i did, they will never love you like I do, and you may come to learn that someday, but i doubt it, cause youll never be alone long enough to think.

god, you fucking suck. maybe im being a woman, but i fucking love you, and you shit on me, and lied about it so many times why should i have trusted you? im sure karma will sort things out, but fuck, ide rather have you in my life than you get punished by some stupid faith driven force. i fucking love you to death, and i cant be with you. i cant fucking do it, and its tearing me apart inside, and to think you are living your life like nothing happened, like i mean nothing to you, fuck,  thanks for the beautiful blog about how you were upset, but the part about me fucking up your halloween was a nice touch that reminded me how little i ment to you. I was a filler in your vaccumme, and i got sucked up in it all.

some day ill give any bits of my heart i win back from you to someone new, and they will appriciate me like you should have, and maybe someday you will allow someone to love you for you, you are so fucking beautiful, especially now that youve gained weight, god, you are so fucking hot now, and i dont think you see it, but who knows what the hell goes on inside that twisted fucking head of yours, maybe its all just one big iphone, and nothing else.

whatever….

i like writing about this, it helps me feel better. it makes me feel ok that i got away.

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“AUG Mother Fucker!!!” Man I spent nearly 5 years of my post high school pre college life in that hell hole. I made the best of it, and had it not been for Nacho-Mama’s burrito place, Bryan James Volkey, Johnson, and my car, I’de have ogne crazy. I finally found out about columbia sc and tiffany and ellen, and stealing bikes, and dumpster diving and breaking the law and being a total rebel in this enviornment, and there were some good times, but mostly it sucked ass. Wow. Augusta Ga, lost my virginity, my first girlfriend, my first protest, my first home away from home, tons of friends, tons of lonely days where being a hermit was the only way to cope with a fascist government fist carried out by co-workers who felt it was their duty to punish me for everything on the face of the earth, and i rebelled against it all. Oh we all did in some way or another. I remember so much about you augusta, and this is one of the only photos i have of you, and yet, what more do i need? this one explains it all. Politics, fucking, fucking off, ska hats, leather jackets, homelessness, late nights turning into early mornings, skateboarding, cameras, and hardly anything to show for it except life experiences. Which i suppose is better than most.

 

God i remember so much just from this one picture, i remember the hangnail gallery, which closed down, the best punk venue ever, i remember bands that played there the intimate mosh pits, the lame ass croud stuck in shitty augusta also, i remember trying to act like i wasnt in the military every where i went and gettin gaway with it, i remember the one and only strip club experiance i ever had with my roomate having to take a dump and it being the only place open, and looking atrocious, 

I remember melissa, both of them comming to visit me in my shitty ass dorm room, the crappy pool table, my first real fight, where i nearly got my ass stomped, by my supposed best friend, i remember the friendly talking (barking) fox that visited me on occassion, and how one day he showed up with a wife and kids, and i never saw him agian, 

I remember dumpsters filled with treasures almost nightly, i remember finding the suicide journal, and giving it back to its rightful owner, and never hearing back from her, i remember you beth, finding your number in an old address book, and liberating myself from this shit hole through you, and dreams of meeting you in california some day, i remember haivng to go to hooters, cause my friends knew no other place to go on a work night, i remember shamming out of every fucking detail on the planet, i remember asa and chatting about religion all night long, i remember endless nights of youtube and practicing breakdancing, and spending 12 hours 6 days a week, watching green lines turn red, and us turning them green again, i remember talking to you melissa all nigh tlong on the phone, if you called me i got to talk to you for free, im not sure how much it cost you, but, i remember us trying desperately to have sex at work, but it failing, 

the radio show in ait, i cant forget that, its all over my old video tapes, the augusta film club with its bunch of misfits, and hasbeens, trying to make a comeback,

AUG Mother F@#$%ER!!!

AUG Mother F@#$%ER!!!

 

 

augusta ga, who would have thought this hell hole would shape me into the person i am today.

 all that from this one lousy pic. interesting what a visual can do for the brain

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25 and what to show for it?

a quarter of a century old, and still at the same old routines, fascinated with history, like everything in my life, history, never new, never changing, stuck like the pages of a mildewed elementary school history book,, about the time I stopped creating, I seemed to have lost that ability, to think to create, to spark, to anything in my own light. 

 

Many people half my age progress further than I do, still looking for a 8$ an hour job, still changing majors, still fixing up the bullet dogger that got me cross country twice, and lord knows how many other places. I love the open road, but these days it only leads me down already traveled highways. To already conquered destinations. I wonder if this is how Christopher Columbus felt after America, how lance felt after his 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th and 7th tour de france, where do we go from here? how do we improve our constantly decaying brain cells before they all die out? 

I dont want to go on forever if all im doing is painting on the same fucking canvas, still titiling at the same piece of artwork 7 years later, where is the top of everest, im sick of being frostbit, im sick of getting snowed in, im ready for a revolution. 

But where do you find revolution in a deadbeat generation? Where 1’s and 0’s are more important than family values and playing outside on a trampoliene an activity which lately puts me out of breath. God im old, and yet, there are tons older than me, and they are still living, still creating, still giving life a chance, so why shouldnt I? 

Found a jones soda today, a block from my house at a convienence store run by a lovely middle aged Indian woman, she was very friendly, and was watching the sarah paulin riots where supporters of her were calling obama a terrorist. i hope he wins, and this country gets the kick in the mouth it deserves.

Until then I am working on a change. But where do you find revolution at 25? I dont know yet, but im out looking.

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holding on like a sticky note in the humidity

I love you, I honestly love you, i dream about you in my sleep, thats how embedded in my brain you have become. I want you. I desire you, your mind, your body, your company, you are the most attractive person to me in all the universe, and yet as you and I know we are not alone. There are more out there. There are more that I love, that you love, and, perhaps im being selfish holding on to you, all of you, for different reasons. For the same reasons. For the parts that I love, and not the parts I dont. I create one of you out of many. Is this selfish? If i treat the pieces equally? If I love your pieces whole heartedly, and devote my energy into each piece at 110%, will it create an atomic bomb? Are you loving me in pieces as well? If you were how would I feel about it? I havent had a chance to stop and think about that one yet. I know what it’s felt like to be a piece of the puzzle, and it sucks.

What the hell am I doing? It feels ok. It doesnt really feel wrong. I feel like im holding you up with damp sticky notes, trying to keep you there, even just barely, in case I need to use you for a quick note. 

On second thought, this doesnt feel real. Being so far away form you, communicating only through electronic mediums, even in close proximity, it doesnt feel real anymore. How do I not confuse the pieces? How do they not overlap at times? How has my life gone on this long, with so many different pieces, and never a full puzzle? Shit. Ide give anything just to see the fucking picture, 

On any given day, I love one piece more than another, but all in all, i love you all the same. 

Maybe some day Ill mix a chemical, and bond you all together, and have my fucking picture, until that day, ill keep burning up phone cards, and sleeping on bus lines, just like I lived 8 blocks away. 

I love you. I hope you find what youre looking for, even if its not from me. And I hope I make you feel amazing while you are hanging around for me.

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Am I disconnecting through connections?

I fear I am slowly losing touch with reality. I am slipping into an electronic hermit shell where instantaneous results have back-washed language, have decomposed meanings. Thinking is a luxury. Feeding on an endless sea of pop culture, advertising, and capitalism, who has time to think? Who has time to hold anothers hand when theres txting to be done? Who has time to kiss ones lips when theres lipstick to apply, piercings to attend to, images to uphold? Who has time for intimacy when theres sex, porn, video games? 

I sit here in the bottom of a warm shower for what seems like hours, but passes only in minutes, sweating, hoping, praying for a status update on my facebook account that never came. I spew rotfl and wtf and lol’s out in face to face conversations. My vote goes to the next top model rather than the next president. Michael Phelps dominates any other Olympian who has spent their entire life dedicated to this one race, this one instant, they do not matter, their time a dust bunny, to be sucked up in the vacuum of history. And what of me? I am no Olympian. I am no star. I am nobody important. What do i expect to receive for my life? Even Michael Phelps will be forgotten in a few weeks. 

What is real? Why does it matter? Were all dead anyway. Friends, family, enemies. All the same. All equal in the end. Relationships are formed slowly, but can be taken away instantly. Sometimes the pain of the breakup, the rush, is the only thing real to me. Even that is gone as quickly as it came. Who needs drugs when you have an I-phone? 

What the hell is happening to me? What the hell is going on in this world? Where can humans feel again?

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You don’t learn much from gluttony

Rich kids are the prime example of this. When times are fat, and life is good, one stagnates intilectually. Why would there be violence, fasting, and famine? In a round about way, to enhance the human race, in an obscure form of evolution devestation creates new life depth and perception. Grahm Green said it best “and even in destruction there is creation…” 

People justify evil in the afterlife through modern religion. What they fail to realize is that evil is nessicary to challenge good so that good may become better than it used to be. I dont believe in a global rapture so to speak, only a personal rapture for each individual soul as it leaves its flesh blood and bone for some higher contiusness.

Anyway, im getting off track. Gluttony produces nothing but lazyness. I have fallen pray to such things. I believe i have learned my peak form life on the street (at least within the luxuary of a car) and i am getting lazy. I need some motivation. I need the Berkley Library to clasp me in its beautiful stone hands, and keep me till I read all there is inside, and then kick me out to walk the streets of central California as a post modern hippie, absorbing all the knoladge there is in the vibrant streets filled with beggars, gutter punks, and a dying breed of the 60’s selling tattered with love books waiting like new born puppies behind glass windows wagging their tails waiting for someone new to love them as thhey once were loved by their mothers. 

I need to cast myself away on a ship, with a pile of books, with no internet access, so that i may be forced to read real pages, rather than my updated status list on facebook. 

I need Ani DeFranco, and my friend Ellen in the same room as me to witness starstruck between a pupil and a master, and realize both can learn form each other. 

I need to stop filling my life with senseless romance, and walk the line of self preservation. 

I need to finnish Abbie Hoffmans’ biography. I suppose ill go get started on that.

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How can you starve in today’s America?

It seems impossible, yet people are dying of starvation, dehydration, and sheer exhaustion. It boggles my mind. America as it stands today is by far no third world drought wrecked crop failed dictatorship. There is food and fresh water flourishing up from the deepest ghettos of the darkest corners of the most unsanitary neighborhoods in this country. And those places are still better off than half the world because for a mere *gasp* $4 a gallon, or an average of 20mpg, at such a price, thats roughly $1 every 5 miles for a personal vehicle, which is rapidly becoming the least best way to travel. However catch a rideshare and your cost is sliced in half. Take the bus, and its sliced as well. Ride a bike, walk, pogo stick, the possibilities are endless. 

How you get to your food water and air conditioned sources is not important, as they are everywhere. 

Food can be found all over the place. 

Water the same, 

and air conditioning / heat (depending) any public building, libraries, schools, banks, grocery stores, department stores, anywhere, the sky is the limit. 

So again, im not sure why people are starving, dehydrating, and being rushed to hospitals wasting time and energy when there is fruit to be picked all over the place which can cure them for free.

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Knoladge

To each their own conception of what is intelligence.

Personally, spelling errors are a science,

one can spew plagerisim all day long

and never say anything worth listening to

One can ballance checkbooks blindfolded,

lie cheat and steal from ones neighbors,

increase ones social status

yet, in my mind,

the only true intelligence is the ability

to form ones own conclusions,

instigate effects beforehand,

justifing, ananlyzing, hypothisizing are all nice

but form your own opinion once in a while

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Dragonflies are good luck

aug 17th, 2007,

When they land on you according to old indian proverbs. Today one fluttered on down to a hault on my index finger. Wouldnt you know it i was in the middle of a conversation with a shop owner whom i had been ripping off free wireless internet from for the past two hours so i could work out some travel kinks. and the owner (an old korean man) instead of tossing me off his porch, brought me out a complimentary free large hot jasmine green tea. (exquisite might i add) What have i done to deserve this generosity?<br><br>Camp is over, and im moving onward to nyc stopping through a few main cities on route bringing along a friend from camp, we shall see what lies ahead. I hope clear channel doesnt take this blog and confiscate it for whatever reasons, maybe i should stop wrioting online and start writing in my journal my friend from cali made for me. <br><br>enjoy the rest of your day. I know i will.

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It gets lonely on the road

So its been close to a week, and im starting to feel the punch all great adventurers and wanderers feel while on the road. It gets lonely when you have nothing to do, and no place to go. Not having a job is great true, its nice not havinng responsibilities, but along with that, you have fewer and fewer places to interact with humans. Sure you can go to the store and chat it up with the cashier, or a bar, or someplace like that, but when you have no money, its hard to last more than a few mins in a place like that, without being tossed out. Sure ive got the internet, but its filled with lonely people as well. What do we do? This is a battle we fight, to have to work for our interactions? What kind of fucked up shit is that? We must slave to interact. No. This i will defy, this i will overcome, and soon enough i will figure out a way to interact with people for free. <br><br>Dear soul, i have not given up on you yet.

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Modest Mouse made my summer

You, my first, my stolen, my beating, my lungs, my butterfly stomach, you took me, made me forced me to change, took my virginity (literally), and then we fed the deer at the beach (or tried to anyway) even though the signs told us not to. That was the best summer of my life.

We frolicked, we ran, we fireman carried each other on our backs, we made out, we scratched our names on the park bench while feeding the ducks, we super soaked each other, we took pictures, we made out again, then we ran back to your bedroom,

god i miss your bedroom, i miss you. Where has the time gone? Where have you gone? You stopped returning my phone calls, you stopped writing me letters, you dropped off the face of the earth, and im stuck here listening to Modest Mouse reminiscing…. and i hate it. You are always my first. Always the break in, the break up, the broken, i wish i could see you again, but im sure youde probably spit in my face, and ide deserve it. But god you could kiss. You were the best. Ive been back to your neck of the woods several times since that monumental summer, but could never seem to locate you, in a city of millions upon millions, the world is not small enough to find someone who doesnt want to be found.

I wrote this for you, but cant remember if i gave a copy to you or not, so here it is, in case you check in from time to time silently.

“i dont know how to start this or what to write, dont worry its nothing bad, i just thought if i started writing you something would develop so far its not working, im just filling up a page with random nonsense. its hard to tell you what i want to tell you. its hard to have to say goodnight. its hard not being there next to you smelling your morning breath, when you wake up next to me in the morning. who will make sure i brush my teeth? wash that hard to reach place on my back (picture inserted in notebook) its so hard not to be able to see you or hold your hand or watch you laugh or smell your burps, or carry you around on my back or chase you around on a bed or a store or kiss you or hug you or play with your hair or give you massages or lay with you and watch movies while making out, whenever i get the urge to do so (which is quite often i might add…)

its so hard to be apart from you, but it will have to be like this for a little while yet. I hope we will survive this distance and come out on top. even though the odds are against us. i hope it will only make us stronger. but i also know life takes many turns and just as fast as we met and fell in love things can fall apart.

so im taking this one day one step at a time, and im loving you more and more each day, and even though i get jealous sometimes its a good jealous it makes me stop and think and realize i dont own you, and you dont owe anything to me, you are still very much free to do as you wish and i have to respect that about you and accept the fact that we may not always be together.

im in no way wishing we would end our relationship, i love you very much, and do not wish to make that mistake again. all im saying is that i have to bite the bullet sometimes and mind your freedom, and understand that you love me, and youre not trying to hurt me, and that i shouldnt try to control you, and i need to let you have your space…..”

and just as it ended there, we were hanging by our last threads, only to break them shortly thereafter, and never speak again.

The strange thing is, the same band modest mouse, was relevant in my future, but on a down note, as the thing i feared you were doing to me, actually happened. Maybe i cursed myself. either way, i lost you, and everyone else, and i have nobody to blame but myself, and modest mouse.

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it’s late, and i miss you

It’s late here,

im selling my car

im broke

im listening to sad country songs by cracker

im missing you.

I dont know if you are even awake, let alone

missing me too.

I guess it really doesnt matter does it?

life is about memories, and scar stories, and ive got more of the latter

my skin looks bad, i dont know if its the cold weather,

but im alone,

it’s not as bad as i thought it would be, im usually alone these days

(well, in my head, theres always someone around following me like a lost puppy, and i dont know why, im not unique. Nobody really is. We build upon that which has come before us, but we use the same words, the same senses, the same tools, the same feelings, the same everything. And we call it original. Its not. Its as generic as modern pop art, or the Sarsaparilla festival. Nothing new has ever been created, it has only been re-invented, adapted, expanded, just as love has been.

My love for you, was not created, it was enhanced, and now its lingering, and will for the rest of my life. Ill always wonder what if… but it doesnt matter, cause what if has already been answered. Here is what happened when…. and here i am. Its 2am, and your someplace else. My arms are empty, my mind is barely awake, and im stuck here thinking of you. As the world keeps on spinning, I hope i dont dream of you. I need my sleep, and my pillow needs a rest too.

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Possible band names

So a lot of times friends of mine say something stupid that blows my mind, and i think these phrases should be turned into band names.

Since im not musically inclined, tried my luck as a singer and got booed off stage,

feel free to use these if youre looking for a band name

Botched Abortion (stolen from an article in the news paper about a woman who sued her abortion clinic cause when she went she managed to still have the baby.)

Bloody Nipples (ed ed ed, you fascinate me. I think he heard about bloody nipples from a guy he knew who got his nipple rings ripped off in a mosh pit and they squirted everywhere feel free to add the suit part to the end of the band name if you like)

Bloody Bowl Movements (read in a medical book as one of the symptoms of chron’s disease.)

Kidney Stones (like rolling stones but more cripiling, i had to pee one out at a truck stop in wisconsin, and it was no joke, very metal)

Breast wine ( like “thats da breast damn wine ive ever tasted!” but not in this case, no no yet again ed, you figured out somehting no man should, breast milk gone bad, gets babies drunk. Whode of thunk it?)

Flight risk (you know like those people who claim to do something stupid on an ai ro pla ne? Thanks greg)

Purple 5’s ( as in those new 5 dollar bills with the stupid monopoly looking shit on the back?)

I pooped outside of my diper (maybe a song name, but adams cousin whos 16 months, and managed to poop so much he overfilled his diper.)

more to come….

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I missed out on you

I missed out on never ending play on jones beach, feeding deer, and tackling each other in the sand.

I missed out on midnight train rides to and from NYC, on the Long Island Expressway.

Vaginaface, penguin butt, monkey face,

you were mine for a short while, and i missed out.

I couldnt keep things together, when you loved me, and now you dont even acknoladge my existance.

I lost you among the world, and in the numerous times i have tried my best to find you again, i have always failed.

I live among the walking dead.

Without you, i am singular.

You made that summer my very best.

They say you never forget your first, i guess they are right.

Since i left you, ive been many places, with many people, in many different frames of mind, and i always find myself back with you.

Except, im not.

Im here and you are someplace else.

I miss you.

I love you.

I missed out on you, and i lived to regret it.

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im a genius!

Ive determined that i am a genius. For this mindset, i have been punished. I have been locked away. Unable to cope with social situations. I dispise bullshit. I only want facts. I need more information. I feed on it. I think so far outside the box, im not even welcomed in it anymore. I dont know how to interact with anyone else. I spend my time with myself, and sometimes i wish i was just normal. Humans are social creatures, they are not ment to be genius. They are ment to eat, shit, love, and make babies. But who the fuck wants to hang out with a genius? Possibly other geniuses, but i think they have the same problem. Besides. A genius is a genius because they are self involved. They alot the time and space to think. They dont incorporate drama into their everyday lives through bullshit social interactions. they dont have time for that. And in turn this actually pushes them away from other human interaction.

But i am through with being a genius. I just want to be around people again. I want to relearn how to have fun with others, rather than just by myself. I dont want to entertain, i want real friends. How do i rewire my brain? How do i dumb my senses, and just be again?

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Farmers should be paid more than Artists

art is a byproduct of having everything else you need in excess.

Im not saying art is not needed, it comes out when there is nothing left for the body to consume, when the body is happy the mind can play too.

I just think we take those people who keep our bodies happy for granted, and those people who create art for us (because we have been told they are better than us, think about it, “im an artist” how fucking elitist is that? we are all artists. Even if all we can draw is a stick figure, or all we can do is hum. That is still creating art, and it still does the job of entertaining the mind and soul.) are treated with some bullshit high horse.

Dont ever think you can not create art. So you may not be able to paint the mona lisa (personally i dont get anything out of the mona lisa, i prefer making a movie for myself, than looking at someone elses intsy weeny painting behind 6 ft of bullet proof glass) dont let society tell you anything other than you can do anything you put your mind to.

So what if i think taking a picture is a simple art form. It is. Its capturing an image. If it makes you happy, then its just as good as any art on the planet. Dont get mad at my fucking opinion, how stupid is that? its my opinion, not yours, and you most likely will only waste your air trying to convince me otherwise.

morally no man is an island eh? BULLSHIT. If no man were an island we wouldnt be able to do anything. We would be mechanic. We wouldnt have free will. (not just a christian belief) ((Perhaps if it were your way, the world would be a better place, because all people would co-operate, and be friends all the time, but what the hell is the point in that? since you learn the value of good by contrasting it with bad) We could get into all sorts of topics from this, like comparing morals, and figuring out world cultures definition of what are considered ethical commandments…”i.e. thou shall not kill” etc. etc. And you will find all over the cultural divide, people translate and recreate those commandments differently. Some tribes even *gasp* KILL ([url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannibalism]Cannibals!!![/url]). In certain situations it may be acceptable to commit murder also. Self defense, to rid society of other murderers, war for christs sakes. And even according to the year in which you search you will find people believed certain things were moral then as opposed to now, and vice versa. Where am i going with all this? I am saying… People create morals to help further the species. Morals are nothing more than rules to follow. Think about it. If people were freely allowed to kill each other, wouldnt the species die off? (I wont answer that one) The point is, if people create morals, why cant people change morals according to what fits them individually the best?

If i am starving, and you have a million apples, why shouldnt i steal one from you? Will you really miss it? Actually, why isnt you having a million apples, (which you will never be able to consume yourself) stealing from me the hungry? Its all perspective, EVERYTHING can be justified. Both sides of the argument. As some will say, “You know, if the man with a million apples worked to grow them himself, he has the right to do as he wishes with them. If that means give them to you, or not, thats his choice.” And thats their opinion. And we can waste air all day long back and forth trying to convince each other of our beliefs.

Karma is a rule set out like everything else. Coincidentally, it seems to have been given magical powers, (but i think we make it that way) and happens not on demand, but on point. Although in my experiance, Karma is not a 100%. Its affects range from “holy shit that bit me in the ass!” to “eh, whatever”. and everything in between.

Some cultures (asian and the like) which heavily believe in karma, have again justified this inconsistancy in karma, by encouraging the belief in reincarnation, and the idea of karma comming back around in your next life. (but what sense does that make? As you are veiled according to most reincarnation beliving religions any time you are given a new physical body, and therefore would not remember what you did to deserve your bad karma in your next life. Whats the fucking point in that?)

In the end, the only thing that matters is learning the difference between good and evil. If there isnt evil in the world, how can there be good? Light doesnt exist without the existence of darkness. Water without earth, etc. etc. (so if i steal from you, and you justify me as evil. I have just taught you a lesson in the battle of good vs evil. By stealing from you, i survive to learn the same. Its a cyclic battle that happens in order for things to continue running smoothly. What you really need to ask yourself is this, whats most important? Morals, or survival? This is a wild planet. And things WILL NEVER GO AS PLANNED. So take matters into your own hands, and live your life according to what suits you best. Create your own set of morals if you like, if it makes life easier for you. Follow others morals, if you think you are to busy to think about your own set. Do whats right for you, and try not to judge people form a one sided perspective. Open your mind to other possibilities.

I used to think stealing was evil. Then i justified people stealing from me in a different matter. (whether it was true or not) I would tell myself if someone stole something from me, especially something i wasnt using at the moment, i just figured they thought they could use it better or more than i was going to, and it didnt bother me anymore. Its survival. Take what you need, but dont get greedy. Only take what you need. And you will live a long happy life. (at least thats what i believe, your ideology might vary)

This topic is about stealing, and since i consider anyone to be able to recreate any piece of art, at any time, i dont see the point in selling art, especially not for the exuberant price tag some of it gets. And my new point is…(ARTISTS SHOULD NEVER GET PAID MORE THAN THOSE PEOPLE WHO KEEP US ALIVE TO ENJOY THE ART!!!)

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Its as true as the day richard hell proclaimed it…

“I belong to the blank generation, and i can take it or leave it each time.”

– Richard Hell

I dont hate my generation, I just dont participate in it. I am not a fan of Family Guy, I will never own an Iphone, I broke all three of my ipods, cause they are not as durable as tape players, I skateboard, but i cant do any fancy tricks. I eat dumpster dived food, I like sleeping in my car in as many different places as I possibly can. I avoid malls, I am still wearing the clothes i found comfortable in 10th grade, and for some reason i still fit in them. I am not up to date with the onion, or youtube culture, i dont even know how to use facebook, and i like it that way.

I wish i grew up in the 60’s because books and debates were more popular than t.v. and dance clubs, but i wouldnt have used the drugs, but without the drugs i think the 60’s yippie culture wouldnt have existed.

My generation has all the worlds knowledge at its fingertips on wikipedia,yet instead of absorbing the universe, we dumb ourselves down by abbreviating our glorious language into less than sentences over dead electronic space.

We have become impatient, where once a message took weeks even months to get from one lover to the next, now it takes a split second if even that long, and this impatience has led once Shakespearean worthy love to become bourbon st lust which quickly dilutes with the vomit and piss and bleach into the gutters of a new just as meaningless relationship.

I dont watch t.v. when its on, im fascinated by what has become calloused shock value. Curse words have lost their emphasizing value, news gore has tossed b-rate horror out the window, and sex scandals have become mainstream practice thereby rather than affecting, they teach people what is acceptable in a relationship.

people cant even drive to the grocery store without advertisements, at one time only on billboards, now at the $3.50 a gal gas pumps, on their shopping carts, dangling from airplanes at the beach, on dvds, water bottles, and now in their backseats  to help entertain ever impatient offspring.

Even presidential candidates are using guerrilla tactics to boost their campaign. Getting up has become Ron Pauls perogatory. And its getting him noticed in the underground scene. And people dont even realize whats happening

What am i going to buy with my tax return? Probably gas. Although it wont be enough to get me away from the mess engulfing me.

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Fuck Katrina!!!

fuck katrina, fuck school shootings, fuck the war, fuck death, fuck life, fuck the fucking word fuck as the only word harsh enough to discribe the feeling of having to give up the one you love because you cant bring yourself to terms with the fact that life sucks sometimes, and theres nothing you can do about it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck,

I hate being angry, i hate being sad, i hate being depressed, miserable, tired, and drooling away on this fucking mattress that smells like cigarettes, and all i want to do is sleep in the fetal position, i want you, i want to be with you, no i dont, yes i do, no i dont what the fuck? Im turning gray, what do i do? how do i turn my life around? im wasting away, i hate this i hate you, i love you, i hate myself for not loving you enough, i hate your ex for instigating the whole thing, for taking advantage, i should have known. Why didnt i see the red flags? what the fuck did i do wrong? I felt like shit, i feel like microwaved shit now, and whos fault is it but my own? fuck fucking fuck. what the fuck am i supposed to do but scream fuck all day long inside my head, i love you, i left you, i told you to go to hell, and i will never get to take that back as long as i fucking live. Ive been waiting for your call, and all the while youve been waiting for mine, im sorry, but ive been going mad with anxiety, ive been pacing so much my trench has cut clear to china, and oddly enough theres no ramen down there. what the fuck china? where the hell is the ramen?

aint nothing going right these days……

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Its raining in Iraq (circa 2005)

Its raining in Iraq

As i sit here in the rain,
cold and shivering,
my mind takes me from this staircase where i lay

i hear the not so distant bratt tatt tatt of scattered gunfire
as a unit is training to deploy.
even here, in the middle of nowhere georgia
the sounds of war consume me

as the rounds pierce my brain,
i wonder if there is some unfortunate soul
whose boots are filled with hatred, lies, confusion, deceit,
some young kid, some old man some, blond haired blue eyed queen
who misses his mother, his daughters, her prom king

not all soldiers want to be over there,
not all soldiers know why we are fighting.
not all soldiers have the courage to stand up to their chain of command,
not all soldiers have the audacity to defend peace while rounds are whizzing past their sand blasted face.

they come home,
no one understands their thoughts, their nightmares
their daydreams
who will take care of these troops
who dont understand why they fear children, dogs,
spare tires on the side of the streets
who will hold their hand as they hessitantly inch down the busy streets
where their fellow countrymen argue we have no buisness over there,
the troops are a disgrace.

who will win this war?
what difference does it make?
what will we think of human beings tomorrow morning?

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Im gonna fake my own death….

Since i was very young I have had dreams of dying in horrendus accidents. I just finished a book called “many lives, many masters” where a psychologist is receiving messages from a 6th dimension, through a patient who is reliving past lives through hypnosis. The book in a nutshell proclaimes death as merely playing a part in the cycle of continuous reincarnation where as the spirit goes through a learning process and depending upon karma and personal choice after death chooses perticular situations to be reincarnated back into. For example, you could potentially be sent to live in an abusive relationship be it a lover or guardian, and have to learn forgiveness, and eternal love.

Where this falls into place with my point, is this. When I was little, actually up until i joined the army, I would have dreams of being hit by a bus, being a combat medic, and being mauled by a bear in the woods.  They didnt seem like dreams, they seemed like real life.

In the book it talks about previous lives being remembered in new lives in the form of dreams, and mortal wounds being reborn  on the flesh in the form of birthmarks. Ive got several birthmarks in places that I could have potentially died, one on my neck, one on my ribcage,

I joined the Army in part because of my dreams of being a combat medic, when i would get depressed I thought alot about jumping in front of a bus, and I have always wanted to take on a bear in the woods, and see who the winner was,  maybe one of these days I will.

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Today I learned not to fuck with illegals…

So it has been told that illegals are helpless, peons unable to fend for themselves in the big bad united states, full of opportunities and capitalisim. Today I learned about a group of illegals recruited to do a week long job  an hour away from where they were picked up. At the end of the week when the job was done they called the guy who picked them up, and asked him when they were going to collect the 600 the guy owed them for doing the work nobody else would have done for that cheep, that well. The guy told them to go shove it, and they decided instead of calling the cops and possibly getting deported they were going to take matters into their own hands, and buy 20 bucks worth of gasoline and douse the guys house with it, then set it ablaze.

When the guy returned home to the charred remains of  his beautiful victorian home, he immediately called his insurance company, who told him after a simple investigation the house was set ablaze by arson, and since it was deliberate they would not give him any money for his home. They suggested he call the cops. So he did.

The cops asked him what the problem was, obviously that his house had been burned down by a band of illegal immigrants he had working for him.  The cops asked for any paperwork or social security numbers of the guys, and the man could not find anything since they werent even citizens. So the cops asked him for a discription of the arsons. “Well they were about medium sized men, dark skin, illegal, thick 60’s porn stashes, and dark mullets.” To which the cop responded “can you tell us anything else? we have a million illegals in this city that fit the discription you just gave us.” Of course the man couldnt. and justice was served.

Moral of the story, never underestimate the small guy, and never ever ever assume you can get away with injustice. Karma’s a bitch.

One last thing, its interesting to note how the sheer stereotype of any other ethniticity is they all look the same, i.e. all black people look the same, all mexicans look the same, heres an example of those people knowing they are stereotyped in this way, and using it to their advantage.

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so I havent written in a while…

so I havent written in a while…

dont let that fool you, I havent stoped learning, i just havent had a stable internet connection.

So here i sit, crosslegged on a bed ive occupied for nearly 3 months total, and it doesnt feel like home. Nothing really does these days. With the exception of my car, and summer camp (which unfortunately is seasonal and still 6 months away).  But none the less, i have been learning, and growing, and feel the need to write about it.

So what if i cant use $10 words in my writing, and it flows more like a glacier than a river in dialouge. I cant spell, and honestly dont really care. Language was man made, so why cant man make language change to suit himself the way he sees fit? The point of language after all is to get the reader to understand what the writer is trying to convey. Spellinng errors, gramatical errors, punctuation issues, who cares. As long as you still comprehend what I am saying nothing else matters. Anyway im getting off point.

Im about to make a pretty big long term commitment in the form of a lease, with a person I only know vaguely, for the next 9 months of my life. Its not a fetus, (but we have had our share of that scare) but its a big financial commitment. I think things will work out just fine, but theres always that negative looming devil on my left shoulder you know.

Again, this is besides the point.

Ive been living in New Orleans for the past month, and have tried my best to adapt here. Scavenging has proven plentyful, and I am finding roughly $700 worth of groceries a week, in several different places, so i know i will never starve, and yet, I have to work all the time, (currently am employed 4 different places) to afford the lifestyle I have found myself in. I.E. girlfriend, apartment, work, driving, etc.

The work I find myself in is barbacking. Me. A non-drinker, non-smoker, non-anything exciting really, works at three different bars. Way to imerse myself into a culture I dispis. Oh the irony. So have I changed my viewpoint on those things I hate? Drinking, partying, sleeping around, drugs. Ha! Hardly. Actually i find myself ignoring more of it now than ever. I read at work when i can, and I trudge along working the muscles in my body non-stop when things get busy. the only thing I suppose I learned is that I still think those vices are an escape from problems such as low self esteem, and self worth, which enivitably lead to more problems such as addictions to substances which ruin the body well before its time. Not to mention the shame, and regret from the times the user lost control and did things they wouldnt morally have done sober.

My girlfriend here in New Orleans has taught me way more than I could have ever learned anywhere else I believe. She has taught me patience, as she is one of the most impulsive, emotional, and OCD people I have ever met. She has taught me the importance of responsibility for your actions, in that we thought we were pregnant several times, and I had to grow up real quick expecting a child on the way. Thankfully they were only scares, but the reality is still with me. She has taught me unconditional forgiveness, in that things came to light about no couple should have to deal with, but we did, and I forgave every time, and will continue to in the future. I  believe no one is bad. they make bad choices, but they are not pure evil. My girlfriend is the most forgiving person I have ever met, and I think it has just rubbed off on me. Did her bad choices hurt? Hell yes they did, but it was not the end of the world. I too have made terrible choices in my life which effected people I loved far beyond I could ever imagine. I am a firm believer in karma, and I feel this was my karma biting me in the ass. Everyone deserves to have their heart broken, i suppose I never really did. And you know what? I recovered. We all recover. or we die. And become reincarnated. And fall in love again.

When i first moved to New Orleans, all I saw was Burbon St, and the bars and the whore houses, and the smut, and the trash, and the vomit, and the piss, and the seduction of the city that creates an atmosphere that breeds these sinful indulgences in everyday people who can not fight the system. The seduction seduced me even. I was tempted at first to start smoking, start doing drugs, etc. But with the help of my girlfriend, and my friends with whom i could vent, I fought my impulses, and today I feel fine. I can fight the system, and honestly it doesnt really tempt me anymore. Ive learned to deal with things i used to be afraid to mention.

By no means am i done learning, some things still make me want to vomit. The mention of a significant other talking about their drug experiances, rape in general, and a significant other wanting to ad anyone else into our sex life. well honestly thats all i can think of at the moment. so i guess ill leave it at that. Im not sure how i will ever feel comfortable with those things, but anything is possible.

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some thoughts on religion and the meaning of life

voodoo works to heal mental ailments in part because its so abstract one gets sucked into the intensity of the moment and psyccly lapses themselves from whatever mental ailment they had previously been captivated by. this is a religion for the outcasts of society, as all humans need a religion, those who do not feel accepted by the social norm tend to migrate twards such outlandish religions as paganisim and voodoo.

christianity on the other hand is more for the mainstream go with the flow type people, who know murder is wrong, and robbing is a bad idea, maybe not why, but just that it is, and they need a structured yet refined and mundane religon with no whistles and bells, but alows for sin, and the repentance of such.

zen and budisim are religions of ones own mind, and tend to become the religionn of choice for intilectuals. not to be confused with college rebelious intelectuals who find belief in no god is a religion. there has to be some form of a higher power inorder for things to continue to rectcle replenish and renew. having no god is chaos and even in destruction there is creation therefore chaos is simply a predestined reaction brought about by hard to determine cause and effects, the  human brain has yet to understand, and like the mormons say, if there is some controlling higher power we are not allowed to figure out, as it takes away the meaning of life, which is to learn pain and suffering, in order to understand and cherrish love and joy.

my theory is that god and the devil per say are actually one in the same. The being that is god is actually the only being ever to actually intertwine good and evil intraveiniously, and somehow which i havent figured out yet, has formed a contiousness , and wants each and every one of us to be like him/her/it and do our best to learn good and evil are both nessicary in order for there to be continuous rebirth, reincarnation, and the continuation of life in any sense, through evolution or not, as long as we understand good and evil are supposed to coexist. that is infact the meaning of life, to realize good and bad are supposed to merge as one, and from good comes evil, from evil comes good, this is the way of life, and the very basic level of life. this is the only way life can exist, by exchanging one for the other in a violent continuous motion.

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Zen…

zen is not a word, well of course its a word silly, but more so a state of mind. Utopia, nirvana, bliss, ecstasy, all words that try to define something people rarely reach, or if they do, ignore it. I could be wrong, im after all merely a pessimisticly flawed human being, compiled of h2o and various other unstable chemical compounds, but in this day and age it seems people are more than ever stearing away from life outdoors, au natural if you please and in a strange sense, bringing zen in a neat little fold out yoga mat wherever they find themselves for 20 mins. People need zen. People need a lot of things, food, shelter, climate controlled studio apartments with high end track lighting, and zen. I find zen to be a stealthy yet malignante state of being which can be aroused instantaniously with a few handstands, or the lowering of ones eyelids. If i could bottle zen, ide be a capitalist, but noone would appriciate it like i did. if you want some zen, its always around for the taking , in the middle of something important? great time for some zen. get back to your own life. quit pleasing everyone else and just zen.

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Waiting……

What is it about waiting that stirs such agony, anxiety, anticipation? Why do we wait? What do we wait for? Bills? Checks? Amusement park rides? a loved one? a loved one to die? News of a loved one? Food? Shelter? Drinks? Jesus? The rapture? Are any of these valid reasons to put our current life on hold? Right now im waiting for Flogging Molly to play a set, so i can finish up here, and move back to my love who is in turn waiting for me, and indirectly Flogging Molly to play a set with me so i can return to her again. Why? What is it about these above things that drives us to wait for them? What would life be like if we didnt have to wait? If everything was instant. Instant coffee, instant joy instant pain, instant orgasms, would we really appriciate these things in the same way? As much as it torments me to wait, i do it anyway. Im not so much a fan of the end result, more so a fan of the waiting, the hype, the build up, the end result is more or less just relief.
What were you waiting for? Something more profound? Haha made you wait.

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sleeping with my pillow tonight

The smell of you lingers on  my pillow, even though you’re long gone. I grab onto anything of substance, anything of semi-equal mass of your precious body, praying it to be you, only to find dead material.

When are you coming back?

When if ever will I get to see you again?

Missing you is driving me mad with lust, desire, anticipation, ive got fidgity hands, an egar heart, a discombobulated brain, i cant function without you near me, im a mess. and youve only been gone a short while.

Oh love is such an evil thing.

Tonight im holding my pillow, in anticipation of a phone call from you that will never come. I dont move fast. I take my time. I dont talk much, I listen. I dont hit, i comfort. im not sure exactly what you were looking for, and what you wanted to get out of me, but im afraid I have fallen for you, and it seems the more I long to be close to you, the further away you want to be from me.

C’est la vie i suppose, but it doesnt make things any better.

Im a romantic, i want to hold you, i dont want to have my way with you and be done, im not sure if thats what you are looking for. I dont think it is. it cant be, you are to loving for that. You touch me like I want to touch you, and I cant figure out what is going on in your mind, I wish you would tell me. I wish you would answer me, in any shape or form, it hurts more waiting in the dark than being rejected in the light.

I shaved and got a hair cut today, I feel a thousand times better, and yet you havent called tonight. Where are you vaintellis? Why do you temp and leave? What do you get out of all this? I didnt mean to hit the rabbit, im sorry, i tried to avoid it, I tried to be a part of your life, but im afraid i have forgotten how to kiss, and like my car to the rabbit you have come, done the damage, and drove off unscathed.

I hope i get to see you again, but i probably wont even get a phone call. And I suppose thats the way things are, so tonight ill just have to wrap my arms around my pillow, wishing it were you sleeping next to me, and realize youre not coming back again.

I wish i drank, so i could drink my heartache away, but i dont have any other out, so i drudge onward, waiting, posting this note on craigslist not like you’ll see it. We finally got to the lake, and it seemed that was the climax of our relationship. What a way to go.

(p.s. the above was written around a week ago, i think the ad is still on craigslist 😉

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 3 Comments

Hands

Do you know what these hands can do?

These hands can make a deal,

break a face,

bake a cake,

cook a steak,

rake, fish, and take life away,

These hands can restore life in operating rooms,

they can work, they can play,

they love,

they hate,

they comfort, they hold, they cover up in shame, they wipe tears away

but what happens when these hands are taken away?

the brain behind the hands must figure out how to make due,

after all, how do you make a cake with no hands,

how do you drive a car, or even cut your overcooked steak?

Oh the things we can do with our hands,

but the real wonder is the things we can do with our brains.

 

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I got published!!!!

http://www.personalbee.com/1110/22096055

http://www.personalbee.com/1110/22102561

http://festivalpreviewrock.blogspot.com/2007/11/voodoo-part-3.html

to be found here, you can get published too!!

Ok so its not much as of yet, but hey we all start somewhere right?

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 1 Comment

Reptiles are dangerous

I really want to catch a snake before I leave New Orleans. Like I used to do in my youth. Catch a big non-poisionous snake, and bring it in to show my mom, and she would nod and tell me to put it back outside. And then it would crap on me. Wet nasty white and black turds, probably cause it didnt like being picked up and manhandeled. I always put it back. Tried to anyway.

One day i was chasing this garter snake around a tree we had out front, and liek an idiot i grabbed it by the tail. It didnt like that one bit, and whipped right around and bit me on the nose. Latched on, and i was running around screaming bloody murder with this 4 ft snake latched on to my noggin. My mom had to pry its mouth open, and it fell to the ground and slithered off into the woods, having left my nose bloody and my pride bent. Got made fun of in school the next day for having a snake hickey on my face.

I hear theres a school down in south florida on a seminole indian reservation where you can get a degree in alligator wresteling. Ide liek to do that before I die. Its only like 3 grand or something.

Ide love to wrestle an alligator as well, but i dont have insurance. C’est la vie.

Im going to catch a snake and take a picture of it. Even if i have to spend a few days in the bayou. Damnit!

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 3 Comments

Wish you were here…

As the sun sets…
on the beach of the gulf coast,
i cant help but think what it must be like to be anywhere else in the world but here.

Why havent we invented teleportation yet?
Why must I wade in this warm choppy surf without you beside me?

You love the beach as much as I do.
Youre always talking about it.

You tell me you cant live without a beach nearby.

I imagine chasing the seagulls
as you run after me smiling and soaking up the warm sun.

But you are not on this glorious beach with me,
you are 3000 miles away right now.

And i am sad.

Nothing follows.

But maybe a hopeful smile,
that we may be together again soon.

p.s. Made you tilt your head, like a confused puppydog

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Somethings fishy at whole foods

Saw a fish oven mit at whole foods today, and wondered what he thinks about. All by himself. Only reason for creation is to protect the hands which are mercilessly shoved up his rear end to force him to clamp his little fishy mouth down on hot plates from the oven.

I wondered what my life as a fishy oven mit would be like had i been reincarnated as one myself. I wondered if this mit was a reincarnated person. Maybe he was famous, James Dean, John F Kenedy, James Brown, I wondered what someone had to do to deserve a reincarated life as a fihsy oven mit at whole foods, what kind of bad karma did he produce? Some things are worse than jail, some things are worse than death. Being reincarnated as a fishy oven mit at whole foods is about the bottom of the list ive come across so far. Then again, im sure there is something far worse, i just havent crossed its path yet.

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If I win the lottery

Im giving all my money in bens to street artists.




Some of the best entertainment in the world is born and raised on the streets, it is sang, danced, stretched, flaunted, flamebroiled, handcuffed, and made horse day after day and well into the night, for spare change form elusive onlookers. And I want to help these noble entrepreneuers thrust themselves into the limelight (the ones who want to anyway) and honestly i think all of them do. Even if they say they dont. They wouldnt be in front of a crowd if they didnt. So be kind to street performers, you are after all intrigued by them, and entertained by them, lulled into a trance by them, and we all see you stomping your feet to their rythms. Ide love to become one, but i need to do some more stretching first. So ill just donate some spare change for now, till i win the lottery.

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Pustules cleanse

theres something beautiful about popping pimples. Something refreshing like Christians enjoy baptism, I enjoy squeezing the dirt oil and grime from my body, and the empty holes it leaves behind can gasp for air once again. There is a rebirth, when my pores can see the light. There is a self awareness, when I look deep into my skin to find even the pustules which try and escape banishment from the sickle and hammer that is my thumb and forefinger.

I feel clean. I feel pain, but a good pain, a pain of suffering to create a new life. Like a phoenix is born from fire, I too must torch the old worn out and beat up for a new.

Unfortunately in every battle lives are lost. My pores are no exception. I have battle scars from relentless evils which harbored my body for themselves and i refused to let them win. In the end, we both lost. Just as in all fighting. Ironically, without fighting we would never know what we had to begin with. A necessary evil perhaps, but like anything else it can get out of hand, it can consume. Once you stop learning from your mistakes, you never make mistakes again. Course, youre life wont last much longer either, but who cares? If you are always right.

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Today i learned about corruption

Today I learned about corruption.

Today i learned about how contractors recruited illegal immigrants from mexico after hurricane katrina hit new orleans looking to rebuild homes for close to nothing at near 100% profits.

Today i learned about how the contractors made immigrants sign contracts but neglected to pay their travel fees.

Today i learned about how when they got here in new mexico there were hardly any jobs for them. Then when there were day labor jobs, the contractors would work the immigrants all day long, and not give them a check at the end of the day. Knowing good and well the immigrants were to scared to take the contractors to court for fear they would be deported.

 

Today i fed several immigrants free food and water i dived from grocery stores who tossed it because the packaging was damaged.

Today I met a lot of humble smiling faces. Who were looking for honest work for honest pay to feed honest families. Today i wish i was a millionaire. So i could lift these hard working people out of their holes and show them how to help themselves.

Today I started.

Have you?

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 1 Comment

Whole foods leaves me empty

Is whole foods just another half assed attempt to change the world gone awry? Do  they promote better healthy living through  selling self magazine, and only hiring organic looking people with dreads, or gagued earrings? Do they really encourage saving the planet by charging a fortune to sell products that should be selling like hot cakes around the world anyway? We know we dont need pesticides, we know we dont need growth hormones, we know we dont need anything extra genetically altered in the foods and products we consume, but why have we flocked to whole foods to save us with its marketing schemes and monopolies squashing the local markets we used to venture out to in and produced by our own neigborhoods? Why are we not going after the conventional food industry to change its ways, and convert its mechanical food industry into all organic, and instead of only having whole foods or trader joes to purchase worthy foods from we could have a whole society based off of these better living ideas?America is lazy. Intelectuals are lazy. The 60’s are over 50 years out the window, and people just dont care to go out of their way liek they used to. Whole foods started out as a good idea, but has turned out to produce a generation of consumer contious empty pocketed self rightous democrats who fight from the comforts of their hemp covered couches while they watch rachel ray, and dream of another chai latte.

I do have to say, they are good for dumping a plate full of samples on me every time i go in one, i can get a free meal by taking a handfull of samples at each station, and walking out well fed. I say in silent protest we all eat up their samples, and nothing else.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 2 Comments

Death toll

Ive seen a lot of dead people so far in my life, so i decided to keep a toll.

One the other day, a mid 30’s white woman rammed her jeep into the back of a semi-truck’s trailer bed, her entire front end of the jeep was pushed through her abdomen, the cops hhadnt arrived yet, she was slouched and had a dead mans stare looking out the window at the pavement, some citizens were there directing traffic. Broad day light.

one old lady my mom was blowdrying her hair in a blow dryer chair, and my mom told me to sit on her lap, i did, and she didnt flinch, turns out she died under the blow dryer.

saw a girl and a guy get in a fight late one night in a big drinking town, the girl jumped on the guys back and he pushed her through a glass store front display, glass shattered, and sliced her jugular, like a modern day beheading,

when i was little my mom wanted to visit her faimly in ohio from florida with my sister and i, and we put an ad in a craigslist type free paper, and got a response form a 90yr old woman with a tuna boat cadalac or somethitng, big tanker of a car, anyway halfway back from ohio she keels over and dies drinking a strawberry milkshake in arbys, i lost my appitite for arbys food when i saw the paramedics pumping her stomach thinking she was choking, and it ozzed out of her crinkled old mouth

stumbled upon a crowd in the drinking town and found a man on the sidewalk black young male mid 20s his head was cracked open and part of his brain was on the sidewalk, he was cunvulsing and im sure was goinng to die before he made it to the hospital,

driving in the mountains with my dad, and faimly late one night him and i were the only ones still awake in a dense fog, in the anderondecs or shenedoahs or something liek that, and we watched a pair of taillights in front of us swerve and fall off the side of the mountain,

my father died of cancer when i was 8 years old, had 16 golf ball sized tumors all over his body at one point, and kemo did nothing but deteriorate his health at a faster rate.

im sure my streak with death isnt over by any means, im only 21, so check back often for more.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | 1 Comment

Does wal-mart breed bad parents or do bad parents fuel wal-mart?

I see more and more bad parents and in direct correlation i see more and more wal-marts. be it statistically accurate or not, i begin to wonder if one is fueling the other. sure you can get everything you need at wal-mart for damn near nothing, but outside of halving to walk around the same aisles for two to three hours looking for one thing, and impulsively buying a bazillion others, therefore counterbalancing the money you could have saved by going someplace more quaint and homegrown, you dont get the soothing relief of catching the sites, such as the sunset of buildings that actually have some ethnic makeup to them as opposed to big green and blue square slapped with cheep stucco, and security cameras.

like a dog loves to excercise, both children and parents need excercise as well. You need to get out and live. Sure wal-mart is convenient and cheep, but it sucks you in and sucks your patience and wallet dry, with its aisles and aisles of bargans, and rows and rows of empty checkout lines where only one or two registers will be open and you have to wait for all the other screaming frustrated children and their parents to purchase all their useless shit to be hearded through the line.

Does this atmosphere breed bad parents and unresponsive children? Not directly. What it does provide is lots of frustration, and nowhere to release that tension. Like heat making people crabby, wal-mart makes people on edge.

There could also be a direct correlation between low income faimilies shopping at wal-mart to stretch their income a bit further, and already on edge consumers who live in delapitated faimily hom0es, who may have had children before they were prepared and became frustrated parents stressed to oblivion due to such grueling circumstances.

we live in an age where condoms are prevelent, but we all know they are in the way, we have abortion but the laws are strict, we have parents who shy away from the subject, and we have stores schools, and daycares, and tvs in the car popping up raise our children for us. So for that few hours we spend each day taking our children for walks down the aisles of wal-mart begging them not to put one more impulsive toy in the already bogged down broken cart, why shouldnt we hate the world for placing such burdens upon us? why shouldnt we take it out on our children we didnt want in the first place?

Seeing bad parents, abuse their children verbally in public is sadly entertaining. Like being amazed at the filth, and not able to look away, but feeling hopeless to correct the issues at hand as just a mere bystandard with no children of my own. What can i do about it?

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New Orleans stare

Went to a womans home today to pick up some donations for a church I was working at, the watermarks on her home were over my car. Her house was in shambles.

Her body was shaky, her nerves were shot, she had a million repairs to perform on her home, on her life, she was in debt, she was being ripped off every which way she turned for help, she had nothing, but what she had, she wanted to give to people less fortunate than her.

Her eyes told me of her infinate despair, coupled with rays of hope and aspiration of the promised land. even though her body  pushing through her work, and her brain may have been on the forfront, helping her pluck away at her chores, her eyes couldnt hide what her soul was feeling. Ive never seen the human spirit like that before, broken, battered, but still pressing onward, ever hopeful, and thankful even to just still be alive. What a beautiful world we live in.

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Is there good in all bad?

If there is good that spurs from bad, does that mean that all bad is good?

<P>In my daily routines, I have found that </P>
<P>in every light, there is dark, </P>
<P>in every night there is day, </P>
<P>with every storm there is calm</P>
<P>and with every joy there is pain.</P>
<P>This is unfortunately the ways of the world we live in, and many have discoverd this before me. I think the ancient ying yang theory says it best</P>
<P>there are no absolutes.</P>

If a tradigity for example 9-11 brings people together, and encourages good, does that make the bad event worth while to somebody? Does the appriciation of loved ones become greater when something horrible happens to them?? Is bad nessicary to create good? If it is, then what is the difference between the two? How do you differentiate between good and evil?

How do you know that doing something good for people, like donating time energy food supplies isnt destructive in that it makes those people reliant, and depressed that they have to take those things from you or they will not survive? If you can obscurely twist good into bad, and vice versa, do you really appriciate anything anymore?

What else is there to life? Once you stop seeing things as either good or bad, or both at the same time, do you just become indifferent? Perhaps i have become indifferent. How unfortunate is that?

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Live for the moment

Its a strange thing to grow old physically but not mentally. To gain wisdom but never act upon it. To live in the moment each day like it was your last, when everyone else around you is dead set on planning for the future, or making up for the past.

when you live for the moment, love is stronger, hate is more intense, depression flows like rain, and happyness is as abundant as air. Emotions are the brains way of communicating. We are animals. We are not supposed to dwel on things that happen. Or plan accordingly. Sure some animals such as ants bees and things, build for the future, prepare for the storm to come, but these are mundane creatures who never explore the possibilities of lust like the dolphin, or rage like the hippopotomus, these raw emotions not harvested only acted upon when triggered are more beautiful than any words can discribe.

why must then people hold back these feelings, repress something that occurs naturally inside each and every one of us. Why cant humans be more like children, and less like stiff worker bees. why does everyone around me think i need to see a shrink? Just because i live in the moment.

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3:10 to Yuma

yuma poster
never too impressed with movies these days, thanks to lack of plot, and nothing but strutting off stupid cg, and superstars, I walked in not expecting much out of 3:10 to Yuma. However, I was utterly astounded. There was little to no gore, nothing you wouldhave nightmares about anyway, little swearing, plenty of moral principles, a side with the rebal kindof movie, where you sit clenched fisted and grinding your teeth the whole way through. Not to ruin the ending for anyone looking to see this film, it was just refresshing to see an actual movie with some meat on it. It was a modern day spaghetti western, and I loved it. It was intense, and you had no idea where it was going to go, It came out of left feild, and to be honest, i think its the best film ive seen in a long time. I mean it was nothing special, and ill probaqbly never see it again, but it was a relief form box office blockbusters, it didnt need a punch line, or a band following, or tv spots, it just needed you to sit down and watch it. I had dreams of being a rebal cowboy last night, and i probably sized up my pillow in my sleep. You should go see this movie and appriciae good solid filmmaking.

two thumbs up. This film gives me hope for the future of filmaking. Someone needed to take film back to its roots.

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Sonic the Hedgehog visits New Jersey

Recently I had the uneasy pleasure to drive through new jersey in some good company of a guy named high Life, who was homeward bound to hike the lower half of the crisp clean appalachian trail. We both were rudely interupted in a discussion of the wonders of the rgreat outdoors of the apt, by buckets of sludgey brown acid rain bombarding my windsheild, and thats when it hit us. New Jersey was the future past and present of Corporate America. Not to sound like a tree hugging hippy or anything, but when we looked around and saw endless horrizons of oil refineries with their black smog stacks, and natrual gas burn offs with mile high flames bursitng out of rusted souless pipes, and my co-pilot pointed out Jersey is where 90% of the countries artificial flavoring comes from. I wondered if thats what countless american insides look like. From the polluted foods we eat, liquids we refresh our worn out decaying bodies with, to the air we fill our shreaking lungs with second after second. Is New Jersey with its seas of garbage dumps where NYC tosses its trash so it doesnt have to look at all the waste it produces, and its putrid urin drenched air, and grumbling inhabitants, the real america? Or is the Appalacian trail?

I was at the Mall of America the other day, and as i walked around the 5 or so miles of stores begging people to consume their worthless merchandise, i paid no attention to solicitors, but rather the customers aimelessly being pulled into these horrid sweat shops. These consumers were physically disabled, mangled, undefined, and no longer symetric, Literally. There must have been a gang of fetal alcohol syndrom children on a feild trip to this adventurous shopping complex. I was disgusted. Not with the distorted confused bodies of these children, but with new jersey. I couldnt help but think back to all that shit being pumped out of those midevil factories and into the enviornment. Chernobyl was a disastor yes, but it was a one time occurrance, Sure its effects linger today, but they are ever curroding with time. New Jersey on the other hand is still as vibrant as it probably was when Upton Sinclaire Wrote the Jungle.

sonic1
Perhaps sonic the hedgehog was trying to reach his teenage audiance in the mid 90’s when he traveled from appropriately the APT level (or emerald hill zone) sonic2 in sonic two where everything was crisp and clean and friendly, sonic3
to the New Jersey level appropriately titeled oil ocean zone which was filled with toxic waste barrels,sonic4 dangerous oil drains, sonic6 and an intense polluted skyline which appropriately mirrored New Jerseys own polluted skyline. I never put two and two together untill I saw those children at the Mall of America.

Is it worth it new jersey? Is it worth it America? After all money is nothing but a note, and means nothing to those children who no longer can live normal lives thanks to me and you.

sonic7

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Rainy Day

I was bored for the first time in a long time today, i dont know why, maybe im getting sick, im tired alot, i was having heat flashes, but all i wanted to do was lay down in my back seat and nap. It rained, a good rain, maybe thats why im so tired, like a cow, when they lay down you know, i was supposed to go diving with someone i met off of craigslist, but i doubt thats going to happen now, all i can do is lay here and stare at the raindrops hitting my back window, and watch for two raindrops to hit the exact same spot on the window.

I looked over and saw a squirrel sleeping the rain out on a tree branch next to me, and i knew how he felt. There isnt much for us scavengers to do in the rain but wait it out in shelter. Im hungry but what can i do about it when its raining, and staying dry is more important. Ill find food later i suppose. Even if all the dumpsters are going to be soaked. maybe ill beg for food. who knows. I suppose i should read a book or something.

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average day

nothing to interesting going on today, loafing around in minneapolis, applied for a job at a beet harvest in western minnesota, and am going to go to the mall of america in a few mins to look for food left out by sloppy patrons in the food court. Hopefully i can find an internet connection there, but who knows. Ive been sleeping pretty well in my car, its nice out now, but i got to move south soon before the cold of fall hits. I hope i get this beet harvest job, but its not looking to good. I need ot get my tags renewed, but im sure its gonna cost me a fortune, and im not looking forward to it. I dont have an address, so im not sure what state i should apply for a tag in. I guess florida.

I put an ad in craigslist last night asking anyone to let me use their shower, as i have been getting smelly, skateboarding in a free park all day, got some responses, but havent contacted any of them yet. On e was a creepy old man, two were college women, and another woman offered me tea and a shower. I think im going to put this ad in everywhere i go, and just see who i meet.

im kindof hungry, so i guess i better go over to the mall, i hope i dont make a mistake, which i do sometimes, and wind up going someplace looking for food, and cant get any there wasitng all my day looking for food, and starving. Sometimes you just cant find food, no matter how hard you try.

I took a shower in a sink in a handycap bathroom today, snuck in an underground tunnel below a college gym, ate some of my emergency rations which i hate doing, but when you cant find food anywhere else, what are you supposed to do? starve? im currently stealing internet from a bagle shop next door, powering up from an outlet in a bank lobby. its hard to find power, free wi-fi on the other hand is everywhere. but power is hard to come by.

the weather has been nice, mid 60’s and sunny, so im starting to get weary, as i know its going to suck soon. so im off to the mall of america, maybe i can get back online there.

end transmission

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Driving

I dont know what it is about the open road that is so romantic, then again, I suppose I do.
The lonelyness takes over,
the excitement drives you,
the oppertunities of a fresh start in a new place you have never been,
driving1
the anxieities,
the sunrises,
sunset
the sunsets,
the tunnels!
tunnel
I love the tunnels!
The scenery,
nyc drivinng
the isolation,
the connection when you smile at another driver
in the bubble they call a car in the lane next to you.
friends in the passinng lane

Drivinng is liberation at its finest.
It is as much a part of being free as anything in this world.
I represents change.
It represents moving forward, and never looking back.
It is unfortunately an integral part of being homeless,
constantly being on the move,
driving2
as you can only mooch on the same community for so long
before you have to find alternative shelter in another town.

Driving is birth,
death,
rebirth,
a cycle,
as the tires rotate,
like the key turns the ignition.
big truck

I love driving as much as i hate it,
openroad
and its something I hope I never have to be
more than an arms length from.
daydreaming about my car

When you get old they take your liscense,
penguin driver
getting old is dying before youre due date.
I never want to live past 45.
Im going to be eaten by a bear in the wilderness.
eaten by a bear
I got it all planned out.
That is… if there are any bears left by then.

Who is ready for a road trip?
oncar2

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John Brown inspired me, how about you?

Im sitting here at the base of the armory where john brown raided in Harper’s Ferry West Virginia. how do you explain the eery feeling of “can do” feeling you get from a place like this? Anyone can pretend to be a revolutionary, but when you are oppressed for so long so brutally, it can only be a matter of time before you too have to pick up the gun (be it physical or mental) and say you know what?ive had enough of this. I want something different, and i dont care how i am to get it.

what must it have felt like to know you were going up against the devil? What was running through John Browns mind, everyone who was with him, backing him, they all knew they would die, they all knew the stakes, they were out to change the world for their children, how must they have felt sneaking around those mountainns above Harpers Ferry? Sneaking around them myself I caught a glimpse of John Brown and his men, and chills ran down my spine.
caves around harpers ferry
sneaking around to descend upon harpers ferry
above harpers ferry
harpers ferry

strange as it may seem as unfashionable as i did pick up a book on john brown, not knowing who he was, i stumbled upon his turf in the same clumsy manor. But on both occassions i leave feeling inspired, like i can do anything. Who is your john brown?

p.s. thank you high life, (my latest hitchhiker) for inspiring me to hike the Appalachian trail, how ever you spell it. I promise i will follow in yours and countless others footsteps someday. There is no doubt in my mind. Anything is possible. Thanks again john brown.

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Comforting corporate america?

Is it strange that sometimes as much as i hate seeing the degradation of ours, and any other culture by these stagnate square, lacking aesthetic, super-centers which seem to spring up out of the ground like weeds, I also feel a sort of comfort knowing I can survive off of their waste?

As much as we hate them we cant seem to stay away form them. They are everywhere. Convenience, or magnetism due to lack of other choices?

Sure small businesses are dandy, but they dont produce nearly the waste these looming corporations can in such a short amount of time. My face lights up when i see a CVS or a K-mart because I know pretty much any day of the week, any time of the month i can find what i need from their trash.

In the same token, this is also gut wrenching news that we are producing this much waste, and I rarely see fellow scavengers diving this loot. So where is it all going you ask? Ide imagine your tap water knows better than you do. Maybe you should do some investigating. In all honesty i think it all goes to Jersey. That state smells like urine and trash. And it looks like it smells.

In the end, the entire planet is being consumed (no pun intended) by this subculture of conglomerates which suck dry any ethnic sincerity, and its a shame to see things turning into this monochrome state in all corners of the planet, but it puts a temporary smile on my face like the sting of a heroin needle. How do we rid ourselves of this drug? How do we ween ourselves off this consumerist society where we force ourselves to buy, to use, to trash things we dont need to survive? All i know is im hungry, and theres a CVS right around the corner.

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Unfortunately….

Some days being homeless and pennyless means you have to wander around to look for food. Some days are better than others, like the past week in boston i have had no trouble finding food. But today, it seemed no matter where i looked and how hard i tried i couldnt find hardly anything. Go figure. Some day sare liek that. On the days you find food easily, utilize the rest of your day wisely. On the days that you cant find food at all, best keep looking. Its out there, but sometimes its just harder to come by than others.

On a side note, i watched some fantastic charismatic street performers today who loved their job, and made a killing. probably more than you make in a day, these cats made in half an hour, and they really didnt do anything too hard. they were just very professional, and made lots of stay in school keep off drugs dont try thiis at home refferences. Alot depends on the crowd, but alot also depends on how you play off the crowd. Nobody likes being made the butt of a joke, so keep jokes clean, and encourage people with a big smile and you are bound to get paid way more for your performance no matter how good or bad you are at it. I want to start breakdancing for money, but i have to work on my game a bit more.

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The best thing about being jobless…

The best thing about being jobless is the idea that you have no place to be. You are free to wander at all hours of the day and night, anywhere you please. Have you ever drifted into a classical music audition before? Breathtaking. If you are interested check out any major school and wander into the music department. You can sit outside any number of musical instraments, and talents, and nobody cares that you are there. You can close your eyes and imagine anything the music makes you think of. And why not? Whats stopping you? Nothing. get a backpack and you look like a student. Bring a book, and pretend to be reading it. Anything that makes you feel more comfortable about incroaching on some of the finest musical talent there is.

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Urban exploring nightmare

So prancing around downtown boston tonight, all i could think about was how much i would really love to find an unopened soda. Coke would have been nice but any soda would have sufficed. Im not sure why, but i was just jonesing for a soda. Perhaps it was because all i have been finding lately is americanized pizza. Dumpstered pizza, meatball subs, that sort of thing. Itll make you crave a coke like you wouldnt believe.

Walking down up and around i notice a scaffolding where construction is being done on an old 4 story building. Hmm i say, as i decide it seems safe to hop up it and take a look around.

Once inside, i realized this was no ordinary house, it had several stories and nooks and cranies, and while i should have taken some pictures all i could think of was that s. king movie rose red.

i wandered downstairs thinking this is the stuff silly people tell you not to do from the audiance at b rate horror movie flicks, but i tell myslef this is real life, and there is nothing to worry about. The place is light up real nice with construction worker flood lights all over so i venture down to the basement. This place is a mansion, Gold boarders deep green wallpaper, fancy you know. High sealings, even in the basement. Huge bay windows, several kitchens, the works. I spot some blood on the floor. (yes blood.) liek someone cut their finger on the job and i follow the drip trail to a dead end. Now i think its time to head back upstairs. So i do, but i decide before i leave im going to look for a coke and a mini fridge. I stumble around to the left side of the house, and find an office, as i go to approach i hehar a voice. (aw shit! im caught! I could get charged with breaking and entering, and who knows what that will mean.)

Fortunately the man thinks he is hearing a ghost, after all its like 130 in the am. so i quietly hid behind the nearest door to scope out the danger. Figures im trapped. Hes almost right in front of me. I can hear him talking about how he thinks he just heard a ghost, and he seems kindof nervous, and is mumbling really creepy like, but i have to do something. do i wait for a while and hope he goes to sleep or do i make a run for it, and hope i dont get caught or break a leg on the uneven floor. Shit. what to do what to do. i decide ill creep past him, then split the place.

i try it. creeeek goes the floorboards, by now my heart is racing a mile a min. forget having a coke, i just want to get out of there! so i just walk on past like nothing suspicious, and i make it back out to the scafolding, safe and sound, i jump off it onto the pavement, and walk on down the street thankful i wasnt sent to jail.

and what do you know starbucks has left me a bag of goodies, some cookies. I deserve it. I dont know for what, but what the hell. I deserve it.

dont try this at home kids.

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Higher Education

So we all know. its been preached down our throuats form birth. “In order to get a good job you must have some form of higher education under your belt” “higher education will provide your faimly with food on the table and a nice house to live in” “the only way to be somebody, is through higher education” and for those of us who think, we know its a load of crap.

The higher education system is a buisness. A rather profitable one at that.97% of all the crap you are forced to learn about, (higher level science, literature analysis, and so on is meaningless, and other than the fact that if you become a leading expert in BS you cant make a living off of this stuff. Well, i suppose oyu could, but if there were a nuclear hollocost and all technology was destroyed, and people had to fend for themselves, how long would these people who devote their lives to researching molecular enginering be able to survive?

As i was strolling through harvard yard last night on a bike, a security cop stoped me and told me to walk it. At 1:30am on a friday night there was no-one but a few dumb rich harvard kids far off in the distance carrying a couple of pizzas and beer back to their high end dorm rooms, and he told me I had to walk my bike because he didnt want any accidents. Really he didnt want the lawsuit that would ensue and deduct some precious income from one of the most expensive universities in the nation.

The strange thing is, the week before, along the same path in harvard yard, i stumbled upon a homeless young black woman cuddeling her 5 year old sleeping son, weary and observant, huddled up against one of the many vaccent buildings along the yard owned by the schoo, not being used for anything but asthetics, and higher level academia. Why couldnt this woman enter the building, and use it for what it should have been constructed for? protection from the elements. Oh yeah, because she didnt pay thousands of dollars to learn meaningless BS that wouldnt keep her alive any longer than her current situation outside of that campus.

Its interesting to note, the world famous leftist nom chompsky works for harvard. One of my friends told me hes very approachable, and loves talking to students. But i wonder what is one of the leading extreame liberals doing teaching at such a prestigious school where just about nobody can get in outside of predominately rich white collar old money faimlies? If i had met chompsky, i would have only had that question to ask him. And i hope his answer would have been for the money, because I dont know any other reason that would have quenched my thirst on the matter.

If Nom Chompsky can teach at harvard, why cant he teach on the side of the street? Wouldnt that be more approachable to the people hes claiming to be working for

We have all seen the beauty of america at work, where someone with no educational background goes form scum to a millionare with nothing more than good people skills, and an attractive idea that does something useful for the people they are in buisness to serve. Why then must we believe higher education and all its stress through endless bills, and binge drinking and social interaction through disguised public interest groups a.k.a. greek frats should be the key to our lives?

Why are there more people in debt today than ever before? Why dont we have more social interaction and sex education and drug education classes shoot more drivers ed classes would be nice. But do away with this menial crap that has nothing to do with living. At least get rid of the entire freshman year. Even though we all know thats where you make the majority of your money. It is worthless.

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life is merely an everlasting series of cyclic volutions…

In a lengthy discussion with a friend today over a gluttonous dinner at an all you can eat casino buffet, we determined life is mearly a cecession of repeating volutions…
evolution, revolution, devolution, and back to evolution again.

for example, this current world has evolved from pond scum to its present modern day society through revolutions in science sociology and nature, and is currently in the process of devolution through destruction of life sustaining raw materials. Once this devolution occurs life will have to be rebuilt from pond scum scratch once again. Tis a process of the volutions.

the universe has been speculated to being connected through molicules, which have to remain attached in order to function at all as anything and therefore it has been theorized that the universe is the same as a giant elastic band stretching to its tipping point in which some day it will tip and implode upon itsself creatinng the devolutionary process of rebirth by crushing itsself into a giant bomb which will explode upon formation to recreate the universe once again startinng over within the evolutionary process.

if this is true, it is possibel that the universe has big banged several times already and that there has been numerous life sustaining formations created and destroyed in the process.

makes me wonder if dejavu is in fact just the cognic rememberance of previous cycles of life rather than irrational misfires in the brain.

if these cycles, for lack of a better term, have been occurring continuously for all eternity, whos to say life isnt merely the sustainment of molecular energy by biomatter? and that reincarnation is actually occurring every second of every day? it may not be the utopian reincarnation we are led to believe in church and school, but none the less it is the transfer of molecular energy within the biomatter atmosphere.

so for example, a person dies, their molecular life sustaining energy decomposes and becomes fertile soil transfering into say a tree within which the tree uses that energy to grow, and produce fuel for another human in the form of a fruit, which in turn becomes a part of that human who will also in turn die and become decaying energy for a new tree. its logically plausable is it not?

to be continued….

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free organic greece

scored a 15$ 5 star 3 course meal at a fancy shmancy greek place tonight, by asking the owner if he could use some kitchen help for a plate of food. He got all smilly and told me to take his best seat, and he treated me to the above, no work involved. He was so happy to be helping someone in need, i think his mouth touched his earlobes. Go figure. I stuffed my face and had enough left over for a second meal tomorrow.

There was an organic consumers convention in baltimore a few months ago, you had to own an organic-friendly buisness, and pay 300 bucks for a stupid electronic pass to get into the thing. So i waited around in the lobby for an hour or two and sure enough someone set their badge down on a table and walked off. So i took it. I just walked right past security as they happily swiped it, and let me in.

Once inside, the first table i went to saw the name on my tag, and questioned if i was really bob or dan or whatever his name was. They said i should have been a little older. Same thing at the next table. Turns out i had swipped a badge of a 65ish year old man who was the founder of a whole foods like market on the west coast. He was one of the biggest names at the convention. Which i found out form a rad girl my age who worked for seventh generation. (whom im in love with now, but i fall in love to easy) So from then on out i just told people i was his grandson, and he told me to try out their products. To see if he would carry them in his store. Thats when i got wayy more free stuff. It pays to be related to a celebrity.

I got soo much free stuff i couldnt stand up. I met all the wonderufl people who created the products all us organic consumers love to death, even met dave and berry the creators of honest tea, the best bottled tea on the planet. I told them i thought so, and they gave me a bunch of free tea, and a high five!

when i left, i gave my badge to a group of bike messengers and told them to say they were his other son. I hope they went back. All that free stuff was going to be tossed out. Go figure.

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Fellow men and women

I stumbled upon another man living in his car last night, he was sound asleep with a smile on his face, and i knew that he was proud of the fact this small ton of steal real estate was all he needed to be happy. Later i trucked through a small commune of drug intoxicated homeless people baking on some train tracks near where i parked. They were disgruntled, and looked like they were going crazy. There are two types of homeless. Those who choose to be, and those who become due to outside forces they either can or cannot control. but i suppose there are those same type of home dwelling people. Which one are you?

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