I used to believe my body was my temple, i was protecting it against the evils of the world, i never ( and still have not, save a few slip ups) poured, inhailed, or ingested, intoxicating or inebriating substances into my temple. I didnt lose my virginity until I was 21. I had never really had a real girlfriend until then (i guess a real girlfriend constitutes some sort of sexual relationship). The girl who “stole” my virginity was uber aggressive, and we met via the internet, where subsequently i would later meet all the girls ive let into my life. (when you dont drink, smoke, do drugs, or enjoy the highly sexual nature of clubs what business do you have at them?) Therefore internet dating became the norm.
I always knew i was insecure. Im not entirely sure where it manifested from. Maybe my homelife, My family was never very physically affectionate, my father died when i was 8, and my new step dads were really very standoffish as are most step parents, since they didnt actually give birth to you, they are skeptical, and weary of giving the wrong impression, or something like that.
I soon found out, the internet provided a safe haven for the shy, the meek, the straight edge of age, and above all the insecure. There is no real fear of rejection via the internet, there are so many fish in the digital sea that if someone doesnt return your emails, there are a billion more that might. You can be “available for chat” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and there is never a face to face social let down. In other words, you will never have to fear being humiliated in front of your friends, or the general public ever again. Its perfect! Why wouldnt anyone not want to try internet dating? Course friends and family are still very judgemental of meeting people online. The news still tries to portray it in the negative light it received in the days of aol chatrooms where perverts, pedophiles, rapists, and gasp, murderers. Which i suppose they are still there lurking. Peoples deepest darkest desires bubble up via the impersonal 1’s and 0’s of the internet. You dont have to hold back because there is no fear of rejection and maybe, just maybe someone will say yes. Even then, you dont have to follow through if you dont want to. its not always meeting up in person that really matters or is even the desired end resolution.
Thats the stage I am at now. I “meet” people online and write them some of the strangest things, things i dont believe myself. things i could never say in person. just to see what “could” happen.What I realized was that playing this courting game was doing nothing but attempting to boost my underinflated ego. I was becoming a narcissist, people were becoming les and less human, and more and more like the number count on someones facebook friends list. The individual means nothing. The number count of how many women i could get to contact me back became the goal. With no intention of ever meeting most of them in person. Because i was sidestepping the self esteem boosting, i was merely “alleviating the symptoms” of anxiety, and low self esteem. Persuing the fairer sex via the internet has become my new drug of choice. Strange, I never once wanted to try drugs, of any kind, and here i sit day after day, laying in bed, searching craigslist casual encounters section begging women to contact me. and when they do…. i refuse to meet them because i am ashamed of what i have become.
One day I stopped to reflect upon these actions. This online persona was taking up too much of my time. I wasnt getting anything done, I was no longer in the shape that the women i was contacting were looking for. I had been intimate with so many women in real life i had met via the internet i had felt disgusting. Dirty. Like used goods. Like no respectable woman would ever want to be with me again. My body has fallen into dismay, who knows what diseases i have, i cant bare going to the clinic to find out, i just self inspect. Who knows if i have illegitimate children someplace. Who knows anything anymore. In my efforts to boost my self esteem, and that of other women i found i just kept making the same mistakes. I let my insecurities get in the way of opening my heart up, and i always blame the girl for things she has yet to prove me right about. I ruin other peoples insecurities like a junkie ruins his friends and families lives.
I used to believe in the beginning, and I still do to some effect, that by being that romantic, that gentleman, that knight in shining armor women are looking for, that perfect boyfriend, i can change the world one broken woman at a time. the problem is…. eventually i burn out, i can only act the part for so long until the women do something, say something, or give up freely some piece of their history i cant stomach, and i start getting anxieties, and i lose myself in pessimistic thought, My dr jeckle turns into mr hyde. and well…. any hope for changing her self esteem level goes the way of the buffalo.
I want out of this cycle. I want to get my life back. I want to do things for me again. I want to get off the fucking internet, and meet women in public again. I want to build up my courage, my self esteem, my stamina. I want to stop producing mind garbage. but how do i free myself of the internet in an age where EVERYONE is online and thats generally the only way to get a hold of them? How do i venture back in time to a place where the revolution took place in fields, and parks, and streams? How do I unplug both myself, and my future soul mate?
In the same way a hooker has to drop her form of income after her body is tired exhausted worn out beaten and disgusting, how do i find love again? I am calling from the sexual gutter. Is anyone listening? Would anyone take my extended hand or would they all just walk the other way?