Monthly Archives: July 2009

Downtime kills

I have been super busy, so much so I havent even had time to breath,

let alone think.

but here i am, terms over,

projects are finished, and

i am looking you up on fucking google.

asking for closure, which you gave me. a long time ago.

i love you. I wasnt ever lying.

oh sure, i had times where i thought you were out to get me, and i was anoyed by you, and i couldnt fucking stand to be around you. but at the end of the day, i still fucking loved you.

i miss you. i always missed you. we could spend an eternity together, and the moment you left my side, i would feel deserted again.

i guess people call that being needy. and i suppose it is. and i can understand how it could eb draining. i needed to get away from you. i needed to breath, i needed to get my life back on track, and here it is, im making movies, and busy as hell on film projects, in film school, doing what i always wanted to do, but it feels like something is missing.

that something is you,

i miss having you bitch at me, i miss having you dump your days problems in my lap, i miss being able to dump my frustrations in yours, and then we both make out, and curl up together falling asleep feeling better that someone understands our pain. that someone wants to bethere right next to us through it all, and someone just plain loves us, no matter how ugly, gross, or smelly we get.

life goes on.

and i fear it will go on without you, for a very long time.

but thats the choice that was decided upon, and thats the choice that was officially made.

i might as well forget, like i do everything else, except this time my mind is as sharp on the subject matter as if it were happening this evening.

not much i can do, but go get distracted again.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Leave a comment

Life is rushing full speed…

I  guess I have always been a night owl, or maybe just an afternoon to say 11:30pm owl, but im generally lying awake in bed, lights out till much later than that.

Recently, it’s because I have so many ideas. The artist embeded within me, from some anchient time, reincarnated, keep s me awake, my body, and my functioning brain are to grogy to do anything about these ideas, save for the few moments I get up, turn the light on my computer screen, and type something.

type. TYPE TYPE TYPE. I feel like im always tying. Always dreaming. rarely ever doing. I just had to chose a profession in film didnt i? being an eternal hermit, i had to chose an artform which takes most of the time, several people to create magnificent pieces.

Dont get me wrong, i try my damndest to get people involved. but nobody ever bites. everyone is lazy. or self centered. or in it for the money and the glory. its rare i ever find someone in art for the expression it brings anymore. People have myspace, and facebook for expression. smily icons for expression. who needs film?

at any rate, for the first tim ein my life since say oh, 12th grade when lowenstein took the tv club to another high school to show us off, have i felt like my path is back on track again.

in film school. around dozens of macintosh computers, final cut, photoshop, and after effects installed and at my fingertips, freelance jobs comming in like rain in an open window, more ideas than ink in the pen to write them down with,my mind will not let me sleep.

I miss all my past girlfriends. I love each of them dearly, and wish some of them would respond to my emails. Well, one in perticular. but she wont. ah well. love only gets in the way of dreams.

unless you dream about love.

at any rate,

here i sit, my mind in far off places, everywhere but where it should be, asleep.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Leave a comment

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