The weekends

I hate the weekends, my mind is full of empty nostalga, my body full of caffinne, and my bed empty with things im sure to regret when i wake up from this dream. Already this weekend, i have tried to re-establish contact with most of my past ex’s if not re-establish, I checked up on them through the internet which i blame mostly for my insomnia. I have watched mary poppins, played video games, eaten several more pounds, gained weight I will not burn off, spent money I dont have to spend, accomplished little, wasted more than my share, and its only  friday night! I hate living in solitude, but I equally hate living with other people, i get anxiety attacks, i become bipolar, i wish i were living in my car on the road again, but im getting to old for that shit. I dont want to be homeless. I dont know what I want any more, but what i do know is i want something to keep my mind occupied. I want this fucking weekend to be over. I want the month to be over. I want to stop wasting time, waiting for the next big event to happen in  my life. I want to be moved in to my apartment already> I want to stop fucking around with pre-reqs. I want to have one good friend, to hang out with on a regular basis, ide prefer a girl, but the ones i would get along with, are pre-occupied with all the other guys that are in love with them. And guy friends I am not attracted to, and am in no way interested in in that way. Fuck, life is really random. I hate fucking waiting, i feel like an old lady in a nursing home. I saw myself in a mirror for the first time in a while today, i look like shit, no wonder you saidwhat you said about me nina, you were right. Its so fucking hot in florida, i miss the summer on the lake in minnesota, I miss camp. Of course i was to old for camp also. But i miss hanging out up there. i miss adam, as much as i hated him. he was a good friend. i fucking cant stand being alone. i cant stand living in orange city, i cant stand myself at times like this. i dont regret trying to contact you melissa, but i have to admit, the penny didnt land on heads the first time when i was using it to make my decision. Why is gas so expensive? why is the weekend just short enough to prevent a road trip, and just long enopugh to make me want to take one? why is the internet so prevelent, why is it so easy to find all of you women that have changed my life , and yet so fucking hard to make myself realize talking to you through a google search isnt really talking to you at all is it? im weak on the weekends, they should have named them weakends, dont you think? I even tried to visit my tv teacher at high school, walke dright up like i was still in school there, felt like it, but im not, and the kids dont see me as a student, i look like an old man, with grey hairs and all, yet i still dress in the same clothes i wore to high school. is this a mid life crisis? i know where i want to be in the future, i have known since i met lowenstein, in 10th grade, i wanted to be a tv production teacher in high school. i have made poor choices, and have half assed my way around and now im on the right track, it seems all i am doing is fucking waiting. waiting out the calm for the storm, waiting out my weekends, in solitude, an hour away from my new friends, whom i dont even really know yet. because outside of school i cant hang out with them, cause i live so fucking far away. and even then. everyone drinks, and parties, such activities i dont want to partake in. i like being different, but sometimes i want nothing more than to fit in. where do i draw the line? i need sleep, and you (internet) wont let me. you wake me when my eyes get heavy, and i find something new and exciting on you and wake right up again. fuck.

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Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Leave a comment

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