I love you. Thats why I had to let you go. Those familiar words mechanically chime in for the n-teenth time, as true as the last time i spit them out.
“Its not your fault, its mine.” as i hang up the phone, of course Cosmo would deject assuming this means it really is her fault, but in this case it means…. I could no longer take the anxieties bestowed upon me. The worrying I would be dumped either in the near future or the distant for someone who held some common interest with you I did not. Some common ground, some sport, some knowledge, some passion, some opinion, anything that connected you with them over me. i felt inadequate, and this self belittlement drove me to hate you. to hate myself for not being that person, with their pitiful little privilege i just couldnt fathom, i just couldnt grasp, i just couldnt believe, i just couldnt partake in. and it all makes me want to fucking vomit even now thinking about it.
I tried so fucking hard to give you everything i was told women want, need, desire, and still, i found i didnt give enough, i found you enjoying the company of another even for a milisecond and it made me feel like all that time, energy and devotion was meaningless. this is the rational that takes place in the mind of a lunitic. its not rational at all. i devote myself to you right off the bat, and i expect you to do the same, and when i find out you have other interests, other friends, other people you share your daily secrets with i feel second rate, i feel used, like a fucking whore, and it drives me to loathe you. which once i snap out of it, after i forget what i was upset about, thanks to a blessed short term memory issue (i think brought about by being dropped on my head on numerous occasions when i was little) im ok again, and i love you whole heartedly like i did the first day i met you. Except my irish temper, (explosive, and short fused) and german vendetta (thanks dad) creep in after every installment of self doubt, and self mutilation, brought about by these often times rational confrontations between my heart and my brain which distorts situations im uncomfortable with to be something socially unacceptable, and therefore unacceptable by my standards.
I dont go out, i dont drink, i dont party, i dont smoke, i dont do drugs, i dont go having sex with people im not in a serious relationship with, if i have sex with someone its because im planing on having a long term relationship with them. and if it happens right off the bat, like with you, its because they are pushy. I do my best to keep my pants on. (untill im comfortably well into the relationship with the person, or they have broken the ice and took them off for me at some point, i figure after that, ive silently been granted the ok from the party.
i am quirky, painfully shy, and typically socially awkward, i find it nearly impossible to look another woman in the face until ive gotten to know her very well, and feel she has opened up to me enough to where i wouldnt feel like a creep by doing so. (this has always been a nagging constant on my mind with women, i always fear they think im a creep of some sorts, for no reason, i dont spy on them or some weird shit like that, i just am so fucking afraid of rejection, i avoid conversing all together.) ((this is why i love amelie so much, she is just like me in these character traits.))
when i meet someone new, if they initiate contact, i great weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and i will go out of my way to thank them for it, not directly, but indirectly, as in i will make them feel like they are the most special person i have ever met. Im good at this too. sometimes it gets me into trouble, because i take it to the extreme, in so much that when flags arrise later on, they think im lying when i tell them i dont feel as they do anymore.
flags go up when….. any of the following occur.
I catch them in the act, or hear them casually talk about ;
drug use, being drunk or even just drinking in general, having straight opposite sex friends, being bi-sexual, or obsessing over a subject, activity or person i have little or no experience with, and no desire to learn. these things make me feel (in order)
(drug use) scared i might get busted if they get caught for being an accomplice or whatever the term is and afraid it might affect any children we may have in the future i mean shit i never partook, so if the kid comes out with down syndrome it wasnt my bad choices that caused it, why would i want to risk passing on my bad choices to my children, why should they have to suffer because i felt the urge to get fucked up? thats whats really fucked up. i want to give my children the best possible chance of coming out healthy and in mint condition…..(drinking) some of the same reasons as above, and then some, i am going to do my best to always be in full control of my actions, i am not interested in allowing a forign substance to manipulate me in any way, or impair me in any way, i make enough mistakes as it is. and alcohol of all things, it fucking tastes like shit 90% of the time, and it makes people obnoxious, stupid, and “open up” in situations their own anxieties would have previously impaired them to, well fuck if you wouldnt have partaked in some activity or conversation if you were sober, why would you fucking want to do it fucked up? i never understood that philosophy. i fucking hate more than anything when people who are drinking do their best to coax me into drinking with them, i assume because they realize they are doing nothing good, wasting money, and looking like asses, and feel like shit about it when im standing there sober and being a buzzkill by not joining them. (having straight opposite sex friends) ha! i love this, its a much heated debate, well, my personal opinion is this, an attraction will occur the more you hang out with them, the more you share with them, the more you open up to them, the more you interact with them. and im not interested in being left to the wayside of other more interesting opposite sex straight friends. so if you have a bunch of them, chances are, you just got flagged. (bi-sexual) if you claim to be bisexual, first off, im going to call your bluff, and say you have more psychological issues at hand than figuring out which sexual organ you prefer to interact with. secondly, im going to feel even more anxiety, because not only do i have to defend my significant other from people of my sex, but now i have to defend them from people of the opposite sex as well, so now, im not fighting 50% of the population, im fighting 100% of the population, fuck that shit, thats too much stress and im not going to deal with it. No im not interested in a threesome, and no im not interested in men, i want the person i share myself with to give me the same respect i give them, and only share themselves with me as well. (obsessing over a subject, activity or person i have little or no experience with, and no desire to learn) having seperate interests is expected, its healthy, this is the least of my worries, this is usually the tip of the ice berg. this comes after one or more other flags listed above comes to light. i combine one or more of the other flags with this one and blow it out of proportion, this is where i spin out of control. and this is generally where i justify breaking up.(oh and did i mention cheating, cause thats an almost immediate grounds for breakup, its almost impossible to come back from that in fact i think it is probably impossible to come back 100% from that, not saying a relationship isnt possible after, just that trust is never fully regained, and therefore the relationship is destined to never be what it w=once was or acheieve maximum potential.
All in all, after everything is said and fought over, i have no regrets. I have loved you with all of my heart, and gave our relationship my best shot time and time again, and even after one or more flags were raised, i tried again and again. I used all different methods, i tried to erase things, i tried to change habits, to work around them, to offer you suggestions, to talk it out, counceling (officially once, it was expensive, so i resorted to online counceling and from friends and family) but the flags just hid for a while and sprung up again. So here we are. both of us in love with the other, but unfortunately not compatible, (even if you seem to think so) if im not happy, how can we ever be happy together?
some day i will find my amelie, and life will be better, not perfect but better. she wont raise a flag until long after we have been together long enough to overcome it, and i will treat her as i have treated you from the beginning, like the best thing that has ever happened to me. and you were. dont ever think anything different. but things change, people change situations change and things come to light we just can not avoid. i have no regrets, except that im not sleeping next to you tonight, hopefully tomorrow i will feel better about this, but tonight it fucking sucks.