I havent written in a while, perhapps due to there not being much interesting happening in my life to write about. daily life has become mundane, and not very productive. when at work, i have become a slave to the grind like most minimum wage workers, and more or less a zombie. when at home, i am usually too tired to do anything extra curicular.
No new loves in my life, no new passions, in fact the only thing new at all is a close up picture of audrey hepburn i got for about 66 cents from work. she stares at me when i grab something out of the fridge. and i dont know if i like it. she’s gonna make me go on a diet. but she sure is good looking.
however in the past two days several fragments of thought have crossed the dusty plains of my mind. since they are not complete thoughts i figured i needed to get them out someplace, and what better place than an online blog?
first off, getting older sucks. thanks army for ruining my knees. they are starting to bother me more often, and not having any sort of insurance, my bones, and my teeth are starting to need attention, but i cant afford to give them propper care. same goes with my car. i guess this is the real world. for people without degrees. paycheck to paycheck, and no credit. its not the happiest of life paths, but here i am at 25 working part time and dumpster diving to eat. without diving i dont know what i would do.
i had a dream last night about two people i dont know. two guys, one was retarded. they were best friends, the problem was, the retarded guy never grew up in his mind past say 12, and the other guy had to deal with life. the retarded guy somehow managed to always mess things up and get in the way of the other guys life, causing his wife to divorce him, him to lose his home to fire, etc. but the retarded guy just didnt know any better, and was always very sorry, i woke up crying. it was a really halmark esque dream, and i felt bad for the normal guy, and the retarded guy, it was like whats eating gilbert grape. but a bit different.
i fucking hat ethe fact that most people i meet have to rely on some sort of substance in order to cope with social situations. they feel without the social use of drugs or drinks they are not welcome in social situations or something. its really disapointing. when i find a new friend, i learn they are highly influenced by these mind altering substances, mostly due to peer pressure, and it sadens me. and repells me from them. its offensive to me that people feel they can not interact with me fully aware of everything. they need superficial confidence through slight intoxication, or some sort of high, to partake. I dont, never have, never had a desire, never will. So i dont see why they feel compelled to.
i have been thinking a lot about my exes lately.
i know some of them might read this, so i better list names this time around so there is no confusion.
melissa y, its been a LONG time since we have even talked, and im sure you will never speak to me again, i like to hope its because you have found the love of your life, and just are no longer interested in anyone else. i should just record my self appologising and play it back for everyone i have ever met once daily until they die. had i known and experienced what i have since then, at the time we were dating, things would have turned out much different. but i didnt, and they turned ou tthis way. i still love you. and think about you often. Its hard to forget your first. and i hope i never do.
melissa l, we had some good times, and you taught me apparently contrary to popular modern belief guys naked bodies are just as attractive as gals, thanks for doing your best to make me feel attractive. Im as hetero as they come, so i still dont see it, but none the less, i always feared i swayed you twards your political stance, and that always bothered me, because i didnt want to create an opinion in my sig other, i had hoped it would be there. I seem to have toned down a bit since we last spoke, funny my horoscope said that would happen, im curious where you are at these days politically, maybe someday we can speak as nothing more than friends.
renee, the inevitably tradgic love of my life. sometimes i think crossed my path early, before either of us knew we were soulmates. before either of us knew how to keep a solid monogomus relationship. instantly in love, inseperable even by several state lines, it was a fucking rollercoaster. hard not to enjoy and be afraid of at the same time. i love you to death renee, you will always be the love of my life, but at the same time i dont regret leaving. I can no longer talk to you. period. Even if i want to, even if i long to see your beautiful face again, you are not the same renee i fell in love with. Im in love with the renee in your green book. so i guess in theory, im in love with a fictional charicter. one i sort of created. life is so random isnt it?
Brittany h, its hard not to call you gnails. I heard you have a boyfriend now. good. do me a favor, and abstain from any sort of sexual relation with him as long as possible, you have so much more to offer, i know because you are young you think that is the way to a mans heart, but thats quite the opposite. just a tip. anyway, i miss you, i hope you dont miss me,
nina, you are by far the most attractive woman i have ever even been friends with let alone in a relationship with. you are im sure going to be the best girlfriend i have ever or will ever have in the future. if it wernt for that messy little thing that was the reason for our breakup known asfailure to communicate, maybe we would still be together. but i was kindof sleezy as you put it, and maybe you eventually realized i was right, you were better off without me. ive been debating whether or not to give you your key back, but i figured you made it with me in mind, and since its really just a physical figure of speech, i think ill keep it. besides, you told me not to contact you. funny, most my relationshits end up in that fashion.
im looking forward to getting into a real school in june, thanks mostlyto a guy i met on a recent student film set. i have high aspirations, as usual, i just hope not everyone at the school is on some sort of drug to “cope” it seems i picked the wrong industry for straight edge co-workers.
I still have trouble sleeping at night, but its becomming more infrequent. i hope to pick up surfing soon, when i save up enough money for a surfboard, and new tires, and rent, and this and that and blah blah blah…. everything cost money. at least im starting to either enjoy being here, or just coming to the realization i can no longer aford to travel like i did two years ago.
i feel secluded, i alienate myself from most people, i just get anoyed with them. the only people i meet that dont do drugs or drink are devoute christians, but their drug of choice is religion, and the more i read about religion the more i realize it was created by man to satisfy a yearning for something higher than everyday life. to justify pain and suffering and death. so its hard to feel compelled to be a religious freak, its just another drug. someday ill find a friend that doesnt nor has ever partaked, and we can be friends. until then i guess ill continue being a hermit.