ode to the letter X

There sure arnt many words in the english language that start with the letter x, but there sure are a lot of emotions tied up in it.

When we find ourselves in a situation reguarding an x quite a bit of interesting ideas emerge from within. We feel the huge loss in the form of an empty bed mold where said x used to comfort us at night, we find we tend to remember only the good after the bad is hacked up using the letter x, we want nothing more than to have one more night with said x, and sometimes we do, but things get weird dont they? because the letter x has a way of interrupting the normal flow of the language of love. after all, its sure tough to pronounce the word love with an x in the middle of it. I thought i was calloused to the letter x, i thought if i were the honorary letter x messanger, i could avoid being the recipient of the effects of the letter, but this is untrue, in fact the guilt of having to be such a messanger is compareable to plowing over an innocent child with your vehicle, even in good intentions people get destroyed, and on the giving side of the fence this is one time ide rather be the recipient. But this just wasnt so with you. I gave this dreadful letter, and i now sit in somber silence, curtains shut, lights out, darkness inside and out, and i feel these things above mentioned, and i want nothing more than to call you, and beg your forgiveness, and for you to come back into my shallow life, and lift me back to earth form this hell i brought forth upon both of us. but i know this is not black and white, and i love you, and i cant plow over your inner child again, it kills both of us a little more each time. so what have i learned?

well… lets see….

reneezy: i learned i have much more in common with you than i origionally thought, and in fact the same imorality you posess i left you for, i too have found is a trademark of my soul, and the irony is i now understand why you do these things which i dispise so very much, i fucking love you to death, and will never find another soul so intune with my own, but we both are not loyal enough (and its not nessicarily our fault) to hold a steady relationship. so here we are, x marks our spot, my heart breaks for you, tough love, and there isnt much i can say i havent already written about you, to you, for you, you are the love of my life, and i will be lucky to find another of half your worth to me.

melibeli: ohhh how ironic as well, i should quote you years later of how men and women who share intimacy with one another, never ever release those endorphins for one another to the point where a stickly plutonic relationship can exist between the two. the human heart rips and tears, and scars up, but will never forget. This unfortunate event keeps us form conversing, and this is aweful, because we share many of the same interests, be it due to your imersion in my culture durring our relationship, or you just having roughly the same path laid out in front of you. You may be small, but you are strong, and have resisted my spell on several occasions, where i could not resist yours. Thank you for your strength, and i wish you the love you sought in me elsewhere soon, if you havent found it already.

penguin the pumpkin: you may never speak to me again, and thats fair, as i said and did some horrible things to you, you were my first, and i thought i was going to marry you, oh but fate sure led us down a different path, i etched a place for you in my soul, like you for me on that lonely green park bench so long ago. I have tried to contact you since then, but you wont have it, and its probably for the better. Boy have i seen some fucked up shit since then, and if i were as experienced as i am now, when i was with you, maybe things would be different, but that word maybe, it seems to follow the letter x doesnt it? and they never quite get together do they? i love you mysterious m, but ill never get to appologise enough for what i did. i learned form you that people can do some fucked up shit in their life, but we have to accept that as the past, and take things one day at a time, and look twards the future, because dwelling on the past is a fucking nightmare isnt it?

katie: getting married now eh? yet you are finally contacting me, complimenting me? sounds like you are going through the widthdrals brought upon by the letter x. You were my first love, my first kiss, my first heartbreak, and the reason i couldnt date again until i was 21, thats a record, 15-21, how many years is that? damn 6 of the best years of my life, wasted chasing you around, and now you want to chat, with a band on your finger? wow, the letter x sure is powerful.

niner: god you are gorgeous, i mean, fuckinng drop dead gorgeous, like impossible not to touch beautiful, this is why i fled. I just simply couldnt resist you, and even now, i cant look at any pictures. we became friends through intimacy, strange way isnt it? then, i needed breathing room, needed friend conversations, but you cant always have those type of conversations with the one you sleep with. well, long story you know already short, things just got weird, and i couldnt talk to you, but i couldnt keep my hands off you either, this is why i had to run over your inner child, i hate myself for it, and want you now, in my bed, helping me type this, but how can i ask that of you? you deserve better, like you hate to hear me say, and i have to suffer living with knowing someone else in this world will have your beauty to themselves, and i can no longer partake in it. I love you niner, you have felt it too, but it was a love that grew on me, wasnt there in the beginging, and has become not lust, but love like a companion, more than a life partner. again, i can never appologise enough. but i learned sometimes opening up to strangers is the only way to feel alive these days thanks to you and your beautiful dimples. you really are fucking gorgeous niner, i mean absolutely fucking gorgeous, never ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

there were flings inbetween, and all along the way, and some were important, but these are the holes in my heart thanks to the letter x, that can never be replaced, and i go to sleep a bit emptier thanks to them, if i can ever fall asleep these days.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Leave a comment

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