Monthly Archives: December 2008

I was done with you and ok about it

I shouldnt of let myself see you again. I should have bene an asshole and said no to pick you up, its always this way, im not sure why i thought this time would be different. Nothing happened. And thats good. a start in the right direction, a rarity for me. So many mixed emotions. Do i touch you, do i avoid you, do i not make eye contact? i try to avoid any contact at all, but thats impossible in a car. N wonder i was biting my nails, i can handle stress, i can handle pressure no problem, i can even handle being yelled at for long durrations of time, but driving an ex 40 mins down the highway makes me lose my mind. I love you, i enjoyed oyu in my life, and i was serious, we dont have much in common and it really sucks, but thats why i broke it off, because we are too distant, and i hated it. I hate being in the next seat over from you, and having to bite my nails to keep my hands off you, my mouth from your lips, but i had to do it. I have fallen for that trap two other times with the exact same outcome, and i dont forsee the future any different. Im sorry, but im going back into hiding again. This was too much for me. Please understand, i dont hate you, but when im around you i want you, but for the comfort you provide me, and thats the wrong reason. You deserve better than that. and im avoiding you so you can let me go as well. 

im sorry. my butterflies are turing back into catapillers.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Leave a comment

Alien fetus

Ive been thinking a lot lately about having kids. Im getting older, and although i dont have a steady job, i can provide enough. The problem is not having kids, its finding someone I want to share them with. I use to be a big flirt, i suppose i still am, running aorund doing my thang or whatever, but im looking to settle down, i want to go back to camp this summer, but of course a different one, thanks to mine going under, i love kids, they are too much fun,im still a kid at heart, but my body is starting to get older, and i cant run and play like i want to, i dont want to wait too long and not be able to chase my kids around the yard, catching snakes, jumping on trampolenes, taking swimming lessons, skateboarding, you know, 

i suppose i should have taken several different paths in my life so i would have had them already, but honestly its the path i chose that got me here, so at any rate, ill find what im looking for soon enough,

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Leave a comment

I gave you my all, what more do you want?

Sure things didnt work out, theres a reason for that. I didnt like being watched when I came over, feeling like i was always on stage, being referred to in the third person, addressed as if you were telling your imaginary friends about my while i was standing right in front of you. Sorry, but thats rather awkward. I thought it was funny at first, then I realized you were just being entertained by me. its funny though, now you want your entertainment back. Tupraware, movies, anything else you left here, ill give it all back, i have no problems giving you anything, i gave you everything, but i guess these things i forgot, but none the less, ill give them back, 

the only thing you cant have back, due to the fact i dont know how to give it back to you, is the last few months we had together. I learned a lot from you, about myself, and how to open up to people, even just working retail. And its doing me some good. 

I tried to love you, even felt it a few times, i did my best, i came back for you several times, but eventually i realized. 

Im sorry if i couldnt take being your diva anymore, im over it. I got out of theater because i hated repeating myself. I hated being the nights entertainment, and going home alone afterwords. 

All in all, i dont regret, whatever, chalk it up i suppose, yet another notch on my empty wall, my  shallow existance right? call me whatever you like, just dont call me again.

Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Leave a comment

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