You know i love you, you can deny it all day long, but at the end of the day you also know why im not with you. You ARE self involved. I treat you like a queen, and you come to expect nothing less. Well, you are not a queen, and i am not always in the mood to treat you as such. And on those days, you shit on me for not being your slave. Fair enough. I still love you. And i still consider you on the top, but im gone, and you are starting over. Good. Im glad. Im happy you can so easily pick up and move forward. By the way, not everything in here is about you. Im sorry if you think i spend my life writing about you. Cause i only spend a portion of it. And even then, most of that is because you pissed me off. And i used writing as an out. We ARE very alike you and I. We both express our frustrations through art. And violence, and crying, and isolated depression. We are each others drug. We create highs , then we fucking crash, then we are addicted to each other. I hate it. I fucking hate being addicted to you. You are my love, you hold my heart, my body, my soul, and even my mind at times, and it consumes me, to the point where i neglect myself. I fucking love you, and i hate what it does to me. I hate being vulnerable, weak, clueless, and i hate playing the veiled fool, and i hate that you have changed so fucking fast, you have turned around, you have been true to me, and i am still suffering from shit that ended ages ago. Why? WHy cant it be like it was when i was stupid? Why do i have to continue to suffer? fucking christ i love you to death, and i cant be with you because i make myself sick around you. You want to talk about torture? this is fucking torture, self imposed torture.
I did my fucking best, i tried so many times, im still fucking trying to change, to get over it, to love you with all my mind all the time as well, but i am weak, and i stab myself, in your name, and slide backwards in therapy.
I want to be with you. i want to love you like i did that first time we met, i want to be ignorant agian, to blindly trust, to boldy share, but i cant, and thats why i left. and thats why i think i should stay gone, we both deserve better, maybe someday i will change, and you will still want me, but i doubt it, as you even said, there are so many other guys that would give you what i gave you, that you can chose from. well, i hope you find your happyness,
in the meantime, im going back to school, im getting a job, im working on my future, and trying my fucking best to not think about this addiction of mine. Im making my life the most important one. No longer someone elses.