Another fucking morning without you

Im glad you had a happy holiday, i hope you got your costume together. I hope you had a party, and got some.

Im sorry i seemed to have wasted your time, but fuck you. I came back, for the unteenth time, trying to make it work, i forgave as much as i had it in me to forgive, but did you care? fuck no! You were just happy to have another dick in your life. The last one dumped you in new york, i hope he fucked you, and then dumped your ass, cause you sure made him a nice notebook, much better than the one you were making me. I also appriciate you stealing a good bit of ideas form the one I made you. You fucking pathetic waste of life. I hate you. But for some fucking insane reason, i love you and, here I am another fucking night without you, feeling like shit, and im not sure what feels more like shit, being dumped by you for any other guy that flirted with you when i wasnt at 150%, or being without you, the most amazing woman i have ever met, and by far the most perfect for me, except that one little fault. your self esteem.

I did my fucking best to boost it, as did ben or so i thought, maybe he didnt, who fucking knows, but this isnt about ben, its about you, we spent close to a year, and countless wars, and recoveries together, we traveled the country together, we fucking had some times didnt we? we should have a movie, you should be played by winona ryder,  with all her clepto twisted glory, and i by john cusack in high fidelity, except only the part of him that hates you then comes back to you, you are the cusack that constantly cheats on his girls, looking for something to satisfy your low self esteem issues at all times, cause your art has run dry, your job sucks, and you have no friends except guys who want to get in your pants, and you probably let them you are a habitual liar, and i fucking hated you for it. The more you felt like shit about yourself the more you did stupid shit, and the more you lied about it, and the more we both felt like shit creating our downward spiral.

you want to know why i left? i told you all over the place. but im sure it doesnt even matter to you now, cause im sure you already have someone else, good for you, but they will never make you as happy as i did, they will never love you like I do, and you may come to learn that someday, but i doubt it, cause youll never be alone long enough to think.

god, you fucking suck. maybe im being a woman, but i fucking love you, and you shit on me, and lied about it so many times why should i have trusted you? im sure karma will sort things out, but fuck, ide rather have you in my life than you get punished by some stupid faith driven force. i fucking love you to death, and i cant be with you. i cant fucking do it, and its tearing me apart inside, and to think you are living your life like nothing happened, like i mean nothing to you, fuck,  thanks for the beautiful blog about how you were upset, but the part about me fucking up your halloween was a nice touch that reminded me how little i ment to you. I was a filler in your vaccumme, and i got sucked up in it all.

some day ill give any bits of my heart i win back from you to someone new, and they will appriciate me like you should have, and maybe someday you will allow someone to love you for you, you are so fucking beautiful, especially now that youve gained weight, god, you are so fucking hot now, and i dont think you see it, but who knows what the hell goes on inside that twisted fucking head of yours, maybe its all just one big iphone, and nothing else.

whatever….

i like writing about this, it helps me feel better. it makes me feel ok that i got away.

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Categories: Ideology and epiphanies | Leave a comment

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