Monthly Archives: September 2008

holding on like a sticky note in the humidity

I love you, I honestly love you, i dream about you in my sleep, thats how embedded in my brain you have become. I want you. I desire you, your mind, your body, your company, you are the most attractive person to me in all the universe, and yet as you and I know we are not alone. There are more out there. There are more that I love, that you love, and, perhaps im being selfish holding on to you, all of you, for different reasons. For the same reasons. For the parts that I love, and not the parts I dont. I create one of you out of many. Is this selfish? If i treat the pieces equally? If I love your pieces whole heartedly, and devote my energy into each piece at 110%, will it create an atomic bomb? Are you loving me in pieces as well? If you were how would I feel about it? I havent had a chance to stop and think about that one yet. I know what it’s felt like to be a piece of the puzzle, and it sucks.

What the hell am I doing? It feels ok. It doesnt really feel wrong. I feel like im holding you up with damp sticky notes, trying to keep you there, even just barely, in case I need to use you for a quick note. 

On second thought, this doesnt feel real. Being so far away form you, communicating only through electronic mediums, even in close proximity, it doesnt feel real anymore. How do I not confuse the pieces? How do they not overlap at times? How has my life gone on this long, with so many different pieces, and never a full puzzle? Shit. Ide give anything just to see the fucking picture, 

On any given day, I love one piece more than another, but all in all, i love you all the same. 

Maybe some day Ill mix a chemical, and bond you all together, and have my fucking picture, until that day, ill keep burning up phone cards, and sleeping on bus lines, just like I lived 8 blocks away. 

I love you. I hope you find what youre looking for, even if its not from me. And I hope I make you feel amazing while you are hanging around for me.

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Am I disconnecting through connections?

I fear I am slowly losing touch with reality. I am slipping into an electronic hermit shell where instantaneous results have back-washed language, have decomposed meanings. Thinking is a luxury. Feeding on an endless sea of pop culture, advertising, and capitalism, who has time to think? Who has time to hold anothers hand when theres txting to be done? Who has time to kiss ones lips when theres lipstick to apply, piercings to attend to, images to uphold? Who has time for intimacy when theres sex, porn, video games? 

I sit here in the bottom of a warm shower for what seems like hours, but passes only in minutes, sweating, hoping, praying for a status update on my facebook account that never came. I spew rotfl and wtf and lol’s out in face to face conversations. My vote goes to the next top model rather than the next president. Michael Phelps dominates any other Olympian who has spent their entire life dedicated to this one race, this one instant, they do not matter, their time a dust bunny, to be sucked up in the vacuum of history. And what of me? I am no Olympian. I am no star. I am nobody important. What do i expect to receive for my life? Even Michael Phelps will be forgotten in a few weeks. 

What is real? Why does it matter? Were all dead anyway. Friends, family, enemies. All the same. All equal in the end. Relationships are formed slowly, but can be taken away instantly. Sometimes the pain of the breakup, the rush, is the only thing real to me. Even that is gone as quickly as it came. Who needs drugs when you have an I-phone? 

What the hell is happening to me? What the hell is going on in this world? Where can humans feel again?

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You don’t learn much from gluttony

Rich kids are the prime example of this. When times are fat, and life is good, one stagnates intilectually. Why would there be violence, fasting, and famine? In a round about way, to enhance the human race, in an obscure form of evolution devestation creates new life depth and perception. Grahm Green said it best “and even in destruction there is creation…” 

People justify evil in the afterlife through modern religion. What they fail to realize is that evil is nessicary to challenge good so that good may become better than it used to be. I dont believe in a global rapture so to speak, only a personal rapture for each individual soul as it leaves its flesh blood and bone for some higher contiusness.

Anyway, im getting off track. Gluttony produces nothing but lazyness. I have fallen pray to such things. I believe i have learned my peak form life on the street (at least within the luxuary of a car) and i am getting lazy. I need some motivation. I need the Berkley Library to clasp me in its beautiful stone hands, and keep me till I read all there is inside, and then kick me out to walk the streets of central California as a post modern hippie, absorbing all the knoladge there is in the vibrant streets filled with beggars, gutter punks, and a dying breed of the 60’s selling tattered with love books waiting like new born puppies behind glass windows wagging their tails waiting for someone new to love them as thhey once were loved by their mothers. 

I need to cast myself away on a ship, with a pile of books, with no internet access, so that i may be forced to read real pages, rather than my updated status list on facebook. 

I need Ani DeFranco, and my friend Ellen in the same room as me to witness starstruck between a pupil and a master, and realize both can learn form each other. 

I need to stop filling my life with senseless romance, and walk the line of self preservation. 

I need to finnish Abbie Hoffmans’ biography. I suppose ill go get started on that.

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How can you starve in today’s America?

It seems impossible, yet people are dying of starvation, dehydration, and sheer exhaustion. It boggles my mind. America as it stands today is by far no third world drought wrecked crop failed dictatorship. There is food and fresh water flourishing up from the deepest ghettos of the darkest corners of the most unsanitary neighborhoods in this country. And those places are still better off than half the world because for a mere *gasp* $4 a gallon, or an average of 20mpg, at such a price, thats roughly $1 every 5 miles for a personal vehicle, which is rapidly becoming the least best way to travel. However catch a rideshare and your cost is sliced in half. Take the bus, and its sliced as well. Ride a bike, walk, pogo stick, the possibilities are endless. 

How you get to your food water and air conditioned sources is not important, as they are everywhere. 

Food can be found all over the place. 

Water the same, 

and air conditioning / heat (depending) any public building, libraries, schools, banks, grocery stores, department stores, anywhere, the sky is the limit. 

So again, im not sure why people are starving, dehydrating, and being rushed to hospitals wasting time and energy when there is fruit to be picked all over the place which can cure them for free.

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