You, my first, my stolen, my beating, my lungs, my butterfly stomach, you took me, made me forced me to change, took my virginity (literally), and then we fed the deer at the beach (or tried to anyway) even though the signs told us not to. That was the best summer of my life.
We frolicked, we ran, we fireman carried each other on our backs, we made out, we scratched our names on the park bench while feeding the ducks, we super soaked each other, we took pictures, we made out again, then we ran back to your bedroom,
god i miss your bedroom, i miss you. Where has the time gone? Where have you gone? You stopped returning my phone calls, you stopped writing me letters, you dropped off the face of the earth, and im stuck here listening to Modest Mouse reminiscing…. and i hate it. You are always my first. Always the break in, the break up, the broken, i wish i could see you again, but im sure youde probably spit in my face, and ide deserve it. But god you could kiss. You were the best. Ive been back to your neck of the woods several times since that monumental summer, but could never seem to locate you, in a city of millions upon millions, the world is not small enough to find someone who doesnt want to be found.
I wrote this for you, but cant remember if i gave a copy to you or not, so here it is, in case you check in from time to time silently.
“i dont know how to start this or what to write, dont worry its nothing bad, i just thought if i started writing you something would develop so far its not working, im just filling up a page with random nonsense. its hard to tell you what i want to tell you. its hard to have to say goodnight. its hard not being there next to you smelling your morning breath, when you wake up next to me in the morning. who will make sure i brush my teeth? wash that hard to reach place on my back (picture inserted in notebook) its so hard not to be able to see you or hold your hand or watch you laugh or smell your burps, or carry you around on my back or chase you around on a bed or a store or kiss you or hug you or play with your hair or give you massages or lay with you and watch movies while making out, whenever i get the urge to do so (which is quite often i might add…)
its so hard to be apart from you, but it will have to be like this for a little while yet. I hope we will survive this distance and come out on top. even though the odds are against us. i hope it will only make us stronger. but i also know life takes many turns and just as fast as we met and fell in love things can fall apart.
so im taking this one day one step at a time, and im loving you more and more each day, and even though i get jealous sometimes its a good jealous it makes me stop and think and realize i dont own you, and you dont owe anything to me, you are still very much free to do as you wish and i have to respect that about you and accept the fact that we may not always be together.
im in no way wishing we would end our relationship, i love you very much, and do not wish to make that mistake again. all im saying is that i have to bite the bullet sometimes and mind your freedom, and understand that you love me, and youre not trying to hurt me, and that i shouldnt try to control you, and i need to let you have your space…..”
and just as it ended there, we were hanging by our last threads, only to break them shortly thereafter, and never speak again.
The strange thing is, the same band modest mouse, was relevant in my future, but on a down note, as the thing i feared you were doing to me, actually happened. Maybe i cursed myself. either way, i lost you, and everyone else, and i have nobody to blame but myself, and modest mouse.