so I havent written in a while…
dont let that fool you, I havent stoped learning, i just havent had a stable internet connection.
So here i sit, crosslegged on a bed ive occupied for nearly 3 months total, and it doesnt feel like home. Nothing really does these days. With the exception of my car, and summer camp (which unfortunately is seasonal and still 6 months away). But none the less, i have been learning, and growing, and feel the need to write about it.
So what if i cant use $10 words in my writing, and it flows more like a glacier than a river in dialouge. I cant spell, and honestly dont really care. Language was man made, so why cant man make language change to suit himself the way he sees fit? The point of language after all is to get the reader to understand what the writer is trying to convey. Spellinng errors, gramatical errors, punctuation issues, who cares. As long as you still comprehend what I am saying nothing else matters. Anyway im getting off point.
Im about to make a pretty big long term commitment in the form of a lease, with a person I only know vaguely, for the next 9 months of my life. Its not a fetus, (but we have had our share of that scare) but its a big financial commitment. I think things will work out just fine, but theres always that negative looming devil on my left shoulder you know.
Again, this is besides the point.
Ive been living in New Orleans for the past month, and have tried my best to adapt here. Scavenging has proven plentyful, and I am finding roughly $700 worth of groceries a week, in several different places, so i know i will never starve, and yet, I have to work all the time, (currently am employed 4 different places) to afford the lifestyle I have found myself in. I.E. girlfriend, apartment, work, driving, etc.
The work I find myself in is barbacking. Me. A non-drinker, non-smoker, non-anything exciting really, works at three different bars. Way to imerse myself into a culture I dispis. Oh the irony. So have I changed my viewpoint on those things I hate? Drinking, partying, sleeping around, drugs. Ha! Hardly. Actually i find myself ignoring more of it now than ever. I read at work when i can, and I trudge along working the muscles in my body non-stop when things get busy. the only thing I suppose I learned is that I still think those vices are an escape from problems such as low self esteem, and self worth, which enivitably lead to more problems such as addictions to substances which ruin the body well before its time. Not to mention the shame, and regret from the times the user lost control and did things they wouldnt morally have done sober.
My girlfriend here in New Orleans has taught me way more than I could have ever learned anywhere else I believe. She has taught me patience, as she is one of the most impulsive, emotional, and OCD people I have ever met. She has taught me the importance of responsibility for your actions, in that we thought we were pregnant several times, and I had to grow up real quick expecting a child on the way. Thankfully they were only scares, but the reality is still with me. She has taught me unconditional forgiveness, in that things came to light about no couple should have to deal with, but we did, and I forgave every time, and will continue to in the future. I believe no one is bad. they make bad choices, but they are not pure evil. My girlfriend is the most forgiving person I have ever met, and I think it has just rubbed off on me. Did her bad choices hurt? Hell yes they did, but it was not the end of the world. I too have made terrible choices in my life which effected people I loved far beyond I could ever imagine. I am a firm believer in karma, and I feel this was my karma biting me in the ass. Everyone deserves to have their heart broken, i suppose I never really did. And you know what? I recovered. We all recover. or we die. And become reincarnated. And fall in love again.
When i first moved to New Orleans, all I saw was Burbon St, and the bars and the whore houses, and the smut, and the trash, and the vomit, and the piss, and the seduction of the city that creates an atmosphere that breeds these sinful indulgences in everyday people who can not fight the system. The seduction seduced me even. I was tempted at first to start smoking, start doing drugs, etc. But with the help of my girlfriend, and my friends with whom i could vent, I fought my impulses, and today I feel fine. I can fight the system, and honestly it doesnt really tempt me anymore. Ive learned to deal with things i used to be afraid to mention.
By no means am i done learning, some things still make me want to vomit. The mention of a significant other talking about their drug experiances, rape in general, and a significant other wanting to ad anyone else into our sex life. well honestly thats all i can think of at the moment. so i guess ill leave it at that. Im not sure how i will ever feel comfortable with those things, but anything is possible.